The Oscars: Our Guide To Faking It

So you didn't watch the Academy Awards last night. Well, that's okay; with the help of this handy little guide, you can pretend that you did.

The Oscars lie more squarely within the jurisdiction of our L.A. and New York siblings (whose coverage is available here and here). But since the awards were fairly political this year — which shouldn't be surprising, with Jon Stewart as host — we'll put in our two cents.

If the Oscars come up as a topic at the water cooler or around the lunch table today, here's just enough material for you to participate intelligently in the conversation:

• Your favorite political joke of the night (from host Jon Stewart): “I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.”

• Your favorite — or least favorite, depending on your point of view — acceptance speech: George Clooney (a.k.a. Hamas leader Khaled Meshal). After noting how Hollywood was ahead of its time on a number of political issues, from civil rights to AIDS, Clooney proclaimed himself “proud to be out of touch.”

• Your theory as to why “Crash” prevailed over “Brokeback Mountain” for best picture (courtesy of Adam Cohen of the Times, as well as a screenwriter friend of ours): “Oh, well, the 'Crash' win wasn't that surprising to me. The Academy demographic skews older, and Hollywood is always a few decades behind when it comes to picking message movies. So of course they'd go with the 'racism is bad' movie over the 'yay gay people' movie.”

Finally, for all you ladies out there, you can't pretend to have watched the Oscars without having a random fashion quip to offer. So here's one for starters: “Look, I know Jennifer Garner just gave birth, so I'm willing to cut her some slack. But that Michael Kors gown was truly unfortunate, giving her no support in the bust. Her breasts looked like they were in different area codes!”

So there you have it — just enough random knowledge to help you make it through a day of Oscar conversations. We're all about service journalism here at Wonkette!

Complete List of Oscar Winners [AP]
And This Year's Oscar Goes to… a Movie That Takes a Stand [NYT]
Earlier: The Oscars: Politics for Beautiful People

READ MORE: Jennifer Garner, academy awards, awards, brokeback mountain, crash, fashion, george clooney, hollywood, jon stewart, michael kors, movies, oscars, style

Gossip Roundup: Who Will Play Sammy?

• Reliable Source: Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex.) charged with DUI. [WP]
• Under the Dome: Liberal bloggers fault Lieberman for honoring William F. Buckley Jr.… Frist was too busy to meet with 11-time NBA all-star Julius Erving. [The Hill]
• Inside Politics: Dean, Mehlman in spat about who has “nerve.” [WT]
• Cindy Adams: Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Garner, Kirsten Dunst interested in film version of Kristin Gore’s novel, “Sammy’s Hill”… Hillary fills a Beverly Hills theater with supporters. [NYP]

READ MORE: Jennifer Garner, Personalities, bill frist, drew barrymore, hillary clinton, howard dean, joe lieberman, julius erving, ken mehlman, kevin brady, kirsten dunst, kristin gore, william buckley jr

Gossip Roundup: Dick Morris, Restless

• Names & Faces: Jordan’s King Abdullah II frequents the Georgetown Safeway… Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner skip out on Capitol Hill gala. [WP]
• Inside the Beltway: Kerry was eating at Cafe Milano when Bush was addressing the nation. [WT]
• Under the Dome: Hillary, Begala, Obama, Dodd, Safire among those set to roast Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Ill.) tonight… Rep. Collin Peterson (D-Minn.), Rep. Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich.), Rep. Dave Weldon (R-Fla.), Rep. Jon Porter (R-Nev.), and Rep. Kenny Hulshof (R-Mo.) play Farm Aid… Rep. John Kline’s (R-Minn.) son leaves to serve in Iraq. [The Hill]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Dick Morris yells at fellow flyers: “Goddamn it! Shut up! I’m trying to sleep!” [NYDN]
• Rush & Molloy: Patricia Arquette: “All the poor, all the working poor who live from paycheck to paycheck… I know Trent Lott’s gonna get a new house. But a lot of people aren’t.” [NYDN]

READ MORE: Barack Obama, Ben Affleck, Collin Peterson, Dave Weldon, Jennifer Garner, John Kline, Jon Porter, Kenny Hulshof, Personalities, Thaddeus McCotter, george w. bush, hillary clinton, john kerry, jon kline, katrina, king Abdullah II, patricia arquette, paul begala, rahm emanuel, trent lott