Ask a Hill Staffer: Vocabulary Lessons and Intern Abuse

All we can say is that our Anonymous Hill Staffer needs to get laid. There is notable lack of actual sex and a surfeit of the simulated variety this week, as well as a couple lessons in increasing your word power (among other things).

AHS also let us know that he’d been drinking less than usual this week, because, apparently, a lot of work has to get done in Congress before everyone skips town on Friday. It’s Jesus’ fault, natch. “It’s his birthday or his anniversary coming up next week, so everyone’s going home to be act like they’re good Jesus-lovers.” On that note, this week’s installment of Ask A Hill Staffer is after the jump.

What are your thoughts on Andy Card stepping down as Bush’s Chief of Staff?

Let’s get to the bottom of this Andy Card thing, shall we? I have a theory that “Mr. Card” was really Bush’s coke dealer, and he used to get the President some premium Bolivian marching powder. As we know, providing quality controlled substances for the President is a very important function of the CoS, and Andy really had a good thing going. The thing is, Andy accidentally gave him a bag of Anthrax that was being tested by the FBI, mistakenly believing that it was an eight ball confiscated by the DEA. Unfortunately for Andy it was just laying around unlabeled! Poor Andy. This is the fault of Dick Cheney, who previously had volunteered to keep things straight using a special sharpie. Silly Dick! Responsibilities are now being re-delegated to Dr. Condi Rice. Good for Condi! On the bright side, the health staff of the White House believes that snorting a line of Anthrax may actually have improved Bush’s cognitive capacity.

What is the most ridiculous task your boss has asked you to do/ What is the craziest constituent phone call you have received?

In an answer that kind of fits both questions, we once had a constituent call in who was mad about getting porn spam emails, and wanted my boss to put an end to it. I mean, who doesn’t like porn? Nobody doesn’t like porn. What a crazy asshole. Well, we had to answer him anyway because our boss answers everybody. So we set our intern out looking up porn on the internet, trying to find out where this guy’s porn was coming from. We didn’t really expect her to look into it, but she did. So, 100’s of teen sensation, penis enlargement, and fetish emails later, not to mention a severe infestation of spyware, we were still stumped. But we did get our intern to look up porn for about an hour, so it was well worth it. In the end, I think we told the guy that Congress passed a bill or something.

There are ‘goo-goo’ types on both sides of the aisle, right?

Man, what the HELL are you talking about? Don’t make me feel retarded by using obscure phrases that I’m not familiar with. I know I went to a public school, but that’s just not cool. I’ll take a stab at it though and say “goo-goo type” means “crazy as balls” or maybe “senile.” Well, yeah, in that case both sides have them. Lets look at the Carolinas for a few examples. First, you have Jesse Helms from North Cacalaca, who we now know has dementia, which I feel like I’ll be going to hell for pointing out…but come on. He was a U.S. Senator up until a few years ago, zipping around the Capitol in an electric rascal. Didn’t anybody say “hey Senator, you’re as crazy as Ronnie Reagan, why not step down?” Well, maybe they did, but he was too crazy to listen. Not to be outdone, Fritz Hollings from South Carolina was pretty nuts before he retired. My favorite memory of him is on the floor of the Senate as he hopped around, waving his hands yelling things like “hibbidy dibbidy! Baloney!” Very Mr. Smith-esque, if Mr. Smith was an 85-year old with memory trouble and incontinence. I could probably pick an example from every state, but I won’t. I’ll leave that up to you, Mr. Fancy Words Guy.

This is not, I imagine, your area of expertise, but you might know anyway: I’m considering interning on the Hill, but have a fairly important question to get answered first. Namely, is the Hill a good place to pick up chicks, if one is a chick? My experiences interning at my state capitol have spoiled me, (you would be amazed how many Republican interns are interested in discrete Sapphic lovefests) and I’m curious whether the pickings are as good on a national level.

Since I had no idea what “goo-goo type” meant, I decided to actually look into the word Sapphic. So, in researching for this question the other day at work (and yes I do my own research, as Wonkette won’t lend me the intern and I think I’d get fired for using the office interns), I googled the word “Sapphic.” Does anybody know what comes up when you google the word Sapphic? I bet you’re trying it right now. Well, for starters, I got “Lesbian-XXX,” “Erotica,” “Erotic Festival Warning Page,” and “amazing quality teen lesbian videos and photos sets.” And yes, I was doing this research at work, so it was a little awkward when my Chief of Staff happened to walk by. Point being, now that I know what you’re getting at…this is a fairly important question. For the love of God, I hope there are Sapphic lovefests going on all over the Hill for both our sakes. If you can’t find any, I’d certainly encourage you to start some. Be sure to invite me so I can report back to the readers here.

Is security around the Hill adequate? If I had a machete would it get through the crack security team?

I used to bring a Swiss Army knife in all the time, so as long as your machete can fold up into your pocket I think you’ll be fine. Also, I think if you painted your machete like a blackberry, you should be OK if you send it through the x-ray machine. That might fool them. Or distract them with some porn as you walk through—flash a centerfold right as your machete passes through and you’ll cruise on by. Works every time! And in related news, I think I’ve been over this before, but something to watch out for is the drug smuggling. Those officers sometimes pay attention to the x-ray machines now, so if you must bring drugs into the Capitol complex—as you go through security, please jock them like you’re going to a Phish concert in high school. It’s for your own good. Regardless of what they look like, they are real cops and they will throw a good olde-fashioned hippy beat down party if they catch you.

You got questions? We got snide responses.

READ MORE: Republicans, andrew card, ask a hill staffer, capitol police, cocaine, congress, drugs, fritz hollings, george w. bush, interns, jesse helms, lesbians, porn, pornography, security, sex, vocabulary, weapons

Gossip Roundup: ‘Anti-Bush Behavior’

• Reliable Source: Scooter Libby met with lawyers at a cafe near Union Station, openly discussed the leak case, drank diet Dr Pepper, and purchased cookies… Bushes have lunch with Rep. John Dingell to celebrate his 50 years in Congress. [WP]
• Inside the Beltway: Bono changed Sen. Jesse Helms’ views on AIDS… Terry McAuliffe’s book is titled “Bring it On!” [WT]
• Page Six: Maureen Dowd: “If there had been no Monica Lewinsky, there would have been no Sen. [Hillary] Clinton. She had to run as a victim because she was seen as so controlling”… Bill McCuddy of Fox News: “One of our makeup artists got Kofi Annan ready for a TV appearance at the U.N. the other day. Kind of embarrassing, when she told him the makeup was oil-based, out of habit he gave her food.”… Karl Rove, dining at 21 with Ken Mehlman, devours beef tenderloin… Hillary Clinton’s deputy state director, Tyson Pratcher, will run for Harold Ford’s congressional seat [NYP, NYP]
• Cindy Adams: Jeanine Pirro expected to run for attorney general instead of the senate. [NYP]
• The Scoop: Viggo Mortensen: “I’m not anti-Bush, I’m anti-Bush behavior. In other words, I’m against cheating, greed, cruelty, racism, imperialism, religious fundamentalism, treason, and the seemingly limitless capacity for hypocrisy shown by Bush and his administration.” [MSNBC]

READ MORE: Personalities, bill mccuddy, bono, george w. bush, harold ford, hillary clinton, jeanine pirro, jesse helms, john dingell, karl rove, ken mehlman, maureen dowd, monica lewinsky, scooter libby, terry mcauliffe, tyson pratcher, viggo mortensen

Gossip Roundup: ‘A Mouth Like Cheney’

• Names & Faces: Is Lloyd Grove through at the New York Daily News? [WP]
• Under the Dome: Hillary roasts Rahm Emanuel: “Republicans may have the Hammer, but we have the Nutcracker! He has calves like Baryshnikov and a mouth like Cheney.”… Elizabeth Dole, Richard Burr, Bob Novak, Jerry Falwell, Orrin Hatch attend tribute to Jesse Helms. [The Hill]
• Inside the Beltway: Congressional staffers enjoy hemp feast. [WT]
• Cindy Adams: Donna Brazile: “I’m an African-American whose life has been a victory. But then came Katrina… Right now we need a president who will help. He’s helping. I’m so grateful. Poverty and misery is humbling. I’m humbled to the core that this administration is helping the poorest of the poor… I applaud this president for stepping up.” [NYP]
• Rush & Molloy: Bette Midler booed at Madison Square Garden Katrina fundraiser for joking, “George Bush likes my music. He came to see me in the ’70s. A coke dealer of mine got him some tickets.” [NYDN]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: 9/11 activist mothers call for tough investigation into Katrina response. Kristen Breitweiser: “This time, there’s got to be accountability. If you’re an elected official, you should be inviting accountability for yourself.” [NYDN]

READ MORE: Personalities, bette midler, bob novak, dick cheney, donna brazile, elizabeth dole, george w. bush, hemp, hillary clinton, jerry falwell, jesse helms, katrina, kristen breitweiser, lloyd grove, orrin hatch, rahm emanuel, richard burr

Daily Briefing: When ‘Lunch is Just a Lunch’

• 53% disapprove of Bush in WP-ABC poll. Two-thirds complain about gas prices and a majority think the administration can reduce them, painting “a portrait of national frustration with the direction and leadership of the country, which, if not reversed in coming months, is likely to color the environment for next year’s midterm elections, putting incumbents in both parties on the defensive.” 52% think Bush should meet with Sheehan; Democrats and independents are disappointed by their leaders. [WP]
• Reagan library finds thousands of Roberts-related documents; officials rush to sort them out before next week’s confirmation hearings. [NYT, LAT]
• Bush decides to tap oil reserves; returns to Washington to orchestrate response to Hurricane Katrina. [WP, WP]
• Oil prices likely to pass $3 a gallon this weekend. [WP]
• Incomes have not grown in five years and the poverty rate has increased to 12.7%, the Census Bureau reports. [NYT]
• Bush compares Iraq war to WWII: “They will fail, because the terrorists of our century are making the same mistake that the followers of totalitarian ideology made in the last century. They believe that democracies are inherently weak and corrupt and can be brought to their knees.” [WP]
• Administration has drafted rules that weaken environmental oversight for power plants, allowing for the release of more pollution. [WP]

• Religious gap widens: 29% in Pew survey say Democrats are “generally friendly” toward religion, down from 42% in 2003; 64% open to idea of teaching intelligent design. [NYT, WP]
• White House advisors are debating whether to cap major tax deductions and exclusions. [WSJ]
• GOP strategists say California can be won —as early as ‘08— by the right presidential candidate. [LAT]
• 71 liberal advocacy groups join to denounce Roberts. [WP]
• China’s President Hu is irked that his meeting with Bush will not be an official state affair; White House flack says “the lunch is just a lunch.” [WSJ]
• Richard Clarke disturbed by rising number of terrorist attacks related to Iraq. [WP]
• Administration launches justthinktwice.com to curb meth use. [WP]
• Jesse Helms says he’s “not the least bit racist.” [NYT]
• Club for Growth and the Free Enterprise Fund squabbling and imploding. [WP]

READ MORE: White House, china, cindy sheehan, environmental regulations, george w. bush, hurricane katrina, iraq, jesse helms, john g. roberts, meth, oil, polls, poverty, president hu, richard clarke, war on terrorism

Daily Briefing: Keep On Working

• White House is willing to open the Strategic Petroleum Reserve if needed in aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. [WSJ, WP]
• Bush, in attempt to change topic from Iraq, again calls for overhaul of Social Security and says “there is more we can do” about border security. Bush on Social Security: “I’m going to keep working this issue.”[NYT, WP, USAT]
• Roberts argued for a permanent ban of racial quotas in the workplace and against school busing designed to integrate students. [WP]
• Roberts advised the Reagan administration not to expand policing powers to government agencies such as the Interior and Agriculture Departments; called “a classic conservative articulation of the individual’s right to be protected from state power.” [NYT]
• Leahy gives heads-up to Roberts: expect questions about the “Bybee memo” that defines the legality of torture. [NYT, LAT]
• White House official says Republicans have lost their advantage on education; No Child Left Behind is increasingly unpopular among both parties. [WSJ, LAT]

• Abramoff pleads not guilty to conspiracy and wire fraud charges. [WP]
• Global weapons sales reach five-year high, with the United States in the lead. [NYT]
• Top Air Force general says Iraq will need their support for the long-haul. [NYT]
• Gonzales prefers House version of revised Patriot Act. [WP]
• Jesse Helms equates abortion to the Holocaust and 9/11 in his new book. [WP]

READ MORE: Democrats, Republicans, White House, air force, alberto gonzales, borders, congress, george w. bush, hurricane katrina, iraq, jack abramoff, jesse helms, john g. roberts, no child left behind, oil, social security