Wonkette’s Week in Review: What Money Does Buy

• Short week, short review. First thing you need to know is: on Friday, Wal-Mart tried to answer the questions, “Why you acting shady? Why you ain’t callin’ me baby?”, by having Beyonce and Taylor Hicks perform at their shareholder meeting. CostCo admits they were served.

• In its infinite wisdom, DHS slashed the terror prevention budgets for DC and NYC, redirecting the money towards protection of the nation’s critical booze-producing infrastructure.

• When one slow news day turns into two, you start a slow news streak, and once you’re there, you have to start either making shit up or codifying the obvious.

• 700 million dollar man Hank Paulson was nominated for Treasury Secretary. Everyone is still waiting for the big “Sike!” regarding his love of nature and all God’s creatures.

• After they finished the “rock paper scissors” tournament, the Maryland jury in the “Sniper” case figured enough time had passed to make it look real, and convicted John Allen Muhammad.

• No, Al Gore is not running for President — he’s running for Earth.

• A week without Katherine Harris is like a week without air. Luckily, she’ll never be too far away, regardless of how much it costs.

READ MORE: al gore, american idol, beyonce, conspiracy theories, dhs, global warming, hank paulson, homeland security, john allen muhammad, katherine harris, rayburn, rumors, slow news day, studies that tell us stuff we already know, taylor hicks, treasury department, trials, unfettered capitalism, wal-mart, week in review

Breaking: Most Anti-Climactic Verdict Ever Reached

This just in: a Maryland jury has convicted John Allen Muhammad of the six 2002 sniper killings that took place in Maryland.

This verdict isn’t exactly surprising, considering the mountain of evidence arrayed against Muhammad — including testimony from his protege and partner, Lee Boyd Malvo. And it also won’t have much practical consequence, since Muhammad has already been sentenced to death for the Virginia part of this killing spree.

Here’s objective proof of the verdict’s anti-climactic nature:

Yeah, that’s right — no siren. And you know it ain’t news if it doesn’t get the siren.

Maryland jury convicts sniper [CNN]
Sniper John Allen Muhammad Found Guilty [Drudge Report]

READ MORE: breaking, crime, drudge, drudge report, john allen muhammad, law, trials, violence

The Givhanification of the Post

When you bestow a Pulitzer Prize upon Robin Givhan, you only encourage stuff like this:

John Allen Muhammad strides into the Montgomery County courtroom looking every bit the lawyer. Gone is the orange jumpsuit he wore in Virginia when he was sentenced to death. Gone, too, is the hair that towered over him as he prepared for trial in Maryland.

He now wears suits and ties. He carries with him a stack of legal papers, shuffling them purposefully at the defense table. He speaks the language of law, begging the “court’s indulgence” and asking that a “continuous objection” be noted for the record.

Yes, that’s right. This is an article about the successful “makeover” of John Allen Muhammad, now on trial in Maryland — and already convicted in Virginia — for the 2002 sniper attacks.

Oooh boy.

Muhammad’s Metamorphosis Impresses Some Trial Observers [WP]

Earlier: We’re On Next Year’s Shortlist for Sure

READ MORE: crime, eric rich, john allen muhammad, law, robin givhan, trials, violence, washington post