Texas came this close to ridding themselves of Tom DeLay forever, and now, thanks to some activist GOP-appointed judge, they’ll be stuck with him again. Not only will DeLay’s name remain on the ballot in the 22nd District, but Tom is strongly considering running for reelection again.

Texas, why do you hate the rest of us so very much? You do know that the crazy **** DeLay does House of Representatives affects people outside of Texas, right? Can’t you guys make him Governor or something? Because it seems like you’re letting anyone on to that ballot.

The state elections chief on Monday rejected gubernatorial candidate Carole Keeton Strayhorn’s request to be called “Grandma” on the November ballot, but he decided her fellow independent candidate Kinky Friedman could use his nickname as long as it was accompanied by his given name — Richard.

So… what you’re saying is… we could get DeLay off the ballot… if he changes his name to “Grandma”?

‘Kinky’ but not ‘Grandma’ to be on the Texas ballot [CNN]
Texas Seat in Doubt [Roll Call]

At long last, after much fanfare and hype, here it is: Wonkette’s exclusive interview with Tom Malin, the gay escort turned Texas state legislature candidate!

We apologize for the delay in bringing this to you. We meant to publish it yesterday, when it took place. But as you can see, we were otherwise occupied into the afternoon and evening on Thursday — covering the breaking news of Jessica Simpson’s visit to the Capitol, among other things. (Rumor has it that she was at the Point last night; can anyone confirm?)

Here are a few highlights from the interview — Tom Malin’s views on selected subjects:

• Rep. Katherine Harris: “Oh my GOSH. Did you see her TITS? She is a total BABE!”
• Republicans: “Republicans would have gays and lesbians in concentration camps if they could. I think they would close down public education. I think women and minorities would be so marginalized.”
• Condoleeza Rice: “She is balanced and fair. I believe she is compassionate. I wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley though. She is tough!”
• Jeff Gannon: “Everyone has seen my naked ass. Would love to see his.”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg; there’s much, much more, after the jump. Not to be missed: professional make-up tips from Malin, a former Mary Kay Cosmetics salesman, to Hillary!

At the outset, a few caveats and disclaimers. First, as always, IM screennames are pseudonyms. Second, this transcript has been edited to improve readability — mainly to avoid the IM problem of overlapping, Altman-esque dialogue, but also to improve flow. Third, a few sections of have been moved around; but no text has been altered (except as indicated).

Wonkette: We here at Wonkette were sorry to learn of your loss in the Democratic primary. Do you have any plans of running for office in the future?
Tom Malin: I havent decided. I am working on several fundraisers for our AIDS Resource Center and DIFFA here in Dallas. I have a film debuting at the TRIBECA Film Festival and will start raising funds for another film to begin filming in October.
Wonkette: Oh wow, very exciting — congratulations! What type of film is it? (From the fact that it’s in the Tribeca FF, we assume it’s not a naughty movie.)
Tom Malin: No. I am not in it! It’s a comedy. Was filmed here in Texas a year ago. It’s called “Fat Girls.” How each of us deals with the “Inner Fat Girl” in each of us. That one character flaw that shapes and molds us. Its HYSTERICAL.
[A postscript from Malin: “I should point out that the movie ‘Fat Girls’ was really my partner’s endeavor. He put up the money and I just emotionally supported him. We are working together on the next few films.”]
Tom Malin: Never did any naughty films here.

One of us used to take depositions, so that last sentence didn’t slip by unnoticed.

Wonkette: Don’t mean to be Clintonian, but what is the meaning of “here” in that last sentence of yours? Did you do naughty films overseas? Or outside of Texas?
Tom Malin: Here as in me. I was refering to me. It’s slang I think. I have never been in a naughty film.
Wonkette: Fair enough. While we’re on the subject of naughty entertainments, would you rather watch a sitcom about Jessica Cutler, or Jack Abramoff?
Tom Malin: Jack used to be cute.
Wonkette: Ah, but corruption has aged him! Katherine Harris, on the other hand, still looks great.
Tom Malin: Oh my GOSH. Did you see her TITS? she is a total BABE
Wonkette: They’re quite impressive!!!
Tom Malin: Very Jane Fonda!
Wonkette: Totally!!!

Wonkette: Okay, now you’re confusing us. If you don’t mind our asking, what is your orientation?
Tom Malin: I am gay. Can’t a man enjoy a womans body though?
Wonkette: True, true. In fact, gay men arguably can appreciate a woman’s body even more than straight men — may explain why so many are good designers.
Tom Malin: I used to date men and women in college, I just knew thought that it wouldnt be fair to marry a woman and then break her heart later because I like men.

So true, so true. Cf. Brokeback Marriages.

Wonkette: When you were a Mary Kay salesman, what percentage of your clients were women? [On his Mary Kay web page, Malin offered products for both men and women.]
Tom Malin: 90% of my clients were women. Women would prefer to buy cosmetics from a goodlooking man than a woman. Most cosmetic companies are owned or run by men.
Wonkette: Very interesting! Why do you think that is?
Tom Malin: Women are suspicious of women. They don’t like to be taken advantage of. On the other hand all a goodlooking man has to say is, “Dear that color looks fabulous!” They will buy 10 of them
Wonkette: How do you feel today about Mary Kay products? Fabulous make-up, or a pyramid scheme, as some critics have alleged? [The quality of Mary Kay cosmetics was the subject of vigorous debate in these pages.]
Tom Malin: I love their products. I also believe whole heartedly in the concept of putting your priorities in order in life; Faith, Family and Career and operating by the Golden Rule. It is what is missing from American Business today and from Government.
Wonkette: Any other secrets to selling make-up? Similarities between make-up sales and politics?
Tom Malin: Mary Kay taught us to pretend that each and everyone you meet has an invisible sign around their neck that says, “Make me feel special.” It works. That is why Clinton was so masterful.

Wonkette: So true. What think you of Hillary?
Tom Malin: Love her. She needs to loosen up with her speaking. She also needs to learn to read her audience better. I would vote for her in a second. She has the experience and the know how. She is savvy and could get things done. I think America is ready for a woman as President. People say she is too polarizing. I disagree. White men are scared that a woman with too much power will usurp them. It screws with their masculinity. That is why Southern Baptist marginalize woman.
Wonkette: What is your professional opinion of her make-up, personal style, fashion choices, etc.? Does she overdo it with the pantsuits? Or would you wear pants suits too if you had her legs?
Tom Malin: She needs to start wearing skirt suits. Women in pant suits lack authority. Her hair is great. I would put some concealer on her or an eye product that would deal with puffiness.
Wonkette: That’s brilliant! I hope that some staffers of hers will read this interview.
Tom Malin: They will!

While we’re on the subject of Hillary…

Wonkette: What about a gay president — is America ready for that?
Tom Malin: I don’t think America is ready for a Gay president. There are no strong Gay or Lesbian Leaders on the forefront. The victim card is played too much. Gays and Lesbians “eat their young” so to speak.

Wonkette: You mentioned [in our last IM conversation] that you’re working on a book. What type of book is it? Is it a memoir of sorts? Are you like the Democratic Jeff Gannon?
Tom Malin: Is Jeff writing a book?
Wonkette: That’s what the word on the street is.
Tom Malin: I am writing an autobiography. It probably will be good.
Wonkette: We have no doubt!
Tom Malin: Everyone has a story to tell.
Wonkette: We trust you won’t engage in any Frey-guy type embellishment though!
Tom Malin: No. I always tell the truth.

Tom Malin: I would have loved to have seen pictures of him. I could find none.
Wonkette: Of Jeff?
Tom Malin: Yes, of Jeff.
Wonkette: There are oodles on the internet! But often his face is obscured.
Tom Malin: Everyone has seen my naked ass. Would love to see his.
Wonkette: Would you ever date him, or do you view your politics as incompatible? You could be like the Mary Matalin and James Carville of former gay escorts!!!!
Tom Malin: oh how funny. I dont think he is that cute.

Wonkette: Are you currently in a relationship?
Tom Malin: I am. 3 years. We have a magical life together. For so many years I kept waiting for the Knight in Shining Armor to arrive on the white horse and the black Honda kept pulling up. Finally this man arrived and my life changed completely.
Wonkette: Oh, congratulations! What does your boyfriend/partner/husband do? Is he in politics too?
Tom Malin: He is not in politics. He is very private.

Oh yes, politics — the putative subject of this blog! Let’s get back to that, shall we?

Wonkette: On the subject of your recent loss, you did pretty well (45 percent), all things considered, no?
Tom Malin: Can you believe it?!
Wonkette: Without the controversy, you definitely would have prevailed, dontcha think? I mean, a former gay escort who can get almost half the vote — you would have won in a landslide without that baggage!
Tom Malin: I was so pleased. I quit campaigning after the story broke. I could have won had I kept going. I knew the right thing to do was to stay in the race because of integrity, principle and virtue. However, I also knew that my family could not have handled a race against a well funded friend of W.

And now, some choice words from Tom Malin about his erstwhile opponent in the District 108 Democratic primary, Jack Borden:

Tom Malin: Of course I would have won without the baggage. The opponent is a joke. He has run probably a dozen times and lost.
Tom Malin: [Borden] is violation of Texas State Ethics Laws now because of not filing reports.
Wonkette: So I assume he’ll get trounced in the general election?
Tom Malin: Jack Borden will probably be thrown off the ballot before the election even begins.
Wonkette: Could you then get back into the race?
Tom Malin: No I couldn’t. The ballot would be unopposed.
Wonkette: Oh, that’s too bad. But it’s a pretty Republican district, isn’t it?
Tom Malin: it’s 50/50 dem/rep here.

Wonkette: [Was] it tough to run as a gay man — and a former gay escort — in such a conservative state?
Tom Malin: [P]eople don’t care about the escort thing. It was something I did years ago. I have found out that the only ones who care are because they can’t reconsile their own sin. I am at peace and a free man.
Wonkette: But those people were probably enough to cost you the primary, no? Have you thought about running for office elsewhere?
Tom Malin: Running for office where? In another State? My grandmother who raised me is here in Dallas. I spend time with her every day. I am here for a while.
Tom Malin: I dont think that the primary was lost because of the escorting. I think people in Texas stayed away from the election so they could sign the petitions of Kinky Friedman and Carol Strayhorn. Independent Candidates for Governor.

Tom Malin: I am supporting Kinky Friedman for Governor here in Texas. I think he will win. [Why are we not surprised that Malin supports a man named “Kinky”?]
Wonkette: What do you find most appealing about him?
Tom Malin: He says what is on his mind. He is honest. What you see is what you get. I really think he could bring people together and get things done.

Wonkette: You speak on your website about your faith. What is your religious affiliation? How do you reconcile that with your being gay?
Tom Malin: I am Methodist. I go to the same church that George Bush belongs to. I believe that God creates all of us in his image. I am perfect the way I am. Who am I to question God’s handywork?

Wonkette: In terms of your current endeavors, what do you spend the bulk of your time doing? You have your movie, your book; you’re also still involved in energy, no?
Tom Malin: I am still a Managing Director with Ignite Energy. I have customers, I recruit.
Wonkette: And you write, campaign, spend time with your grandmother, etc. Where do you find the time to do everything? Any tips for those of us who feel like ther earen’t enough hours in the day?
Tom Malin: I spend a couple of hours with my grandmother a day. a couple of hours on the book, a couple of hours at the gym (so my ass can look as good as those pictures!!) I write a six most important things to do each day. I prioritize.

Wonkette: Did you gain or loss weight during the campaign? Any thoughts on whether politics is good or bad for one’s health or physique?
Tom Malin: Okay, I gained 20 pounds over the past six months. I totally did not go to the gym. I work out with a trainer 3 times a week and do an hour of cardio a day. I think that is how George W. stays in such good shape. Or maybe John Edwards!
Wonkette: And Condi — man, she is FIT!
Tom Malin: She is a babe too! I hope she runs.
Wonkette: Yeah, she says she does cardio each day — there’s video footage to prove it!

(We then realized he was talking about Condi running for president — duh!)

Tom Malin [I]t will be hard for her to overcome the baggage of the Bush Presidency.
Wonkette: True. But Condi v. Hillary would be great fun!
Tom Malin: She is by far one of the most qualified people in the country to handle the job.
Wonkette: Interesting — in a Condi v. Hillary race, whom would you support?
Tom Malin: Condi. She is balanced and fair. I believe she is compassionate. I wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley though. She is tough.
Wonkette: So true! Don’t mess with her!
Tom Malin: That could be our National Motto: “Don’t Mess with Condi!”

Wonkette: Oh, one random question about Jack Borden. You still have some very supportive things about him up on your website. Are you going to be taking them down?
Tom Malin: Read between the lines on that one. I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say, “he represents all that the Democratic Party of Dallas has to offer.”
Wonkette: Ha ha! Hilarious…
Tom Malin: I mean that with love.. I really do!
Wonkette: but true…
Tom Malin: The truth will set you free. Wont it?
Wonkette: Truer words were never spoken!
Tom Malin: The Stonewall Democrats were saying that I was going to bring the party down. I am one man and cannot and will not take responsibiltiy for anyones success or failure in life.
Tom Malin: They have alot of work to do here in Dallas. I think the way they handled this situation proves that. Most of the people that came to my side in this trying time for my family were Republicans. The understand Redemption and Grace.
Wonkette: Interesting… Have you thought about changing your party affiliation?
Tom Malin: I have. I think that Republicans would have gays and lesbians in concentration camps if they could. I think they would close down public education. I think women and minorities would be so marginalized. I am scared that our country would turn into a theocracy no better than one of the middle eastern countries we are fighting. We need checks and balances. I may not agree with the Democrats on everything. I think they are a lesser of two evils at this time.
Wonkette: Fair enough; you’re probably not the only one who feels that way.
Tom Malin: I think that Jimmy Carter’s newest book should be required reading in Junior High School. We have a long way to go.
Wonkette: Well, it is selling well! (On the bestseller list.)

Tom Malin: To answer your previous question about running again… I would be an amazing Representative. I understand the system. I understand people and how they work. Our country is in desperate need of hero’s and leaders.
Tom Malin: People of integrity and character that embrace who they are and are not affraid to tell the truth and be responsible and accountable.

Amen to that! If he were to run again, Tom Malin would have our full support — just as he did in his last race, for which we endorsed him.

Tom Malin: i really enjoy your site.
Wonkette: Glad to hear it! Most politicians take themselves so deadly seriously!
Tom Malin: it’s my pleasure. If you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at.
Wonkette: So true, so true.
Tom Malin: I think America would love to see George W. laugh at himself right now. His approval ratings would tick up. He would be real and relatable.
Wonkette: I agree — but it doesn’t seem like he’s in that place right now. Too on the defensive.
Tom Malin: I agree. He has all of us in a pickle right now. We need Ann Richards. Hillary is good at laughing at herself.
Wonkette: Definitely true — and interesting how she has loosened up in recent years. Back in the WH days, Hillary took herself so seriously.
Tom Malin: yes she did. I think she is popular as a Senator because she has developed a sense of humor.

Tom Malin: I know you need to go.
Tom Malin: I appreciate you allowing me to tell my story so to speak
Tom Malin: I admire your work
Wonkette: Please do stay in touch — you have my IM!
Tom Malin: i will keep you buddy listed! If you ever need opinions I have lots of them!!
Wonkette: Excellent. If you should happen to visit D.C., drop me a line, and perhaps we can grab drinks or something.
Tom Malin: or something…
Tom Malin: just kidding!! I would love that

Tom Malin: I am off to the gym to get my rear end back in shape like they were in the pictures!
Wonkette: Wow, you’re quite the gym rat! Weren’t you there already today?
Tom Malin: I worked out with the trainer earlier and now am heading to the gym for cardio
Wonkette: Happy work-out! You’re an inspiration to us all — I haven’t been in like a week…. And blogging isn’t exactly the most aerobic activity…
Tom Malin: Get going!! It’s so important

Tom Malin: you probably look great
Wonkette: Ha, alas, no. But the spring is coming, and I tend to exercise more in the spring.
Tom Malin: Looks sell. It’s all about marketing
Wonkette: Ain’t that the truth!
Tom Malin: indeed!
Tom Malin: Too bad sex doesnt sell in politics. or maybe it does!!
Wonkette: Let’s see what happens to Katherine Harris’s Senate bid!
Tom Malin: I would jump her in a second. But dont tell my partner.
Tom Malin: That is one woman I would cross over for.

You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen: Tom Malin would switch teams for Katherine Harris. It just doesn’t get any better than that!

Earlier: Prior Wonkette coverage of Tom Malin (scroll down)

• Reliable Source: People magazine puts Patrick Fitzgerald under "Smart Guys" in their "Sexiest Man" issue. . . Ted Koppel can do strong impressions of Henry Kissinger and Barbara Walters. [WP]
• Under the Dome: Dean Barkley, who was tapped to serve out Paul Wellstone's term, now manages Kinky Friedman's campaign for governor of Texas. . . Eight people show up for Rep. David Hobson's (R-Ohio) pheasant-hunting fundraiser. . . The Kennedys, Kerry, Hillary, and Scarborough honor Robert F. Kennedy on his 80th birthday. . . Spokesmen for DeLay and Hillary are awarded "Flak Jacket" honors. [The Hill]
• Lloyd Grove's Lowdown: Rove's attorney may have purchased an "I Love Karl Rove" shirt. [NYDN]

The Daily Briefing is on vacation.

• Inside the Beltway: Lance Armstrong dined at DC Coast last night (chilled cuke soup, tuna tartare). . . . Board members of the American Conservative Union don fake mustaches in support of John Bolton. . . . Liberal group liberal. [WT]
• Karen Feld: Bob Johnson's ex, Sheila Johnson, to marry the judge that granted her divorce; wedding to take place Sept. 24 and feature cakes by Oprah's baker and entertainment by Patti LaBelle. . . Willard Hotel opens new spa. . . WH shuts down deed bidding. [DCX]
• Page Six: Jon Klein's vision for CNN: "King asked Anderson a whopping 13 questions about her breasts, including, 'What size [are your breasts]'" and, 'They expand on camera?'". [NYP]
• Cindy Adams: Dems dub GOP's summer "An episode of 'The Sopranos.'" [NYP]
• Liz Smith: ABC'ers bracelets ask "What would Peter do?" . . . . Dennis Kucinich and bride had marathon lip-lock. . . Texas Book Festival Oct. 28 to feature President Bill Clinton, Salman Rushdie, David McCullough, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Garry Wills, and gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman. [NYP]