Wonkette’s Week in Review: All The News That Fits

• CIA Director Porter Goss called it quits this week, and didn’t make up a reason for leaving. Not even the standard “time with my family” excuse, which of course makes us think it had something to do with the hookers or the gambling and payola. Anyway, he’s back on the gulf shore already, and everyone is waiting to hear who the next shady character to take over the job is going to be.

• Scott McClellan gave his last press conference on Friday. The door did not hit his ass on the way out.

• In a drug-addled haze, Patrick Kennedy drove his car into a concrete barrier early Thursday morning. We were so hoping it was an 8-ball he chased with a liter of plastic-bottle vodka, but it looks like Pat is just your average congressional pill-popper. To add insult to self-induced injury, he only made it three blocks away from the bar before he crashed, which is nothing new for him. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, though, and he’s admitted powerlessness and is heading to rehab. Godspeed Patrick, we’ll probably see you there soon.

• All the breaking real news wore us out, so we took a little break to talk some smack about Elaine Chao.

• Crazy-ass Zacarias Moussaoui gets to spend the rest of his life at a supermax prison in South Park Florence, Colorado.

• Dick Cheney is featured in the June Vanity Fair. The article confirms a lot of suspicions about him being a bit of an odd duck and a “big time” asshole.

• We almost forgot, there was huge party last weekend that we wrote all about after sobering up. Of course after the party, there’s the after-party, and after the party it’s the hotel lobby.

READ MORE: CIA, White House, accidents, alcohol, annoying people, assholes, bit of an odd duck, breaking, briefings, conspiracies, crazy talk, dick cheney, drugs, drunk driving, elaine chao, events, gossip, hawk ‘n’ dove, hookers, law, mysterious resignations, parties, patrick kennedy, pills, porter goss, prom, prostitutes, resignations, scandal, scott mccellan, sex scandal, sex scandals, supposedly good dancing republicans, terror, terrorism, top, unverified rumors, war on terror, wednesday morning massacrette, week in review, whca, whcd, zacarias moussaoui

All We Want for Christmas: CIA Director Fran Townsend

You can’t believe how excited we were to read this speculation, at Firedoglake:

“Breaking news being reported by MSNBC: they have confirmed that Porter Goss has resigned as Director of CIA. Rumor has it that Frances Townsend may be the President’s new nominee for the position. NBC saying that they do not expect for a replacement to necessarily be named today.”

Nothing would make us happier. As we’ve said again and again, Fran Townsend is a total hottie.

If Townsend takes over as CIA director, let’s have a feature film about her life and career. Jennifer Garner, playing Townsend, will travel around the world, gathering intelligence and fighting our foes (preferably in a black lycra catsuit). It would be way more fun than “Commander In Chief.”

BREAKING: Porter Goss Resigns as CIA Chief [Firedoglake]

Earlier: Frances Townsend: She Can “Take Over Our Ports” Anytime

READ MORE: CIA, frances townsend, hotties, mysterious resignations, porter goss, resignations

MORE BREAKING: Alternative Porter Goss Hypotheses

We’ve offered you what we hope — for the sake of rumor-mongering, gossip, and this city’s desperate need for a good sex scandal — is the real reason for Porter Goss’s departure as CIA director.

But here are three other possibilities, besides the leak-related, intelligence-related, and torture-related theories that we identified earlier:

• It’s just a part of Shake-Up-A-Thon ‘06 — which is what a “senior administration official” told Fox News earlier this afternoon.

• Porter Goss was frustrated over the marginalization of the CIA, with John Negroponte, the director of national intelligence, taking over much of what used to be the CIA director’s role and responsibilities.

• Porter Goss used to be a Florida congressman, representing the 14th District. A reader suggests: “I bet [Goss is leaving] to run for the US Senate against Katherine Harris in the GOP primary and Bill Nelson in the general. FL filing deadline is next week and FL GOP has been looking for alternative to Harris.”

Of course, the various explanations aren’t mutually exclusive. Maybe Porter Goss received services from prostitutes AND will run against Katherine Harris in the GOP primary.

The “loud, controlled bang” you just heard was the sound of our heads exploding.

CIA Director Goss Stepping Down [Hotline On Call]
Update: More Random Goss Speculation
Earlier: BREAKING: Porter Goss Played More Than Cards

READ MORE: CIA, breaking, hookers, john negroponte, katherine harris, mysterious resignations, porter goss, prostitutes, resignations, scandal, sex scandal, sex scandals, top

BREAKING: Porter Goss Played More Than Cards

Porter Goss has just resigned as director of the CIA, and President Bush has accepted his resgination.

So why is Porter Goss leaving? Is it because of those torture allegations from last fall? Intelligence failures relating to Iraq? The recent scandals over CIA leaking?

Um, we don’t think so. We bet it has something to do with this — limos, and hookers, and other good stuff.

Bush: “Over the years, I’ve established a very close personal relationship with Porter.” Well, Mr. President, you weren’t the only one…

It’s hard out there for a john.

More TK.

Update: More Random Goss Speculation
MORE BREAKING: Alternative Porter Goss Hypotheses
Earlier: Hooker/Cunningham/WatergateGate: Who Didn’t Get Hookers?

READ MORE: CIA, breaking, hookers, mysterious resignations, porter goss, prostitutes, resignations, scandal, sex scandal, sex scandals, top

Check James Myart’s Back for Cell-Phone Shaped Bruises, Please

Cynthia McKinney gets carded. Her hairstyle may be different, but her FACE has not CHANGED. Got that, motherfucker?

Rep. Cynthia McKinney, the Georgia congresswoman whose altercation with a Capitol Hill police officer last month made national headlines, qualified to run for re-election Monday — and quickly drew a well-known challenger in July’s Democratic primary…

Meanwhile, James Myart, a prominent Texas civil rights attorney whom McKinney retained after her altercation with the police officer, issued a statement Monday saying he no longer represented her. He did not explain why she was no longer his client.

As we saw in the case of Jessica Cutler, withdrawals of counsel can be telling. They don’t happen that often; so when they do, there’s often an interesting reason. Any thoughts on why Myart is no longer representing Rep. McKinney (aside from possibly realizing that his client is totalmente loca)?

Despite this possible setback, McKinney continues to be her normal, ebullient self:

Arriving at the Georgia Capitol Monday on the first day of qualifying for the July 18 primary, the outspoken McKinney was all smiles and exuding confidence, telling reporters that “people love me because I tell the truth.”

Yeah — and because you go around slugging police officers. Without you, dear Cynthia, what on earth would we write about?

McKinney Draws Re-election Foe, Loses Attorney [CNN]

READ MORE: campaigns, cynthia mckinney, elections, james myart, law, lawyers, mysterious resignations

Usually the Subject of Pensions Makes People Fall Asleep, Not Go Insane

Most people would prefer to read the phone book over news about the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation. And since we don’t get pension benefits around here, the subject doesn’t interest us much either.

But today the PBGC may be the source of some mildly interesting gossip. An operative informs us:

Rumor hath it that Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation Executive Director Bradley Belt resigned abruptly this week because trying to make sense of the Bush Administration’s pension-reform policy has quite literally driven him crazy.

No, really, he quit abruptly and the rumor is he acted pretty nutty on the way out the door….

Maybe it was figuring out why his agency has the antiquated word “Guaranty” in its name that led him to go a bit cuckoo. Or maybe it’s the logical result when asked to translate Bush policy into sane programmatic reform. It just can’t be done.

Belt’s resignation letter doesn’t shed much light on the matter. He wrote: “This past two years has been a particularly tumultuous period for the PBGC, which has had to confront unprecedented operational, financial and policy challenges,”

Translation: “The PBGC has a $23 billion deficit. It’s totally fucked. I’m outta here!”

And what did the White House have to say about all this?

Question: Scott, Bradley Belt resigned or quit from the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation. Do you know why? Can you fill us in?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, I don’t have any more on that. I mean, I’d be glad to take a look at it, but I imagine it’s probably in his letter why he left.

Ah, vintage McClellan. If you have any additional information on Belt’s departure — or more information than Scotty, at least — please send it our way.

Chief of Pension Benefit Agency to Leave [AP]

READ MORE: bradley belt, gossip, mysterious resignations, pbgc, pension benefit guaranty corporation, resignations, scott mcclellan, unverified rumors

We Don’t Wanna Say We Told You So, but…

What’s the sort of news that can rouse us from our weekend weather intoxication? The arrest of a former White House adviser, of course:

A former domestic policy adviser to President Bush has been charged with theft for allegedly receiving phony refunds at department stores.

Claude Alexander Allen, 45, was arrested Thursday by Montgomery County police for allegedly returning more than $5,000 worth of merchandise he did not buy, according to county and federal authorities.

And, as if it’s even necessary, here’s what we had to say when Mr. Allen resigned abruptly:

He’s a morality-issues Christian-right Republican. So he’s probably a drug-addicted gambling gay adulterer with illegitimate children.

We’re not gloating, just pointing out the sad predictability of the Christian Conservative modus operandi. Can’t one of these people get arrested for driving out money changers from a temple or something for once?

Ex-White House Adviser Arrested [MSBNC]
Earlier: Whither Claude?

READ MORE: arrests, christians, claude allen, crime, fraud, morality, mysterious resignations, stealing, white house advisers

Whither Claude?

Claude Allen (right), the President’s principal domestic policy adviser, resigned abruptly this week, citing the old Washington Classic about spending more time with one’s family. Allen was a Movement Conservative with strong ties to the fundamentalist Christian element of Bush’s base and acted as “point person on abstinence initiatives.”

It’s possible Allen left on his own accord, but the abruptness makes it rather unlikely. We have no clue, actually, why the hell he’d be forced out, especially now, when one might think Bush would want to refocus on “morality” in preparation for a midterm election which has thus far looked pretty lousy for the party. It’s possible it’s Bush’s anger at being faced with criticism at the King funeral, but that doesn’t quite seem bad enough to cause a midnight train to the family departure.

But hell. He’s a morality-issues Christian-right Republican. So he’s probably a drug-addicted gambling gay adulterer with illegitimate children. But if anyone has proof (or a different theory, or idle speculation), we’re dying to hear it.

Update: We should’ve known to ask the house organ of the Republican Party. The Washington Times has an explanation.

In a Jan. 22 conversation with Rep. Walter B. Jones reported in The Washington Times, Mr. Allen promised the North Carolina Republican that President Bush would pressure Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld into allowing military chaplains to be more explicit about their faith. According to a military source, Mr. Allen resigned to protest the White House’s refusal to lean on the Pentagon about the issue.

We’re still curious. Bush has sold out the fundies enough time to make this one seem rather harmless, right?

Senior Administration Official Resigns [Hotline]
President Thanks Domestic Policy Advisor Claude Allen for Service [White House]
Air Force sets revised rules for prayers by its chaplains [WT]

READ MORE: bush, christians, claude allen, morality, mysterious resignations