Wonkette

Here’s one line of an e-mail from Wonkette tipster “Little R. Hen,” so secretive: “the first dude has a john edwards problem times ten zillion.” You heard it here first: Todd Plain gets four-thousand-zillion dollar haircuts. THERE ISN’T EVEN THAT MUCH MONEY ON EARTH, and yet.

Wonkette linguistics operative “Shih Tzu” sends us a variety of hilarious anagrams for “Sarah Palin” and “Sarah Heath Palin.” (She is named after the dead joker, Heath Ledger, which is offensive.) “Sarah Palin gets you Sharia Plan — Palin is clearly a stealth Muslim radical. Sarah Heath Palin gets you Ha Ha, Alpine Trash, which is kind of mean. It also gets you Ahh Shit, Anal Rape.” Well my stars, this Sarah Palin is no role model for our daughters. [Shih Tzu's Live Journal]

Your editor is sitting in the backseat of a gold Town & Country, like Hank Williams, as your other editors jabber up front and drive through the cornfields and cow hills of Nebraska. Let’s check the e-mail and see what’s … Oh goddamn, what does the Library of Congress want from your Wonkette? MORE »

• SARAH PALIN’S EXTENSIVE MILITARY EXPERIENCE: From a McCain statement about Sarah Palin: “As the head of Alaska’s National Guard and as the mother of a soldier herself, Gov. Palin understands what it takes to lead our nation and she understands the importance of supporting our troops.” And under Palin’s leadership, the Alaskan National Guard has pummeled northeastern Russia (our new Death Enemy) with some NUCLEAR WARBOMBS FROM SPACE, so we’re all set. [AP]

John McCain made a vice presidential choice, but no one knows her? Time to establish a complete waste-of-time TWITTER MEME in which one may use other INTERNET MEME JOKES to describe her. This is the most important Internet development since TUMBLR. Oh who are we kidding. We’re still getting over the lack of Mittens on this ticket, and it’ll take some time. [Twitter]

• Meet Huck, a Maverick golden retriever who discovered turpentine in a Rock Creek Park stream. He played in that stream for 5 1/2 years. [City Desk]
• Maryland will eventually be as hot as the desert city of Phoenix, but at least it will be more humid! [DCist]
• Mayor Fenty is anti-union, according to unions, who printed out fliers in color saying as much. [DC Examiner]
• The only things still in DC are orphaned BlackBerrys, some losers who are embarrassed to even be there, and of course President Bush and his friend the president of Tanzania. [Washington Post]
• Some Metro cars received bouncy handles of the future, which are prejudiced towards both short and tall people. [NBC 4]
• The Washington Times cafeteria remains tragically barren, as diplomatic ties with the caterer are crumbling. [Fishbowl DC]

Thanks to Wonkette fine arts operative “Kevin” for sending us this sneak peek of the official new McCain-Palin poster. It is an image for the New America. Don’t hope for Change — Photoshop it.

Wonkette’s favorite GILF has now graduated to a losing ticket for vice president. Hooray for Sarah Palin, the new fake Hillary Clinton! And like the Clintons, Palin and her husband, “Todd,” are involved in a horrible scandal in their corrupt nothing state, and it’s about troopers. So let’s offer a brief background about this epic scandal which has ruined her reputation in Alaska, where she used to have 90% approval ratings. And then you will realize exactly how creepy Alaska is where they would care about such a thing. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Greetings, Wonkette readers! Your Comics Curmudgeon wasn’t invited to the Wonkette Spring Break Denver Party House this year, because I was considered too square for the non-stop bikinis-and-blow hot tub party that the editors had planned. Nevertheless, I have done my best to keep on top of convention-related events from my squalid, Cheeto-dust-encrusted home office. Since I don’t even have basic cable, I’ve been following it entirely through editorial cartoons. Here’s what I’ve found out! MORE »

We sure had a helluva time running around Denver this week, especially in the fine Uptown neighborhood, which is so packed with patio restaurants and cheap fun bars and liquor stores and cafes and fancy eateries and green leafy pedestrian streets that we could’ve just hung around the neighborhood the whole time. Instead, we spent thousands of hours per day getting in and out of the security perimeters, watching speeches, laughing at delegates, and otherwise working for the Man. Now we drive to St. Paul! But we’ll be posting on the road, so keep refreshing Wonkette constantly for more hot Sarah Palin / Barack Obama action. [Wonkette @ DNC Denver]