Puh-totha-leaseeee.

This Oklahoma business only goes to show how badass we Red-Staters can be. Police in Red States are so bad-ass, they'll throw down even when nobody is around to throw down with. Just imagine what they'll do when some pansy-assed touchy-feely social science majors from Dartmouth roll up on the scene.

And stop painting this as your best against our worst (i.e., New York versus frigg'n West Virginia). West Virginia blows, as does Kentucky. We know that. But... Michigan? Hawaii? Maryland??? Those states are filled with gold-wearing union members, stoned surfers, and people who voted for Barbara Mikulski, respectively. Put them up against Virginia, Texas, or Florida and it's all over.

The gauntlet has been thrown down. Whachugottasay, Blue Staters?

by Chris on 04/18/06 02:44 PM

Would you really call the state that gave us Clay Aiken red? A fabulous shade of magenta maybe, but not red.

by TallyHo on 04/18/06 03:14 PM

I know there's a joke in here about Christopher Hitchens still claiming there actually was someone in the house...its just a question of finding the right words.

PS--New York beats Texas hands-down, PA beats VA, and Florida is just....special.

by CrabPeople on 04/18/06 03:15 PM

Do not under any circumstances attempt to throw down with Maryland, my friend. We are the home of the "Stop Snitchin'" phenomenon. We will bust a cap in your red state ass.

(Of course, us straight-up pimps from Mobtown, along with the hillbillies from the Eastern Shore and/or Frostburg, will concede that the inhabitants of Montgomery County are pussies. Let's make DC a state and give Monty County and PG County to them!)

by jfruh on 04/18/06 03:21 PM

Oh my goodness. I did not mean to start or take part in a red state v. blue state argument. Apologies all around.

I feel so dirty.

by Rusty on 04/18/06 03:27 PM

Chris,

Would that army from Florida be fighting on the side of the Blue States for six months out of the year and for the Red States for six months? Also, you are assumnig the illegals the Red Staters pine to put back on rafts (along with some Indian people you cannot tell from Hispanics) will be fighting on your side. In reality, they are the Blue States secret insurgency that will topple Florida's backwoods, child-molesting (seriously, what's up with that?), militia while they engage in seven hour standoffs with abandoned homes, and alligators.

Michigan's unions killed Jimmy Hoffa; Maryland's basketball fans nearly killed someone over the womens' NCAA title game, just imagine what they'll do in a real war, or in a real basketball game. And Babs Milkulski and Debbie Stabenow will kick the shit out of Liddy Dole and Kay Hutchison. Did I say kick? I meant eat.

Finally, our blue state big city queers are happily out at the gym preparing to kick your ass; yours are doing televised karaoke (and watching it).

by Barnacle on 04/18/06 03:57 PM

You really meant eat? Ewwww... I don't know how you yanks do it, but this is a family site, Barnacle. Keep things on the up and up.

Sure, unions killed Jimmy Hoffa and Maryland Basketball fans show all the restraint of a Liberian militia. But that just proves my point, dear sir.

Michigan Unioners would be fighting up until the point that they realized their guns or boots or something were made in another country, at which point they'd drop their weapons and do some kind of a "walk out" while blaring rhyming slogans into megaphones.

Maryland basketball fans would fight right up to the point they realized that their stash had run out, or the local garage was calling them to come back to work. Then they'd spontaneously riot, burning their own vehicles and such, as they tend to do.

Look... Saxby Chambliss versus Dick Durbin.

Tom Ridge versus freak'n Robert Reich.

Need I say more?

by Chris on 04/18/06 04:36 PM

Christopher, you should probably pick your closed-minded, tax-hating gauntlet back up off the floor (which, btw, is likely made of hay and cow dung). Nobody messes with Maryland and gets away with it. Tomorrow you shall wake up with a bloody beheaded crab in your bed (no, not that kind, the crustacean, silly) and you shall know that the Old Line State hath spoken.

by ewe is fluffy on 04/18/06 04:39 PM

Hold on, Chris... this is a family site? Okay, editors, those Katherine Harris pictures were WAY out of line!

by silver lining on 04/18/06 04:42 PM

Ewe is Fluffy, are you saying you're going to commit a felony tonight by breaking into the dwelling house of another?

You really are from Maryland!

by Chris on 04/18/06 04:55 PM

Chris, Tom Ridge is from Pennsylvania. A Blue State, four elections running.

It's that kind of attention to what the hell people are talking about that will give the Blue States an edge.

And this is not a family site... here's a haiku for you, it won't rhyme like a Auto union chant capable of breaking the will of a Southern union (read: immigrants who cannot live off federal handouts), but it works:

Blue state militas
In unions civil or job
Will assfuck the south.

by Barnacle on 04/18/06 05:00 PM

Saxby Chambliss is a pussy and a hopeless moron. He got his job because Rove wasn't above red-baiting a crippled veteran. Woo hoo, great tough pols you grow down in Gawgia.

In the ideal world lucky enough to be ruled by ME, the district would be folded in two and given to Virginia and Maryland. Maybe you could say that this already happened when Virginia got Arlington County, and I'm wiling to hear arguments to that effect. Also, in that same ideal world, Texas would be given to Mexico on an as-is basis. Florida, from Miami on south, would go to Cuba and Delaware would have to find some REAL state to join up with, like New Jersy. Out west, the empty dead zone states would all revert to Federal Territorial Status. Montanans and such would enjoy the same rights as are currently enjoyed by citizens of the district -- they would pay taxes, but not vote. When (if ever) their tax levees catch up with the amount they suck up in federal revenue, their franchise can be restored.

So easy. So much fun.

by Hugo de Naranja on 04/18/06 05:08 PM

I have it on good authority that Chris actually has blue hair and an eyebrow ring. I bet he also shops at Whole Foods where his cart is largely comprised of extra firm tofu, tofurkey, tofu dogs, and other non-meat meats. He probably doesn't even wear shoes. He's just a self-hater.

by ewe is fluffy on 04/18/06 05:28 PM

Ewe, damnit, I don't have that stuff anymore. I wear blazers with elbow patches and read the Wall Street Journal now, and you know it.

And leave my shopping habits out of this.

Barnacle: I cede the debate to you because of you wonderful haiku. Bravo, good sir.

by Chris on 04/18/06 05:38 PM

Florida is short-bus special? I'll take it as a compliment and call it a day.

by TallyHo on 04/18/06 05:44 PM

i loves me some wonkette comment orgies. so much better than the commenting over at gawker and defamer. crazy stuff.

by Ben G. on 04/18/06 10:27 PM