THIS JUST IN: THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T READ DAVID IGNATIUS

On Andy Card’s last day, even — they never fire the ones you want, right?

“Earlier today I spoke with Don Rumsfeld about ongoing military operations in the global war on terror,” the president said. “I reiterated my strong support for his leadership during this historic and challenging time for our nation.”
[…]
“Secretary Rumsfeld’s energetic and steady leadership is exactly what is needed at this critical period. He has my full support and deepest appreciation.”

“Energetic and steady”? Well, the energy makes for more interesting press conferences, sure, but the steadiness is kinda the problem. Unless consistent incompetence is your bag, Mr. President — which, we should’ve gathered by now, it is.

Bush Declares Full Support For Rumsfeld [NYT]

READ MORE: donald rumsfeld, george w. bush, incompetence, iraq, resignations, retired generals, retirements, shakeups, war

Maybe the Resignation Rumors Should Focus on Condi

After all, Condoleezza Rice’s “dream job” just opened up:

So will she be leaving? Maybe not, given the suboptimal timing — the end of the Bush Administration is just too far off (assuming no impeachment). Thus, at a briefing earlier today, State Department spokesman Sean McCormack told reporters, “At the moment, the secretary is enjoying being secretary of state.”

But note that hedge: just because Condi’s “enjoying” her current position doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy the NFL job even more. Stay tuned…

NFL Commissioner Tagliabue to Retire [WP]
Tagliabue to Retire as NFL Commissioner [NYT]

Earlier: While We Were Sleeping: Condi for NFL Commissioner

READ MORE: condi, condoleezza rice, football, nfl, paul tagliabue, resignations, retirements

Rumors of Rumsfeld’s Demise: Greatly Exaggerated?

They appear to be unsubstantiated — but since we specialize in unsubstantiated rumors around here, consider this speculation, from The Hotline:

It did not escape the notice of Washington wags that on the third anniversary of the commencement of major combat operations in Iraq, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was nowhere to be seen on the Sunday shows.

And in an era when resignation rumors are, shall we say, overdetermined, his absence once again predictably is fueling an onslaught of Monday morning rumors.

They don’t seem to be true, but several news organizations are chasing them anyway.

If you have any good gossip on this subject, please feel free to share. (But if you’d like to submit a rant against Rumsfeld, we’ll pass; we’re perfectly capable of writing our own anti-Rumsfeld rants.)

About Those Rumsfeld Rumors… [The Hotline]

Earlier: Rummy’s Got Your Number, Abu Musab al-Majority of Americans

READ MORE: donald rumsfeld, hotline, resignations, retirements, rumors, the hotline, unverified rumors

Justice Stevens: The Secret of His Success

Today’s Post has an article by Charles Lane on Justice John Paul Stevens, about whom we’ve blogged a fair amount over the past few weeks. Rumors of his possible retirement from the Court continue to circulate (even if they are probably unfounded).

Much of the Post’s article is an unexciting summary of Justice Stevens’s jurisprudence. But near the end, we get to the good stuff:

According to family members and former law clerks, Stevens still writes the first draft of his opinions. He uses the Internet, studied French before a recent vacation in Europe and has become hooked on Sudoku number puzzles….

Stevens has survived prostate cancer. He had a single-bypass heart operation in the 1970s — which Susan Mullen described as “a real wake-up call.” Since then, he has followed a low-fat diet, eating only a grapefruit for lunch.

Today’s paper also brings us this bit of service journalism, in the area of personal health:

[To maintain their brains, people should] regularly engage in mentally stimulating activities. These may involve doing logic puzzles like Sudoku, reading an entire newspaper daily or going to a museum — anything that takes you outside your normal range of thinking, said Elizabeth Edgerly, a clinical psychologist.

Message to Ann Coulter: there is no need to poison Justice Stevens’s creme brulee (or grapefruit). Just sneak into the Supreme Court building, steal his sudoku book, and run away as fast as you can! JPS will be off the Court in no time — unless he sticks around watching soap operas all day, like Thurgood Marshall…

With Longevity on Court, Stevens’s Center-Left Influence Has Grown [WP]
Preventive Maintenance For the Brain [WP]

Earlier: So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens? Wonkette Contest Results, Part 2
So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens? Wonkette Contest Results, Part 1
A Wonkette Reader Contest: So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens?
When Ann Coulter Commits Voter Fraud, She Commits Voter Fraud, Dammit

READ MORE: John Paul Stevens, ann coulter, retirements, sudoku, supreme court, unverified rumors

So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens? Wonkette Contest Results, Part 2

Earlier today, we announced some of the finalists in our Wonkette reader contest, “So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens?” Now, what you’ve all been waiting for: the runner-up and the winner!

But first one final caveat. As we originally emphasized, the rumor that Justice Stevens uttered the sentence, “I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”, is just that — a rumor. And it may not be a particularly reliable one. One former clerk emailed us as follows:

As someone who clerked for Justice Stevens and is fairly familiar with his manner of public and private expression, I find it incredulous that he would say anything of the kind. He’s a gentleman through and through, and the expression attributed to him is totally inconsistent with his personality. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone made up the quote for malicious purposes. Cf. Ann Coulter.

Although we are certainly willing to blame Ann Coulter for all that is evil in the world, we can assure you that she was not our source. But we do think that the above caveat is valuable, which is why we’ve shared it with you.

After the jump, the runner-up and the winning entry — and a bonus gift for our readers!

It was very tough choosing between our two top entries. One was more erudite, but the other was more pithy. In the end, we adhered to the old adage, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” So here’s the runner-up:

• “Goddammit, when Thurgood was here, we got really good bud. That asshole Souter is too cheap to spring for the sensimillia. I can’t put up with this shit anymore! I’m moving to Alaska. I never got to know Bill Douglas all that well, but he said the hemp from Gravina Island would get you so fucked up that it would be worth building a bridge to get to it from Ketchikan. And he was one of those those guys with a hard-on for protecting the environment, too.”
  —Anonymous

And finally, our winning entry:

• “Mother Fucker. Michelle Kwan, you’ve failed me for the last time. I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Patrick Tutwiler

Congratulations to Mr. Tutwiler and Anonymous for their excellent entries — and thanks to all readers who participated. As a token of our appreciation, we present you with a link to a song that fans of Justice Stevens are sure to enjoy: “Hang On Stevens,” sung to the tune of “Hang On Sloopy.” Enjoy!

Hang on Stevens! [The Al Franken Show] [mp3 download]

READ MORE: John Paul Stevens, ann coulter, contests, reader tips, retirements, supreme court, unverified rumors

So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens? Wonkette Contest Results, Part 1

Last week, we announced a Wonkette reader contest, based on the rumor that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens was recently overheard exclaiming, “I can’t put up with this shit anymore!” After some of you objected to our speculative theory that his comment might have been retirement-related, we asked you to submit proposed responses to this question:

If Justice Stevens uttered the words “I can’t put up with this shit anymore,” but wasn’t expressing frustration with the rightward drift of the Court, what on earth was he actually talking about?

Thanks for all the great responses! We received dozens of entries, and we enjoyed reading them — or most of them, anyway.

A prefatory comment about our methodology. Right off the bat, we removed from consideration all scatological responses. Although Wonkette obviously has no aversion to the scatological — check out our site placement in this Google search — we viewed the literal “shit” joke as just too easy. So if you submitted a response about Justice Stevens stepping in canine fecal matter, complaining about colostomy bags or adult diapers, or bitching about other justices not flushing the toilet in “the little justices’ room,” sorry — it didn’t make the cut.

We winnowed the entries down to ten finalists. After the jump, eight responses that we enjoyed; later in the day, the runner-up and the winner.

We’ve done some rough grouping of the responses. Here they are:

The Lowbrow

• “I am so happy that Sandy O retired. Her and Ruth BG kept trapping me behind my desk and asking me to show them what I wear under my robe! I was close to breaking — I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Anonymous

• “This Roberts kid keeps flipping up the back of my robe and shouting ‘Show me your briefs.’ I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Darby Lyons

The Middlebrow

• Justice Stevens, gazing at a quivering corpse: “That’s the fourth clerk/food taster I’ve hired since Ann Coulter started sending me snacks. I can’t take this shit anymore!”
  —“dthardy”

• “If I have to see Ryan and Marissa get into another fight over some guy, or if Seth lies to Summer again, I’m going put a warrant out on Josh Schwartz! I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Alex Harisiadis

These next two entries are so similar, we felt we couldn’t include one without the other; but we counted them as one for purposes of selecting ten finalists.

• “First Family Guy and now Arrested Development. When will Fox learn!? I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Adam Raymond

• “Fox is cancelling Arrested Development, while Nanny 911 remains? I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Anonymous

The Quasi-Highbrow/Highbrow

• From the left: “Why do we pay Clarence Thomas a salary? Can’t we just multiply any Antonin Scalia vote by two and save the taxpayers some cheddar? It’s not like he ever says anything, anyway. I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Ron Mwangaguhunga

• From the right: “Congress keeps passing one law after another, as if we can’t make good laws right here in the Supreme Court. I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”
  —Andrew of ConfirmThem

• From the well-informed: “Don’t join the cert pool, Brennan told me, you just have to look at the contents. Don’t join the cert pool, White told me, you just grit your teeth and do it. Don’t join the cert pool, Powell told me, it’s not polite to foist visitors off on your servants. I can’t put up with this shit anymore!
  —Roger Friedman

And the fun’s not over yet, kids. Check in later today for the runner-up and the winner!

Earlier: A Wonkette Reader Contest: So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens?
Breaking: Justice Stevens “Can’t Put Up With This Shit Anymore”!

READ MORE: John Paul Stevens, contests, reader tips, retirements, supreme court, unverified rumors

A Wonkette Reader Contest: So What’s Really Bothering Justice Stevens?

Some of you pointed out that the recent rumor we passed along, about Justice John Paul Stevens possibly stepping down from the Supreme Court in June, was somewhat cryptic. You correctly noted that we neglected to supply any context connecting the overheard remark from Justice Stevens — “I can’t put up with this shit anymore!” — with the possibility of retirement.

Suffice it to say that we have reason to believe the remark was retirement-related. Unfortunately, we can’t say more without compromising the confidentiality of our sources — and you wouldn’t want us to do that now, would you?

But we see an opportunity here for a fun little contest. If Justice Stevens uttered the words “I can’t put up with this shit anymore,” but wasn’t expressing frustration with the rightward drift of the Court, what on earth was he actually talking about?

Send us your guesses, by email, with the words “Justice Stevens contest” or “JPS contest” in the subject. Your submission should take the form of quoted language that could appear directly before the overheard remark. Here’s a sample entry:

“I’m glad that Sam Alito will be taking over coffee duty — he sure knows his coffee! I’m sick and tired of the weak crap that Steve [Breyer] has been serving us all these years. I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”

Next week we’ll print some of our favorite contest entries, as well as one winning response, in the pages of this blog. The contributors whose responses we publish will be identified by name. But if you don’t want to be so mentioned, please ask to remain anonymous.

Thanks, and good luck!

Earlier: Justice Stevens: Not Going Gentle Into That Good Night?
Breaking: Justice Stevens “Can’t Put Up With This Shit Anymore”!

READ MORE: John Paul Stevens, contests, retirements, samuel alito, stephen breyer, supreme court, unverified rumors

Justice Stevens: Not Going Gentle Into That Good Night?

Geez! Some of you had almost violent reactions to the rumor we passed along yesterday that Justice John Paul Stevens might retire from the Supreme Court in June. These responses are representative:

JPS retire? Not a fat chance! But that’s just a feeling I have. It’s not really based on any facts. Or anything I’ve overheard. It would just make me mad is all. So…

NewsMax and Confirm Them certainly would love Stevens to retire. But a dearly held wet-dream does not reality make… Which is a good thing for those of us who hope that Stevens turns out to be immortal, or at least a very long-lived cyborg.

After the jump, some reassurance for those of you who fear that this rumor will come to pass.

Here are some interesting reader comments arguing that JPS isn’t going anywhere anytime soon:

One of my profs is a recent Stevens clerk and he apparently does not intend to retire anytime in the near future.

Justice Stevens has an older brother who is in his 90s and doing just fine, playing tennis and/or golf. My buddy [name omitted] clerked for Stevens a few years back and tells me that Stevens has no intention of retiring ever. He is, like Rehnquist was, sick of the constant speculation and was offended when Clinton’s people asked him if he’d please consider retiring — so he sure as hell has no intention of retiring anytime soon. I think the phrase [the ex-Stevens clerk] used was “cold dead hands” in response to the question of when they’d pry his special pen of Justice away from him….

If Justice Stevens is upset about being in “a powerless liberal minority,” why would he leave this June, only to allow President Bush and the Republican-controlled Senate to install another conservative? He should at least hold off until June 2007, after the midterm elections, when the Democrats will hopefully have more seats in the Senate.

Come on! JPS’s in great health, does most of his work in Florida, and gets paid some nice buckage to irritate the fuck out of Scalia. WHO WOULDN’T WANT THAT JOB FOREVER? Long live Justice Stevens!

Idle Gossip and Speculation About Justice Stevens [Confirm Them]
Stevens Yes! Stevens No! [Judge and Jewry: Above the Din]

Earlier: Breaking: Justice Stevens “Can’t Put Up With This Shit Any More”!

READ MORE: John Paul Stevens, retirements, supreme court, unverified rumors

Breaking: Justice Stevens “Can’t Put Up With This Shit Anymore”!

Rumor has it that Justice John Paul Stevens, the senior member of the Supreme Court’s liberal wing, may call it quits when the current court term ends in June. Sources say he’s fed up with being in a powerless liberal minority — and recently expressed that frustration in some pretty colorful language for a Supreme Court justice: “I can’t put up with this shit anymore!”

Justice Stevens: Mad as hell, and not going to take this anymore!

Because retirement rumors about Justice Stevens return each spring with the birds and the flowers, we look upon them with suspicion. And there are reasons to view the rumors skeptically once again. First, at a recent clerk dinner, Justice Stevens said he had no plans to retire. Second, Justice Stevens has hired law clerks for the next term, which suggests that he plans to remain on the Court at least through June 2007 (or at least wants people to think that he will).

This time around, however, the JPS resignation rumor is supported by more detailed and credible information. First, there’s the specificity of the overheard language: “I can’t put up with this shit anymore!” Second, recent events — namely, the replacement of Justice O’Connor by Justice Alito — make Justice Stevens’s frustrated outburst more understandable.

Third, Justice Stevens may also have personal reasons for stepping down. Although he’s in fine health himself, despite turning 86 this coming April, rumor has it that his wife Maryann Simon could be in better health. Justice Stevens may wish to spend more time with her, just as Justice O’Connor left the Court to spend more time with her ailing husband, John Jay O’Connor.

An obvious caveat: this is all just idle gossip and speculation (like pretty much everything else you read here). Perhaps the overheard comment was merely a complaint by Justice Stevens about the food at the Supreme Court cafeteria — especially that funny-tasting creme brulee. Perhaps Justice Stevens intends to serve on the Court until the day he dies, like the late Chief Justice Rehnquist.

So what are Justice Stevens’s plans — and are you actually in a position to know? If so, please email us.

Will Justice Stevens Retire at the End of This Term? [Confirm Them]
Next Court Pick: Mother of All Battles [NewsMax]
Poison Justice Stevens, Coulter Jokes [CNN]

READ MORE: John Paul Stevens, ann coulter, breaking, creme brulee, john jay o’connor, maryann simon, retirements, samuel alito, sandra day o’connor, supreme court, top, william rehnquist