This is actually sorta brilliant. Senators Kerry and Kennedy could have stopped the Samuel Alito nomination by EATING HIM.

Lawmaker Chews on Legislation [CNN]

Today our coverage of China-Taiwan relations converges with our continuing panda coverage. The L.A. Times reports:

China’s latest weapon in its increasingly effective charm offensive against Taiwan is an offer of giant pandas. Who would think of turning down two lovable animals that zoos around the world can only dream about, you might ask?

The government of archrival Taiwanese President Chen Shui-bian, for one, which finds itself tied in knots over the offer. Let one panda’s nose in the tent, Chen and his allies fear, and you buy into Beijing’s claim that Taiwan is part of China, a notion impossible for the pro-independence government on the island to accept.

“The pandas are a trick, just like the Trojan horse,” said lawmaker Huang Shi-cho of the Taiwan Solidarity Union party. “Pandas are cute, but they are meant to destroy Taiwan’s psychological defenses.”

Huh? Trojan pandas? It seems to us that pandas aren’t really in need of Trojans:

The species has earned the nickname “living fossils” for having an inefficient reproductive system, with captive males showing little interest in sex, and females in heat only a few days a year. Foreign scientists working with the Chinese have made advances in artificial insemination, while Chinese keepers have taken a different tack: panda “porn” videos to get them in the mood.

Panda porn? “Mei Xiang Does Manchuria”? Try not to think too hard about that, people.

Attack of the Pandas [LAT]

Earlier: Because Taiwan Is Always Getting Screwed By the U.S.
That Buttery Goodness Doesn’t Come Cheap
Metro Section: Stinky Panda Porn

The Taipei Times reports:

President Chen Shui-bian yesterday used the Oscar nominated movie Brokeback Mountain as an analogy to describe relations between the US and Taiwan, stressing the importance of both sides seeking ways to reconcile and cooperate with one another to reach the common pursuit of a “great new world.”

Huh? The President of Taiwan is comparing U.S.-Taiwan relations to a sublimely dysfunctional relationship between two gay ranch hands?

Okay, fine; we’ll play along. Taiwan is definitely Jake Gyllenhaal, since it’s always getting **** ed in the ass by Heath Ledger, a.k.a. the United States. So if America is Heath Ledger, then mainland China must be… Michelle Williams. (God, this is starting to sound like a Maureen Dowd column — if she ever bothered to write about U.S.-Taiwan relations.)

We wish we knew how to quit making strained analogies and lame jokes based on Brokeback Mountain!

Brokeback Mountain Sets Good Example, Chen Says [Taipei Times]