Remainders: Sweet Summer Sack Sweat

• Jonah Goldberg really wants some holographic technology, ‘cause regular internet porn just isn’t doing it for him any more. [The National Review]

• “Dick Cheney’s a barely human, oozing, feces-covered demi-gorgon who rips the heads off ducklings just for sport.” That, and uh, Lee Siegel likes licking blogger scrotum. [Rude Pundit]

• Dick Cheney will lick John King’s blood stain off his boots if he asks him one more question about “that damn gay book Mary wrote.” [The Petrelis Files]

• The Guardian newspaper: the British curmudgeon’s first place for news. [PSFK]

• The kind of mad libs the White House press corps plays on those middle-of-the-night flights to Iraq. [Concurring Opinions]

• Utah congressional candidate John Jacob knows that he’d be swimming in cash, Scrooge McDuck style, if it wasn’t for, uh, Satan. [Salt Lake City Tribune]

• Beware the heavenly power of the Blogfather! [Red State]

READ MORE: Remainders, Utah, balls, campaigns, dick cheney, eavesdropping, jerome armstrong, john king, jonah goldberg, mad libs, mary cheney, porn, satan, scrotums, self-writing jokes, the blogfather, white house press corps

Remainders: The Magical Mr. Mistoffelees

• Jon Stewart has no illusions — if he were any funnier, he’d be dead. [The Apiary]

• Anheuser-Busch responds to market forces by getting liquored up. [Reuters]

• The Consumer Federation of America declares the real-estate industry a “cockamamie cartel.” National Association of Realtors fires back with, “I know you are but what am I?” [Freakonomics]

• Their de facto monopoly lost, the New York Times decides falling circulation numbers are the result of a “difficult economic environment.” Yeah, that’s it. [Jeff Matthews Is Not Making This Up]

• Speaking of monopoly, Bush finds reading with a monocle pretty hard, so he gives it up. [Whiskey Bar]

• Jerome Armstrong and Markos Moulitsas are the toughest extortionists this side of a MacBook Pro. [The New Republic]

• According to Nino Scalia, when you’ve got a job for life, sixteen years ago seems like yesterday. [The Agitator]

• Anderson Cooper interviews Angelina Jolie about “Her Mission & Motherhood,” and they still don’t beat O’Reilly. We smell Satan. [TVnewser]

READ MORE: Remainders, anderson cooper, angelina jolie, antonin scalia, bloggers, booze, george w. bush, jon stewart, markos moulitsas zuniga, real estate, the blogfather, the new york times

Remainders: Tupac Would Roll Over In His Grave, If He Were Really Dead

• G to the W-B, President number 4-3, keepin’ it real up here in DC. [Atom Films]

• Mark Warner knows that some day, and that day may never come, Jerome Armstrong may need a favor of him. [Salon]

• The New York Times, in typical MSM fashion, can’t be bothered to Google the Virginia hottie sending bricks to Congress. [Attytood]

• The 24,000 page tax return filed by General Electric is Six Sigmarific! [Tax Prof]

• Fucking required reading for connoisseurs of “fuck.” [Social Science Research Network]

READ MORE: 2008, Remainders, bloggers, bush, candidates, funny, george w. bush, hotties, mark warner, msm, oh fuck, taxes, the blogfather, the new york times, videos