Wonkette

We are commencing the long terrible journey to Barack Obama’s Athletics Parthenon and Live Pagan Sex Spectacle. It will take approximately one million hours, and we have to stop for lunch besides, so if we do not post for a few hours it is because we are drunk or incarcerated or maybe we have expired in the heat. Wish us luck.

• ROVE, YOU SCOURGE: Talking about the possibility of Hurricane Gustav making landfall during the Republican convention, Karl Rove tells Fox News, “The Republicans can’t seem to get a break when it comes to August and when it comes to the weather.” Right in the middle of the president’s vacation, frequently! Stupid asshole weather, poor Republicans.

Hell, we already have two, but we’ll take another. There’s a food shortage PEOPLE and kidneys taste gooooood. [Craigslist]

Barack Obama and his Husseinbots tried to suffocate all three Clintons last night, in a Pepsi Center elevator. That is not Change We Need — it’s attempted murder! Read this SUN-TIMES EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT: “The Clinton family — Bill, Hillary and Chelsea — got stuck in an elevator Wednesday night, shortly after they left their box at the Pepsi Center … The Clintons got stuck midway between one floor and the next, and ultimately had to climb out of the elevator, back up three-and-a-half-feet to the next floor.” According to this EXCLUSIVE, “Observers were impressed at how calm everyone remained” in the face of rogue black hope elevators trying to kill them. [Chicago Sun-Times]

One “Washington Insider” and member of a gym that Barack Obama attends in DC told us last night that the candidate is actually kind of a halfhearted “athlete,” and doesn’t even bother running on the treadmill. Instead he walks, like one of the Golden Girls. Anyhow, this morning Barack Obama had another one of his so-called workouts at the Denver Athletic Club, which of course culminated in his sinking multiple three-pointers from Eagleton. [Denver Post]

Not in Denver rocking the stadium with Barack Obama and Little Stevie Wonder? Well, lucky you! There’s fun stuff going on in D.C., too, and no ugly media people to muck it up. Enjoy sculpture, deejays, aliens and Dostoyevsky! MORE »

Civil War veteran John McCain served his country with “honor,” but he has no idea what “honor” even means! In a hilarious Q&A with TIME Magazine — hilarious because he’s just barking “Get off my lawn!” at the poor reporters — McCain is asked a simple, boring, “just quote your stump speech” question, and he goes absolutely crazy. MORE »

The hottest ticket in America tonight is Barack Obama’s all-star oldies concert at Denver’s Mile High Stadium, during which he will sink a thousand three-pointers from downtown Ancient Athens. But don’t feel bad about missing history or whatever, because John McCain is also having some sort of sporting facility event, on Friday — he will appear with his veep pick at “Wright State University’s Nutter Center” in some little town in Ohio. Ha ha, it is called “Nutter Center.” Anyway, there are only 10,000 tickets available, and they’re all pretty much still available. Cindy McCain may pay you a hundred bucks and a vicodin just to keep a seat warm for an hour. [Political Wire/Dayton Daily News]

Everybody knows that poor old John McCain owns so many wonderful luxury homes in Arizona and California and Communist France that he literally has no idea how many wonderful luxury homes he owns — after all, that’s Cindy’s accounting firm’s job, counting up the stuff! But a shocking new study reveals that likely McCain running mate Mitt Romney literally owns fifty-five houses. MORE »

• Guess who showed up at the Dem Convention last night, after Biden’s speech? (We told you he would be there.) [SF Gate]
• By the way, there was some history made in Denver last night. Huzzah for Barry. [Newsday]
• “Rove Tried To Kill Lieberman” …. Oh wait, “Rove Tried To Kill Lieberman VP Pick.” [Politico]
• But McCain just wants to pick some Abortionist as his vice president. [Washington Post]
• Giant tech-savvy Afghanistan spider has somehow turned up in England and learned blogging skills. The terrified family “identified the spider using the internet.” [BBC News]
• Hurricane Gustav shouldn’t hit New Orleans before Monday afternoon, leaving Ray Nagin plenty more time to party in Denver. [NOLA.com]
• Stevie Wonder needs to play this song, as the Rolling Stones played it, at Obama’s stadium show. [YouTube]
• Famous people, semi-famous people and indie-rock bands are all over Denver, “hoping” to get more press. [Denver Post]