Meet the Cryptokids!

Around these parts, the interwebs are frequently the inspiration for and the dissemination point of all of our mockery. One of the wonderful things the web has done is prompt the advent of government websites — every agency seems to have one, and their content is usually a lovely sort of unintended comedy. Highlighting this is sometimes something that takes a little work, sometimes something that’s ridiculously easy.

And then, every so often, a government agency will put something up on their website that’s so surreally hilarious, it blows our minds. When tipster Glenn May pointed us in the direction of the National Security Agency’s “For Kids” content, we salivated at the thought at what we might find. But we had. No. Idea.

Folks: They’ve got cartoon characters.

Anthropomorphic code-crackin’ woodland creatures.

Meet the entire Cryptokids gang after the jump.— DCEIVER

Crypto Cat

Brief Bio: Parents were schoolteachers on Navajo reservation. Was taught the Navajo language by some old woman. In turn—get this!—he himself taught his native American classmates how to speak it! Way to go, paleface! “We did such a good job with our new codes that our teachers couldn’t even break them!” Sort of an Ancient Burial Grounds Poets Society! Moved away to new high school where he met the rest of the Crytokids gang!

Fashion Statemement:
Standard issue WB Network androgyny.

PC angle:
Aside from the feel-good story of cavortin’ with the Injuns, CryptoCat has a sister with Down’s Syndrome and coaches her special-needs swim team.

Sinister weirdness
Ultimate frisbee enthusiast.

Decipher Dog

Brief Bio:
Dad is a cop. Thinks stepmom is an NSA “network engineer” but when you read between the lines, it’s clear she’s actually Valerie Plame. Crypto Cat taught him Navajo coding, subjected him to unfortunate name “D-Dog.” Now thinks being a Crypto Kid is “pretty cool.” Career virgin fate was thus sealed.

Fashion Statemement:
Western Kentucky off-ramp dyke bar.

Unhinged dorkery:
Seems a little too proud of building wireless network in his house. Prone to gee-whiz statements like: “Plus we wouldn’t have all those cables lying around the house – I was tripping over them all the time.”

Sinister weirdness
Loves playing hangman.

Rosetta Stone

Brief Bio:
Mother and father are archaeologists. Also, she’s home-schooled—but she managed to fill the gaping void in her life with just about every piece of ancient Japanese hokum she could get her hands on. Fell under the spell of one of those military recruiters that stalk University campuses with their Roofies of Patriotism.

Fashion Statemement:
Wu-Tang Phooey.

This is really sad!
You’re telling me.

Sinister weirdness
She’s a little too blown away by sushi: “It sounds gross, but they both taste really good and they’re easy to pick up with chopsticks!”

T. Top

Brief Bio:
Learned BASIC in junior high, which means he went to Junior High in 1985 and fell into a two-decade long coma. When he awoke, he discovered he had become a socially inept putz. Met Crypto Cat in the computer lab looking for information on “advanced secret codes.”

Fashion Statemement:
Seth Green called, he wants his closet back.

Deserves a white-hot death because:
Of his propensity toward using the word “kewl” every twenty seconds.

Sinister weirdness
Dreams of building a robot that will walk the dog for him.

Joules

Brief Bio:
Regularly pummeling her brain with a cereal bowl full of Ecstacy, she flits from place to place in an ADD-fueled haze armed with her saxaphone and her perpetually terrified dog.

Fashion Statemement:
And here I’d thought Jem and Holograms had broken up!

Saddest part of all:
Thinks her life is “interesting.”

Sinister weirdness
That motto of hers: “Never stop wondering!” Can’t you see that hanging in the NSA foyer?

Sergeant Sam

Brief Bio:
Imagine if Chris Cooper’s kid in American Beauty had turned out the way he had hoped.

Fashion Statemement:
Olive drab; high-tensile alloyed ramrods.

Career overview:
Syriana, and how.

Sinister weirdness
Do we need to spell it our for you? Total fucking pedophile!

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