The Scorching Dipshittery of John Derbyshire

The inimitable Mister Derbyshire invites Iraqis of all stripes to refrain from cluttering his beautiful mind with their sorry gripes.

Further, as a “To Hell With Them Hawk” (I think I can claim to be a founder member), the stuff about improving Iraqi lives bounces right off me. What business is it of mine, to improve Iraqi lives? Would Iraqis improve my life, if they could? “The enormous increase in cell phones, cars, and satellite TVs…” Leaving aside the fact that these improvements would have occurred anyway with the end of the Saddam embargo and the collapse of the command economy, was it really necessary to spend tens of billions of dollars and sacrifice two thousand American lives so that Iraqis could have more cell phones? If the good people of Chad, or Libya, or North Korea, suffer from an insufficiency of cell phones, shall we invade their countries?

Huh. You wanna know some stuff that doesn’t “bounce off” a person? A machete. Wielded by Hutus.

Derbyshire claims to be writing further on this matter in a future column. Let’s hope he takes the time to read Niall Ferguson’s book, Colossus, in the interim, which, while flawed in places, makes powerful note of the fact that the British Empire only flourished through the efforts of countless British subjects who did, in fact, travel to the furthest ends of the world fueled by their ambitions to better the lives of people around the world.

If he can, in fact, name a successful empire built by dickheads who tossed facile-sounding, egocentric essays at the walls from their easy chairs, we’d love to hear about it. In the meantime, Mr. Derbyshire, just know that if they ever erect the Donald Rumsfeld Memorial Funnel Cake Stand in the middle of downtown Baghdad, you don’t get to have any.

Derb On Nadler [The Corner]

READ MORE: fat armchair surfing fools, john derbyshire, niall ferguson, the corner, war in iraq

Presidential Daily Briefings are Apparently Typeset on the Gutenberg Printing Press and Sent to the Oval Office by Passenger Pigeon

So, President Bush is on television right now, thrusting his fists against the same old posts, still insisting that he sees the same old ghosts. The speech is filled with so many of the same old quotations about the war in Iraq, that we can only assume that the dude who’s responsible for typing text into CNN’s scroll is CTRL-Ving his finger to the nub. For our part, the only way to make Bush’s speech fun is to play the fortune cookie game:

• “We will not rest until the enemy is defeated…IN BED!”
• “We will not base our strategies on the artificial timetables established by politicians…IN BED!”
• “As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down…IN BED!”

Still, the President has added a new wrinkle to this speech, suggesting that his words aren’t merely some sort of autonomic nerve response that occurs whenever a gathering of people clap at him. Today, he’s perseverating profoundly on “improvised explosive devices.” Seriously. He’s got like, three whole grafs on the subject.

This begs the question: “Holy shit, Mr. President! Are you just hearing NOW about IED’s? Those things have been around since, like, a week after the invasion, and we’re just now getting around to talking about them?” Uh-oh, we detect the aroma of another “historical document” that’s lingered too long in his inbox.

Tune in next week, when President Bush gets firm with the people who’ve looted all of Iraq’s museums!

READ MORE: fortune cookies, george w. bush, war in iraq

And Just Like That, There Were Never Any Problems In Iraq Ever Again Ever…

Hey! Who says that all the good news coming out of Iraq doesn’t get reported? Check out the glad tidings of great joy, in an article enthusiastically titled: “In a First, Iraq Executes 13 Insurgents.”

Hooray, everyone! Government mandated execution finally has a foothold in Iraq, where, as you know—and have no doubt depaired over—it previously had never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever flourished! How can anyone doubt the awesomeness of this march that freedom is on!

I tell you, it’s times like these that make me want to fuck a bald eagle in the mouth!

READ MORE: animal human hybrids, war in iraq

It’s Hard Out Here For a Guest Blogger

Good morning, Washington. Remember me? David, one of your regularly scheduled mavens of inside-the-Beltway snarkery is going out of town for a few days, so I’ll be sitting in for him, trading laffs with Alex for the next six days.

Gollygoshes. A whole lot has changed since we last spoke. South Dakota fetuses are off to a banner year, from what I hear. We all have a brand new reason to fear Dick Cheney. Crash—which, as I’ve said elsewhere, seems to me to be little more than Volcano without all the volcanic activity—actually won the Oscar for Best Picture. And over in Iraq, the slow descent into total meltdown is being characterized in the press as “periods of partly cloudy sectarian violence with a twenty percent chance of Antietam.”

Things have changed over at Wonkette as well. No more kitty cat. No more bylines. And now, the words are big enough for even Senator George Allen to slowly read along with the rest of us. But the most dramatic change to Wonkette since I’ve been gone is that apparently, I can no longer pad my paycheck by posting an item about Butterstick everyday. That’s too bad: that was quite a nice scam I had going there.

At any rate, I’m very happy to have the opportunity to spend some time with all of you. And tipsters? Show your love, and help a blogga out. Good morning, and good luck.

READ MORE: Iraq’s Slow Descent Into Total Annihilation, dceiver, dick cheney, george allen, south dakota, war in iraq, wonkette

Remainders: Your Active Denial System Edition

• President Bush wants us to believe that everything is going super-terrific well in Iraq, that democracy is on the march and that the electoral process is bringing hope and flowers and funnel cake to the misbegotten motherfuckers of Mesopotamia. BUT IF THAT IS TRUE: Why is the Pentagon sending their PAIN RAY (!?) to Iraq? [DefenseTech.org]

• Timothy Noah says George Bush told a whopper. That’ll teach him. [Slate]

• Today is Festivus. Let the airing of grievances commence! [Wikipedia]

• Maureen Dowd’s temporary pen caddy chivalrously rises to her defense. [GuideLive]

• Don’t forget! You have only a few days left to vote in the Urbs! [Gridskipper]— DCEIVER

READ MORE: Remainders, festivus, george bush, gridskipper, maureen dowd, slate, war in iraq, war kitsch

Metro Section: Please Stand Clear of the Closing Doors Edition

• Remember, Santa has a list! So be good for goodness’ sake, and do something nice, like helping out with some area plans to send a massive care package to the troops in Iraq. [DC Blogs]

• Bush says the Washington Times hates America! The WT issues an angry, “Et tu, Brute?” [FishbowlDC]

• The NYC Transit Strike: could it happen here? Would it happen here? [DCist]

• Make your plans for Restaurant Week by keeping up with the list of participants. Or, just go to Elevation Burger. [DC Foodies]— DCEIVER

READ MORE: fishbowldc, food, metro, metro section, new york city, war in iraq, washington times

Republican Senator sends an Evite to Terrorists

The administration has been resolute in their insistence that there would be no timetable for withdrawal in Iraq. We guess the idea is that the sudden, unexplained disappearance of American troops from Iraq will so gobsmack the terrorists that they’ll be too busy, you know…having their minds BLOWN to create an insurgent surge. Still, remember when the President said this morning that it’s the stupid pre-911 tradition of “an open debate on the law” that aids and comforts the enemy? Well, Eleanor Stables at CQ Daily has ferreted out the latest terrorist sympathizer among us.

While debate continues on when U.S. troops should be withdrawn from Iraq, Senate Majority Whip Mitch McConnell is planning for a victory celebration - sooner rather than later, it seems.

The Kentucky Republican is the sponsor of an amendment to the 2006
defense authorization bill (HR 1815) that would authorize up to $20 million - minus private contributions - to commemorate the success of U.S. armed forces in Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom. The money would help pay for celebrations honoring the return of military personnel from Iraq and Afghanistan “with appropriate ceremonies, activities and awards commemorating their sacrifice and service to the United States and the cause of freedom in the Global War on Terrorism.” Most of the funding would be used by the Pentagon to cover the costs of military personnel participating in events held in Washington. The amendment, which was adopted by unanimous consent, would also allow the president to designate a special day for the observances.

So it looks like someone knows something about when the troops will be coming home…eh, Mitch? Because while the Joint Chiefs may do fine without a timetable, most good caterers can’t.— DCEIVER

READ MORE: mitch mcconnell, timetables, war in iraq

Daily Briefing: Terrorists & Katrina

• Leahy, Baucus, Johnson will support Roberts; Kerry, Kennedy, Corzine, Boxer, Reid will vote no. [NYT, LAT, USAT]
• Bush multitasks over second Supreme Court nomination, hurricanes, Iraq, and Social Security; talks of Katrina and terrorists, “They’re the kind of people who look at Katrina and wish they had caused it. We’re in a war against these people.” [NYT, USAT]
• Republicans propose spending cuts as Congress passes $6b in Katrina-related tax breaks. [WSJ, WP, USAT]
• Next Supreme Court nominee will face heightened scrutiny. [WP]
• House Republicans will pursue inquiry of government’s response to Katrina in spite of boycott by Democrats. [WP, NYT]

• Senators want answers, not obstruction from the Pentagon about Able Danger’s pre-9/11 knowledge of Mohamed Atta. [NYT, USAT]
• Lawyer of arrested official accuses Justice Department of coercion. [NYT]
• Democratic activists are united against Roberts. [NYT]
• Frist deflects ethical questions by explaining sale of stock that subsequently lost value. [WP, NYT]
• Gold Star Families For Peace launch $1m television and print campaign; anti-war rally will be held on Saturday. [WP]
• Karen Hughes begins “listening tour” trip to Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Turkey. [USAT]

READ MORE: Democrats, Pentagon, Republicans, Rita, SCOTUS, able danger, barbara boxer, bill frist, cindy sheehan, congress, george w. bush, harry reid, john g. roberts, john kerry, katrina, max baucus, mohamad atta, patrick leahy, ted kennedy, terrorists, tim johnson, war in iraq