When Mike McCurry posted his “Telecommunication companies have paid me to tell you that they should own the internets” thing, everyone else on HuffPo just got mad and wrote mean things about him, they didn’t demand that he take it outside. That’s why we like Cenk Uygur.

See, Michael Smerconish (and we don’t actually know who he is, but he blogs on HuffPo, so he’s a CELEBRITY) repeatedly called everyone in America a “sissy” in a HuffPost for not killing Zacarias Moussaoui. Uygur objected to this, and, reasonably, responded by calling Smerconish a “pussy” and challenging him to a fight. Like, a real fight.

Violence is seldom the answer. But it is in this case. An organized, controlled, consensual beat down. You agree to fight me, and I agree to crush you. Of course, I don’t want anyone getting the wrong message. I am not advocating vigilante justice against idiotic conservative talk show hosts. I don’t want anyone else to kick Smerconish’s ass. Just me.

Yes! Liberals be violent! There is hope for the party! Also, does this mean all the HuffPo bloggers will start fighting each other? We’d like to see Deepak Chopra and Peter Daou arm-wrestle. We think Chopra could probably win just with the power of his mind. But Daou would win the real way, with actual arms. Also, Rachel Sklar/Jay Rosen staring contest! It’s on!

The Final Word on Moussaoui [HuffPo]
Michael Smerconish is a Pussy [HuffPo]

You read that Post article about the Moussaoui jury? The foreman’s all upset because one jerk kept voting against the Death Penalty, leading to a stalemate, leading to Zac’s life sentence. Sort of annoying, we guess, if you’re dead set on killing a terrorist and some stupid liberal won’t let you, but the real news here is that HENRY FONDA IS STILL ALIVE.

One Juror Between Terrorist And Death [WP]

It’s Friday! It’s a beautiful day! After yesterday’s torrential rain, the sun is out, the birds are chirping, the weekend beckons, and you’re still sitting in your office wasting your life away. That would make anyone turn mean, right? That’s why we at Wonkette provide to you the best in all-purpose political meanness every week. But on Fridays, we outsource the meanness to Editorial Cartoon Expert the Comics Curmudgeon, who, this week, has culled the meanest of the mean from Today’s Cartoons and dissected them in the name of science.

After the jump, the tears of a VPOTUS, dope-smokin’ presidents, and a certain congresswoman we know quite well.

You know who was the most aggrevated Stephen Colbert’s little snarky-snark snarkfest over at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner? No, not the President, who had to sit there and fume through it; not the lefty blogosphere, who went ape **** when it wasn’t recognized as the defiant jeremiad that it was; not the Washington press corps, who had to go through contortions to explain why it made them uncomfortable. No, the real victims were the political cartoonists, who speak the truth to power every day, man — if by “speak” you mean “draw funny pictures of — and who can never get a rise out of anybody. (Note: Danish cartoonists excluded from previous sentence.)

In order to recognize these brave men and women who aren’t afraid to discard the “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” advice their mothers no doubt gave them, we here at Wonkette this week have decided to feature the meanest political cartoons we could find. We also look behind the cruelity and try to determine if its justified.

Cheney weeps

Defiant statement of truth: Dick Cheney is a fat fraud!

Thinking about it a little: But did he really every claim not to be an evil mass-murdering bastard? I mean, did he ever use that exact sentence: “I am not an evil mass-murdering bastard”? I’m willing to suspend my judgement on the fraud charges until I see proof on that.

But is it true?: The Cheney-bot 9000 cannot produce liquid tears, even crocodile ones. Maybe after the next upgrade.

Groovy policies

Defiant statement of truth: Bush and Cheney are so out of touch with reality, it’s like they’re high!

Thinking about it a little: It would be very sad if Donald Rumsfeld were happy and high and yet still could only muster that tight, hypercontrolled little smile that makes it look like he has to poop.

But is it true?: Well, the paranoia is setting in, that’s for sure.

Katharine Harris is out of her hanging from a tree

Defiant statement of truth: The Bush brothers’ treatment of Harris has been so ungrateful, they might as well have lynched her!

Thinking about it a little: I can’t decide: Would this cartoon be more offensive if Harris were black, or less?

But is it true?: No man in this position could keep himself from looking up her skirt and still call himself a man.

The Da Vinci Code vs. God-fearing America

Defiant statement of truth: Far from attempting to cater to the sensibilities of millions of American Christians, Hollywood producers actually celebrate their scorn!

Thinking about it a little: Because the Last Temptation of Christ did those Titanic- like box office numbers, right?

But is it true?: While I don’t claim to know what goes on behind the scenes in Hollyweird, the fact that these two balding, middle-aged men have hired a young assistant with a very large chest does add a certain air of versimilitude.

Virgins spared

Defiant statement of truth: Convicted 9/11 plotter Zacarias Moussaoui is so vile, even the virgins awaiting martyrs in the afterlife want nothing to do with him!

Thinking about it a little: You get to the afterlife and then there are 70 virgins and they don’t even want to have sex with you? What the hell kind of reward is that?

But is it true: Lies! All vile lies from the infidel! Please don’t burn me in effigy. I’m very sensitive.

Hayden’s watching you

Defiant statement of truth: Michael Hayden, nominated to head the CIA, is so dedicated to a panopticon-style police state that it’s as if he had an enormous, creepy eye in the middle of his forehead!

Thinking about it a little: I’m having a hard time thinking about it, actually, because the drawing of the eye is so **** ing creepy.

But is it true: Eye … creepy … creepy eye … mustn’t look … can’t look away … —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

• Reliable Source: Court TV’s Washington correspondent Savannah Guthrie is more focused on Zacarias Moussaoui than Scooter Libby… Monica Lewinsky spotted at a political comedy show in London. [WP]
• Heard on the Hill: Aide to Rep. Steve Israel (D-N.Y.) hits “reply all” with “let’s all just booze soon” missive… James Dobson gets caught in the doors of the Senate subway. [Roll Call]
• Page Six: John Dean gives W. Mark Felt’s memoir a horrible review, saying it “is riddled with errors” and “adds absolutely nothing to our understanding about Felt’s role as Bob Woodward’s source during Watergate.” [NYP]
• Cindy Adams: Rep. Patrick Kennedy’s car accident will not actually be investigated. [NYP]
• Rush & Molloy: Patrick Kennedy has reportedly “been yearning for the company of ex-girlfriend” Tatiana Platt. [NYDN]
• Liz Smith: McCain on Washington: “So much is going to come down, so many indictments… well, it’s all so corrupt,” and to Katie Couric: “Congratulations and condolences.” [NYP]
• Inside Politics: Sen. George Allen wins Young Republican National Federation straw poll. [WT]

• CIA Director Porter Goss called it quits this week, and didn’t make up a reason for leaving. Not even the standard “time with my family” excuse, which of course makes us think it had something to do with the hookers or the gambling and payola. Anyway, he’s back on the gulf shore already, and everyone is waiting to hear who the next shady character to take over the job is going to be.

• Scott McClellan gave his last press conference on Friday. The door did not hit his ass on the way out.

• In a drug-addled haze, Patrick Kennedy drove his car into a concrete barrier early Thursday morning. We were so hoping it was an 8-ball he chased with a liter of plastic-bottle vodka, but it looks like Pat is just your average congressional pill-popper. To add insult to self-induced injury, he only made it three blocks away from the bar before he crashed, which is nothing new for him. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, though, and he’s admitted powerlessness and is heading to rehab. Godspeed Patrick, we’ll probably see you there soon.

• All the breaking real news wore us out, so we took a little break to talk some smack about Elaine Chao.

• Crazy-ass Zacarias Moussaoui gets to spend the rest of his life at a supermax prison in South Park Florence, Colorado.

• Dick Cheney is featured in the June Vanity Fair. The article confirms a lot of suspicions about him being a bit of an odd duck and a “big time” **** .

• We almost forgot, there was huge party last weekend that we wrote all about after sobering up. Of course after the party, there’s the after-party, and after the party it’s the hotel lobby.

• Ohh, this new blog is very shiny and has so many things to click! [Freeride]

• Moussaoui could still be clapping in prison, if his cellmate is into theater fantasies. [Won L]

• Any chance of dispelling the “DC is a nerd town” label is pretty much gone. [Metroblogging DC]

• Speaker of the House, doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an open palm. [Eavesdrop DC]

It took a while for the court spokesperson to read through the long and complex special verdict form, but here’s the upshot: Zacarias Moussaoui will not be getting the death penalty. Instead, he’ll be spending the rest of his life in prison.

Of course, Moussaoui enduring a lifetime of prison food is probably what would have happened in any event. Even if he had received the death penalty, an inevitable chain of appeals would have ensued. And even if he had tried to waive his appellate rights, perhaps desiring a martyr’s death, there might have been some question as to whether he was competent to make such a waiver. That in turn could have spawned a real cluster **** of litigation, with Moussaoui and his own lawyers acting at cross-purposes — as they’ve done time and again throughout this case.

Judge Leonie Brinkema will officially pronounce sentence upon Moussaoui tomorrow morning.

Earlier: BREAKING: Moussaoui Verdict Reached

It’s anyone guess as to what the jury — which deliberated for a surprisingly long time — has decided. Should Zacarias Moussaoui be sentenced to death, given the heinousness of the 9/11 crimes? Or would that make him a martyr? Or is he insane?

It’s all so confusing. Anyway, the verdict will be read at 4:30 PM Eastern time. More TK.

Update: Here’s the jury verdict.

Verdict reached in Moussaoui case [Reuters]

Well, we’d hope so.

Defense Seeks to Spare Moussaoui’s Life [NYT, but then they changed it, the bastards]

Zacarias Moussaoui has been found eligible for the death penalty. The trial will now move into the next phase, in which the jury will determine whether Moussaoui will actually receive the death penalty. The proceedings are scheduled to resume on Thursday.

CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin makes a very valid point: Carla Martin must be breathing a huge sigh of relief right now.

Guess who’s getting blitzed tonight? Margaritas all around!

Earlier: Breaking: Zacarias Moussaoui Verdict Reached
Plus, After the Holy War, He’d Just Leave Those Knives in the Sink For Days
Stalin Woulda Had This Guy Killed Ten Times By Now. Hell, Nixon Woulda Taken Care of Him Faster

The headline says it all — a jury has decided whether Zacarias Moussaoui is eligible for the death penalty. This is just the first phase; if Moussaoui is found eligible, the next phase would determine whether he actually receives the death penalty.

It’s hard to predict what the verdict will be, since there are several conflicting factors at work here. In Moussaoui’s favor: the less-than-airtight prosecution case (thanks, Carla Martin). Weighing against Moussaoui: the magnitude of the crime, and his own disastrous testimony.

The verdict will be announced at 4 PM EST. Check back for updates.

Update: Here is the jury’s verdict.

Oh man, haven’t we all had roommates like that? Never clean up after themselves, have people over at all hours of the night, try to get you to join their holy wars involving airplanes and knives…

Moussaoui Friend Testifies [WP]

You know, we’ll believe this country’s sliding dangerously towards tyranny once this government can put on a proper Show Trial. What is this Moussaoui **** ? Transporation Security Administration lawyer Carla Martin, seen here in a desperate last-ditch attempt to confuse the jury by dressing up at the judge, went around bugging the Justice Department attorneys and coaching witnesses until she had demonstrated rather conclusively that even if Moussaoui had mailed in a notarized letter to the TSA in early September, 2001, letting them know that a bunch of guys were going to run airplanes into buildings next Tuesday, please see attached pictures and Orbitz itineraries, the government still would’ve found a way to **** it up.

Anyway, that whole death penalty thing looks like it might be a no go. Sorry, revenge fans. On the plus side, for those of you looking to maybe open your own al-Qaeda franchise here at home, CNN has provided a handy interactive feature that’ll be perfect for jump-starting your jihad:
Clip’n’save! It’ll go perfect with your “Maps to the Decadent, Anti-Muslim Stars’ Homes That Are an Insult to the Prophet.”

Witnesses: Coaching Had No Impact [CNN]

CNN: We go live now to a press conference, where Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez is taking questions on the Moussaoui trial.

Gonzalez: I’m not going to comment on the Moussaoui trial.

CNN: So there you have it. Attorney General Gonzalez answering at least one question about the Moussaoui trial.

Please, CNN, don’t hurt anybody!

Sheesh. Remember when the most burning question in Washington was "Which White House source greased up Judy Miller and what grade of WD-40 did he use?" Yeah, us neither, really. But Reuters suggests the whole Rove-a-Dope scandal may be nearing its grand finale, which would include a rumored deal for Miller to obtain an airtight waiver from her mystery source. Us, we're just waiting for the revelation that Judy Miller has located WMD's in the cell of Zacarias Moussaoui, who is housed one floor below her in the Alexandria Detention Center. -- HOLLY MARTINS

CIA Leak Probe May Be Nearing End Game [Yahoo News]