Search Results for “fuck”

  but did he summon Beetlejuice?

Florida Appointee Utters ‘Climate Change’ Three Times In Succession, Summons Devil Himself

Did somebody say my name???
...wants, just like a teenager whose mom just dropped him off at the mall to smoke drugs with his friends. “Fuck fuck fuck! Climate change climate change climate change!” Reports vary as to whether Steverson’s utterance summoned Beetlejuice, the Bloody Virgin Mary or 97% of all living climate scientists, but we’re pretty sure whoever showed up slapped him across the face nice and hard. We’re also pretty sure he’s...
  my god my god why hast thou forsaken me

Bristol Palin Living In Sin For Third Or Eighteenth Time, For Abstinence

Bristol is definitely not pregnant in this picture
...rself to Medal of Honor soldierman Dakota Meyer. We love love! And my God, after watching (parts of) her truly fucking terrible reality show, we genuinely wished for Bristol a relationship with a man (or special lady!) who wasn’t a dumb fucking idiot. Well, shooty Murkin hero Meyer posted to his Instagramz that he and Palin are shacked up in Kentucky, even though they have not even had their sacred union blessed by any manner of Sky Daddy...
  Fix yourself a drink and let's gossip!

It’s Sunday Funday, Let’s All Have Brunch And Gossip About The Week’s Top Stories!

Awww the poor thing, get him a benedict immediately.
...you should go ahead and drop $5 in the collection plate, so that we can continue to report on Rand Paul’s fuckups. Starting tomorrow, it’s Marco Rubio week! Here comes the plate! Get your $5 bill ready!  Okay, that’s out of the way, so without further ado, here are your ten very favoritest stories of the week, as determined by Science. If you’ve already fapped to them, FAP AGAIN: 1. As you all know, Rand Paul announced his...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Rand Paul Is A Genius, You Morons!

To the editors: I liked the old library better.
...dly said to Norman Mailer, “Oh, so you’re the young man that doesn’t know how to spell ‘fuck.'” Just a note to trolls: You can say “fuck” here, you delicate things. Just not for long. But it won’t be the fuck-word that wins you a tap from the Banhammer of Loving Correction. And also from the same drawer, there’s this, from “JD 101,” on Rand Paul’s Terrible Horrible Totally ...
  this week’s column basically wrote itself

Who Forgot To Close The F*cking Sunroof?: Your Florida Roundup

just bearing my arms, bro
...lace on Earth where — on baseball’s Opening Day — you can have a rain delay in a stadium that has a fucking roof: Congratulations to the Miami Marlins on finding a way to stop their first game of the season with a rain delay, despite having a stadium with a roof. They are pioneers. Pioneers who didn’t close their roof. Better yet: Because this is a stadium with a fucking roof, the grounds crew really had no equipment to deal with a dr...
  With friends like these who needs enemas?

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Cure Your Kids’ Autism By Shooting Bleach Up Their Butts!

...was to bathe him in bleach, feed him bleach, or shoot bleach up his butt? Of course not, because you are not a FUCKING MANIAC. But not all parents are so enlightened as you, dear reader. Enter the Miracle Mineral Solution people (or MMS as they call it, to get Johnny Law off their asses). They’re the jackasses who think squirting industrial strength bleach up their children’s buttholes will “cure” them of anything from au...
  nature's most disgusting miracle

Hi, Let’s Talk About My Hemorrhoids! By Me, Rebecca Schoenkopf!

...ueezing to the thing on my butt. OH! and the Lidocaine injection before the scalpeling and squeezing, which HOO FUCKING BOY DOES THAT BURN LIKE FUCK! Also, they say the pregnant ladies report to them that the thrombosed hemorrhoids hurt worse than labor, and they poor-you you, and you go home, and take your Vicodin, and you lie around and whine to your PRINCE of a husband and he is SO NICE TO YOU and then a day or two later, you are fine, and the...
  Who Guards The Bawdy Guards?

Another Day, Another Secret Service A**hole Gets Caught Being An A**hole

If they don't shape up, make them wear the Nixon uniforms.
...male agent March 31. It’s been what, all of two, maybe three, weeks since the last drunken Secret Service fuckup? Are they worried we’ll forget about them? The woman told police and agency investigators that Morales, her boss, told her during the party at Capitol City Brewing Company that he was in love with her and would like to have sex with her, according to two people briefed on her statements. In the office later, she alleged, M...
  rand paul f*ck-up watch

If Rand Paul F*cks Up One More Day This Week, He Wins A New Car!

He'll fuck up waving at some point, just watch.
Senator Dr. Rand Paul has fucked up in so many ways since kicking off his presidential campaign on Tuesday that we are probably going to be able to write a daily “How Is Rand Paul Fucking Up Today?” feature for this here Wonkette for the next year. We’re really looking forward to documenting all the ways Paul will fuck up between now and the day next February when he suspends his campaign after finishing ninth in Iowa behind Jeb Bush, Marco ...
  But what if a bad guy with a gun gets in?

No Guns Allowed At NRA Convention, Now Everyone Will Get Mugged :(

But how can I get Sarah Palin to autograph my lady gun if I can't take it to the convention?
...filtrated by Obama-loving anti-American liberals. They have announced that at their annual convention of donkey-fucking nutbags, to be held this weekend in Nashville, you aren’t even allowed to have loaded guns! How is this even safe? What if a bad guy with a gun somehow infiltrates the premises, like an Ay-rab or a black person? A multilevel security plan went into works not long after Nashville was chosen as the convention destination. Al...
  Madame Endora sees more poverty in your future

Kansas Will Make Sure Welfare Queens Can’t Get Their Palms Read On Caribbean Cruises

It is very tough coming up with new and creative ways to fuck the poor. A Missouri rep decided in March that he would try to do it by advancing a bill to make sure none of those gross people on SNAP benefits would be able to buy luxury items like seafood, because heaven forfend poor people (who are not actually spending money on lobster) have something healthy to eat. Kansas has now completely one-upped its eastern neighbor, by sending Governor...
  Clean-up on aisle six

Let’s Jizz All Over The Walmart: Your Florida Roundup

Dumber than a speeding bullet
...ls So … ever been at a Walmart, seen a purrrty lady walk by, and decided you needed to choke the chicken right fucking there? No? Meet 20-year-old jerker-offer Taylor Davis, who flogged the bishop and then wiped the, um, byproduct on a couple of Hefty trash bag boxes: A Walmart security guard spotted Taylor Davis, 20, in the infants’ department of the Walmart on Vineland Road Tuesday evening, listening to headphones and touching himself th...
  If you're using vaseline to fuck the poors you're doing it wrong

In Maine, A Chafed A**Hole Gets Vaseline

At this point the governor does not know she has greasy Vaseline lube in her purse.
...that way, to be all symbolism-like, as if to say “hey why don’t YOU use some of this while you are fucking the poors, eh?” The Maine Democratic Party, of course, condemned the greasy-lube-substitute-throwing incident, and Maine Republicans are saying can we PLEASE have some civility and maybe a little fucking decorum around here? While we don’t really think that throwing bottles of Vaseline at people is very effective, Le...
  Or does he just have very poor judgment in choosing friends?

Is Indiana Gov. Mike Pence The Michael Jordan Of Hating Gays?

He had met the circled hatemongers before, you know.
...nce did himself a right nice presser Tuesday morning, wherein he explained that he is Not Sorry for signing the Fuck The Gays bill, which he does not understand, but that he wants to clarify that he in no way, shape, or form wants the law to be used to actually fuck the gays. And never, in his whole life, has he supported discrimination, no sir. “I don’t support discrimination against gays or lesbians or anyone else,” he said. “...
  businesslady jobcreating entrepreneurin'

Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
...or a minute too then she was all WHOOPS TWO BOOK DEALS BYYYYYE, so neither of those ladies counts, and they can fuck right off because of how they are sex-positive and do not take “fuck right off” as an insult but as the well wishes it is meant to be. Right. Then Kaili was all HI, HOW ABOUT I DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU, and so we stole her from Daily Kos. And she’s been awesome and does our job real good like! Then we hired Shypixel...
  George Stephanopoulos's questions have a well known liberal bias

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand

I am a deeply stupid man, I am the biggest idiot, I am the worst governor of any of the states, and that is saying something.
...oulos Sunday Teevee Funtimes Mimosa Hour, where he attempted to defend his decision to sign Indiana’s new Fuck The Gays bill, known by its supporters as a totally necessary safeguard protecting their precious religious freedom. Pence first claims that this is a totally normal law, because the federal Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) was signed 20 years ago by President Bill (Democrat) Clinton (Democrat), and because Illinois has...
  Nice state you've got there -- shame if something were to happen to it

Corporations And Celebrities Agree: Anti-Gay Indiana Can Get Bent

On Thursday, wingnut Indiana Gov. Mike Pence signed his state’s Fuck The Gays bill into law, which basically says that as long as your religion tells you Jesus’s first and only question on Judgment Day will be “and how many of my gay children did you personally abuse?”, you are free to use those beliefs to deny LGBT people service and accommodations in the forgotten, godforsaken state of Indiana. Gov. Pence did so becaus...
  why don't we get drunk and ... nope

Here Is John Boehner, Too Drunk To F*ck (Video)

...o of a man Chuck says is John Boehner, though there is no way to really know, come to think of it, slurring THE FUCK outta some names of some colleges. At Johnson’s flagship muckraking website, Gotnews.com, he says that John Boehner is being racist in the above sideways cell phone camera video, because he called the NCAA (you know, the dudes who run college basketball) the NAACP/NCAA and then chuckled. We, as a white woman, were not sure if...
  But in a good way!

Christian Church Will Take Convention To Better State Than Anti-Gay Indiana, For Religious Freedom

The Disciples of Christ denomination's cup runneth over, even for gays!
...rsday morning in a “private ceremony.” Good for the Gen Con folks, because an Indiana with a “Fuck You Gays” bill doesn’t deserve tourism money. But now a true House Of The Lord is ALSO threatening to take their convention to a better state. Yes, you read that right. A Christian denomination, the Disciples Of Christ to be exact, wrote a letter to the governor saying, “Sorry, we follow Jesus,” because appa...
 

The Snake Oil Bulletin: I See Bullsh*t in Your Future

...Ever. It’s hard for us to summarize this article with the requisite dick jokes it deserves because it is fucking long. We’re pretty sure even the writer fell asleep halfway through. If you love the length of a dissertation but hate all of that research-y and science-y stuff, this article is for you. Hilariously, the article plugs a book by Amy Lansky with the completely unironic title of Impossible Cure: The Promise of Homeopathy. Ho...
  Now look what you've done!

Bad Seed Aaron Schock Has Shamed His Daddy And Made Him Sad

Aaron's jazz hands ignore his father's pain
.... Apparently it is on Dr. Richard Schock’s radar, in some way, that his son is Not Gay, but doesn’t Fuck Women, but wears Blue Belts and also is probably gay. Aaron, why are you making things so awkward for your father? Maybe you should have The Talk with him. Start by apologizing for being such a fuck-up, so he doesn’t have to make awkward excuses for you anymore. He went on to say this, which is, um, interesting: “Ten ye...
  Just hope the plane doesn't go down while you're going down

Spirit Airlines Will 69 You In The Sky, Wingnut Outrage To Commence Shortly

Mile High Club
...s into the city, assuring travelers that they are NOT smoking all of the crack. Also, sometimes, they are kinda fucking rude, like when they did the “Eye Of The Tiger” campaign, after Tiger Woods was in a car accident, which featured a tiger slamming his SUV into a fire hydrant. Or the time when they used the “free at last!” slogan to celebrate air travel on Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday, that’s NOT racial...