Search Results for “fuck”

  The No-Diddle Duggars

TLC: What If We Did A Show About The Duggars Who DON’T Diddle Little Girls?

Bye, Josh!
...nk this might be a moment for TLC to sit back and go, “YA KNOW? Maybe our little business plan of putting fucked up people on the teevee, and then being shocked when we find out that they are fucked up, is not working so well anymore!” TLC announced it is pulling 19 Kids And Counting for now but that no final decisions have been made as to the show’s future, even as advertisers run for the hills because who would want to be asso...

How Not To Counsel Your Daughters When They’ve Been Molested By Josh Duggar

Duggar family values.
...childish sexual experimenting, considering they went to their dad for help. So that seems less like “dumb fucked-up repressed kid” and more like “predator.” I’d suggest he should have tried masturbating instead, but considering the values of his gross, terrible family, that’s probably an equal “sin.” We aren’t going to go into the Duggar family’s vicious, fork-tongued hypocrisy regarding...
  It's gonna be YOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!

President Donald Trump Will Build YOOOGE Gold-Plated Fence To Keep Out Messicans

Here is how Donald Trump will save you, America
...REAT way to reform immigration, right in the face. With a fence. A big one! A Trump fence! It will be klassy as fuck, and say TRUMP!!! on it, and it will be the greatest fucking fence you’ve ever seen. Suck it, China, with your “wall.” And then Executive Commander-in-Chief Trump will send an invoice to Mexico, on his official gold-scented President of America stationery: “To whoever Hispanican it may concern, which is ALL...
  oh look it's another fuck the poors story

Maine Gov. Paul LePage Will Starve Your Kids, Because You’re Probably A Gross Junkie Anyway

Not sorry your kids are hungry.
So, we know that Maine Gov. Paul LePage is an asshole, and that he likes to do everything he can to fuck the poors. Now, he has come up with a new trick, in the form of Maine LD 1407 , which proscribes a whole new set of hoops to jump through if you want to keep getting welfare or food stamps through the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF program). Here, have some drug tests! Hope you don’t fail them, otherwise we just might ta...
  Goo Goo Ga Ga Woo Woo

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Let’s Fill Our Veins With Air Bubbles And Try Not To Die

...reatment. What did it actually involve? Injecting oxygen directly into her bloodstream. With a syringe. And the fuckheads made her daughter do it. Because human beings are monsters. The 74-year-old victim immediately had a seizure, vomited, and passed out. When she regained consciousness, she couldn’t move or speak. Her daughter rushed her to the hospital where she was declared dead within a week from an embolism, which is what you call an...
  ooh poll taxes!

Ohio Will Let You Vote For The Low, Low Price Of $8.50!

Ohio is even less expensive than Monopoly!
...hio Republicans, for loving poor people so much that you will give them a free ID to vote with!” But nah, fuck those Ohio Republicans. Because this actually doesn’t just affect extremely poor people, but it definitely affects a lot of people who might be tempted by Satan into voting for Democrats. Policy Matters Ohio, which MSNBC reports is a “liberal leaning think tank,” so obviously they are liars, breaks it down: More t...
  Now we know

Jeb ‘The Smart One’ Bush Determined To Prove He’s Just As Stupid As His Brother

Yes, he's that dumb
...d know how to answer the most obvious question he will be asked during his not-yet-official campaign: Are you a fucking idiot just like your brother? Yes. Yes he is. Jeb stopped by Fox News — the cable news network that was the official sponsor of the George Dubya Bush presidency — for a quick friendly chat about how Jeb supposedly wants to be president, though he seems to be trying real hard to make sure that doesn’t happen. An...

Did Jeb Bush Personally Film Hardcore Porn Flicks As Florida Governor?

Shield your eyes!
...ich sure does sound weird! How were they “morbid?” Was Movie Gallery selling/renting DVDs of people fucking corpses or something? Does this mean that Jeb Bush supported CORPSE-FUCKING as Florida’s governor? REAL gross, Jeb, REAL gross. Or maybe it’s just that the American Family Association is a collective of underdeveloped prudes who find the naked human body itself to be “morbid.” Well, whatever. The AFA̵...

Sofia Vergara’s Ex, Sherri Shepherd, Fox Doc Keith Ablow Enter Jerk-Off Contest. All Win.

...Nick Loeb wants them” don’t you understand? (Loeb is a rich person, and is used to getting what the fuck he would like.) The Internet? It was aghast. Loeb and Vergara — incidentally, the highest paid woman in television — had a contract stipulating that both would have to agree as to whether to bring their Snowflake Children to term, and then they broke up. (Because he is a douche.) Vergara was like “hey we are broke...
  Florida Man's really done it this time

Let’s All Have Sex On The Beach, And Then Go To Prison Forever!

If this is a crime, then we're guilty!
Welcome to sunny Florida, NO FUCKING ALLOWED, at least not on the beach. Seems Florida Man has gone and gotten himself into trouble again, and he may do 15 years in the slammer, because he was so overcome by the romance of the waves and the long walks on the beach — you know, OKCupid stuff — that he popped wood and simply had to sex up his lady-friend right then and there. Meet Jose Caballero and Elissa Alvarez, convicted beach-bone...
  we give up the end

Florida Is Completely F*cked, The Legislative Edition! Your Florida Roundup.

...s and hucksters the state’s residents aren’t smart enough to vote out of office, no matter how badly they fuck them over. We’ll begin this edition of The Roundup with a look at the head-desk clusterfuck that is the Florida Legislature, which dominated the headlines in these here parts this week. The Florida Legislature, run by massive Republican majorities, didn’t make news for any particularly insane law they passed (though that happens qu...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says No Racists On $20 Bill, Let’s Stick With Andrew Jackson

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
...e? Can anyone tell the rest of the class what’s wrong with Sarah’s reasoning regarding Andrew Motherfucking Jackson here? To be fair (we keep telling you, we are nothing if not fair), Palin’s complaint is that Sanger supported eugenics — an understandably sensitive subject for the mother of a special-needs child — and you know what? Sarah Palin is right! [blacks out] [wakes up in puddle of own drool] No, seriously, Palin is righ...
  Stop laughing these idiots are really scared LOL

Hero Gov. Greg Abbott Will Stop Obama From Doing Martial Law And ISIS To Poor Texans

If you don't believe them, you've probably already been brainwashed.
...section of southern California are labeled as hostile territory, and New Mexico isn’t much friendlier. Who you fuckin’ callin’ hos-tile territory?! Residents of Bastrop County, Texas, part of the area where the exercise will be held, filled up the county’s commissioner court recently to express their sincere concerns: [US Army Lt. Col. Mark] Lastoria took a number of questions from people who suspect Jade Helm is something nefa...
  And you thought Bud Light couldn't be more disgusting.

People Seem To Think Bud Light Slogan Is Rapey, Just Because It’s Really Rapey

Oh, we get it, it's about date rape-type stuff! the show,” and “the perfect beer for tuning up the old air guitar,” because these guys are fucking HIP, dude. Oh, and there’s this new label, that’s totally about drinking so much that bitches won’t say no when you try to fuck them, and people don’t like it, huh. Reddit user GhosX9 posted a picture of the label, which reads “the perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for...
  Maybe THIS will work

Now Rand Paul Wants Congress To Find Dirt On Hillary Clinton For Him

On to Plan B. Or C. Or D. Or ...
...on, it’s the Clintons!” The one thing the book does prove is that Bill Clinton can charge a metric fuckton of money for giving speeches (he got half a million bucks for a single speech in Moscow), which has enabled the Clintons to make, well, a metric fuckton of money. That’s the sort of thing that is more likely to annoy the left (EAT THE RICH!), but last we heard, making money, even a metric fuckton of it, was not ...
  fuck the poors

Wisconsin Rep. Will Card Poors For Food At Their Separate And Unequal Welfare Groceries

When I was hungry, you said I needed to show 2 forms of ID to get food.
The Midwestern states sure do seem to be having a contest right now, over who can fuck the poors the baddest and the longest! Missouri gave it a shot, what with that dickhead rep who just wanted to make sure people receiving public assistance couldn’t waste it on seafood. But then Kansas totally took the lead, by passing a bill to ban poors from doing all kinds of things with their precious government-funded riches, like take Caribbean cr...
  boom flakkalaka flakkalaka flakkalaka flakka boom

Gyrocopters, Demons, And Squirrelly Motherf*ckers! Your Florida Roundup

Florida Man was fucking busy this week, you guys! Let’s dive right in. Meet Doug Hughes, Great American Hero. (Oh wait, you already have.) Mr. Doug is a dedicated public servant and self-proclaimed Showman Patriot, a 61-year-old mailman from Ruskin, Florida (no, we have no idea where that is), who decided to combat the scourge of excess campaign money (which is definitely A Thing That Deserves To Be Combatted) by hopping in his gyrocopter (A Th...
  but did he summon Beetlejuice?

Florida Appointee Utters ‘Climate Change’ Three Times In Succession, Summons Devil Himself

Did somebody say my name???
...wants, just like a teenager whose mom just dropped him off at the mall to smoke drugs with his friends. “Fuck fuck fuck! Climate change climate change climate change!” Reports vary as to whether Steverson’s utterance summoned Beetlejuice, the Bloody Virgin Mary or 97% of all living climate scientists, but we’re pretty sure whoever showed up slapped him across the face nice and hard. We’re also pretty sure he’s...
  my god my god why hast thou forsaken me

Bristol Palin Living In Sin For Third Or Eighteenth Time, For Abstinence

Bristol is definitely not pregnant in this picture
...erself to Medal of Honor soldierman Dakota Meyer. We love love! And my God, after watching (parts of) her truly fucking terrible reality show, we genuinely wished for Bristol a relationship with a man (or special lady!) who wasn’t a dumb fucking idiot. Well, shooty Murkin hero Meyer posted to his Instagramz that he and Palin are shacked up in Kentucky, even though they have not even had their sacred union blessed by any manner of Sky Daddy,...
  Fix yourself a drink and let's gossip!

It’s Sunday Funday, Let’s All Have Brunch And Gossip About The Week’s Top Stories!

Awww the poor thing, get him a benedict immediately. should go ahead and drop $5 in the collection plate, so that we can continue to report on Rand Paul’s fuckups. Starting tomorrow, it’s Marco Rubio week! Here comes the plate! Get your $5 bill ready!  Okay, that’s out of the way, so without further ado, here are your ten very favoritest stories of the week, as determined by Science. If you’ve already fapped to them, FAP AGAIN: 1. As you all know, Rand Paul announced his...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Rand Paul Is A Genius, You Morons!

To the editors: I liked the old library better.
...dly said to Norman Mailer, “Oh, so you’re the young man that doesn’t know how to spell ‘fuck.'” Just a note to trolls: You can say “fuck” here, you delicate things. Just not for long. But it won’t be the fuck-word that wins you a tap from the Banhammer of Loving Correction. And also from the same drawer, there’s this, from “JD 101,” on Rand Paul’s Terrible Horrible Totally ...
  this week’s column basically wrote itself

Who Forgot To Close The F*cking Sunroof?: Your Florida Roundup

just bearing my arms, bro
...lace on Earth where — on baseball’s Opening Day — you can have a rain delay in a stadium that has a fucking roof: Congratulations to the Miami Marlins on finding a way to stop their first game of the season with a rain delay, despite having a stadium with a roof. They are pioneers. Pioneers who didn’t close their roof. Better yet: Because this is a stadium with a fucking roof, the grounds crew really had no equipment to deal with a dr...