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Here is what most people know about Indian American governor Nikki Haley: she is the only human on Earth rumored to ever have sex with a political blogger, and she is the only minority female human on Earth ever to be the unfortunate ruler of South Carolina. What is a lesser-known fact about Haley is [...]
Teen sensation Newt Gingrich has just won something called a “Twitter primary,” which is a presidential race that only exists on Twitter, but doesn’t really exist at all. So congratulations, Newt Gingrich, for being President of Twitter, which is not a real thing. How did Newton achieve this incredible victory, when he is so completely [...]
One of our best and most freedom-loving American rules says that rape is only a crime when it happens to good people. And since it apparently turns out that the hotel housekeeper who accused noted sleazeball Dominique Strauss-Kahn of raping her is one of the Bad People, a judge freed the former IMF chief from [...]
WHOOPS: Georgia’s legal promise to crucify any illegal immigrants it could get its hands on did, in fact, have the intended effect of scaring away the state’s undocumented workers. So, lo and behold, there are no workers left to harvest all of the state’s crops. Is America ready for forced labor again? Maybe this will solve the obesity [...]
What do we always know about America’s myriad unsolved problems? They are the fault of the illegalz. Recently, the illegalz have been trying to burn down all of Arizona with their chronic pyromaniac ruthlessness, according to senior desert wildfire detective Sen. John McCain. Asked by reporters at a press conference, “what’s the deal and how [...]
Sarah Palin made a dumb campaign video called “American Foundations” about her bus tour, even though she says she was not on a campaign tour. But the video ends with a title card for her PAC, so it is pretty much a video campaigning for money for Sarah Palin. The edit is a mix of [...]
Tonight, American history is made: it is the first time there in American history that there is no chance American history will be made. THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE DEBATING. Well, five of them are. And not even any of the “good” ones, who, if you’re keeping score at home, are mediocre at best. And [...]
Last night, Americans heard the news about Osama bin Laden and flocked to the site where the World Trade Center once stood. And they arrived on this hallowed ground, they held up signs, tried to get themselves on teevee, and yelled celebratory chants, including “SEND THEM HOME.” But most of all, these people got drunk. [...]
Hi friends! Just checking in to let you know that undocumented immigrants paid an estimated $11.2 billion in local taxes last year — that’s $11.2 billion more than G.E. forked over, even though General Electric is a documented corporation that makes billions and billions of dollars! (Gawd it must be so sexy being a gelatinous [...]
As governor of Minnesota, Tim Pawlenty did something highly suspect: He promoted minority homeownership. “But owning your home is a white-people thing,” you say. “Because that’s how things were in the house I grew up in, back in the 1950s, where my dad beat my mother until every inch of her was bruised and then [...]
Hey, George W. Bush found some people willing to spend time to listen to him. He thinks immigration reform will happen, even though all Mexicans want to come here to sell drugs and gay-marry each other for the government health benefits. But why does Bush want this to happen? He thinks the country is getting [...]
Why does Michele Bachmann like the history of the founding fathers so much? Because, apparently, you can just make it up as you go along! Listen ye children as we do a “close read” of this speech and discover the many amazing improvised historical facts Michele Bachmann made up for us.
