Search Results for “shit/bydate”

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Knows Democrats Are Causing California’s Drought

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
...ive to Scotland and Bermuda do not thrive in California’s Mediterranean climate unless you pump in metric shit-tons of water. Literal metric shit-tons of water, you guys. Nearby Palm Springs is even worse. Home to 124 golf courses, the Palm Springs region receives about three inches of rain annually, and almost all of the water used to irrigate those 124 courses comes from other parts of the state. This is not a commie pinko talking point;...
  Nice time! Kind of!

Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!

Ooh nice squad car, where'd ya get it???
...ocratic governor up there, Steve Bullock, has signed a law, HB 463, that says you can’t be doing all that shit anymore: Montana’s HB 463 does away with the most controversial aspects of civil asset forfeiture, requiring police to convict a property owner of a crime before going through permanent forfeiture proceedings. The law also raises the legal threshold for forfeiture in the event of a conviction, requiring police to present R...
  That There's Some Bullshit

Wyoming Won’t Have You Going Around Taking Pictures Of Their Cow Sh*t Infested E. Coli Rivers

OK, sure, this photo is from New Jersey. But it's cows in a stream. There's your disclaimer. Freakin' PolitiFact. of giving data to a state or federal regulatory agency. Excuse us, please, but WUT? Oh. It’s about cow shit. Lots and lots of cow shit that has led to dangerously high levels of e. coli bacteria in Wyoming streams and rivers. Please sciencesplain this to us, Justin Pidot at Slate: The state wants to conceal the fact that many of its streams are contaminated by E. coli bacteria, strains of which can cause serious health problems, even dea...
  Now Wi-Fi Free!

The Snake Oil Bulletin: The Food Babe Gets Her Revenge! (No, She Doesn’t.)

...terview with Al Jazeera America, Vani Hari faced a withering series of questions such as “Are you full of shit or just full of LOTS of shit?” only, y’know, said more journalistically than that. When asked about her tendency toward sensationalism, fear-mongering, and click-bait headlines, Hari only responded, “my methods are effective.” No one doubts that! The effectiveness of breathless bullshit is the only ...
  Good plan or GREAT plan?

Jeb Bush Unveils Presidential Cabinet, Everyone In It Is George W. Bush

He's with stupid
...why he has said “you won’t see me” during the 2016 presidential election. Because his name is shit, his legacy is shit, his own party has distanced itself from him for years, not inviting him to conventions and insisting he was never really one of them anyway. But there’s one Republican who thinks saying GEORGE W. BUSH is a winning strategy. You’ll never guess who it is! After spending months distancing himself from...

Watch This Dumb Duggar Say A Bunch Of Stupid Sh*t About Gay Marriage

...ans who were already here, our white land-owning founding bros stoled some Africans to build this country based on respect and tolerance and shit fucking shit, Josh Duggar, your family has a TV show, so no, no one is silencing you at all, even though that would be an awesome thing because UGHHHHHHHHH. And that is why reality shows are bad, the Duggars are the worst, bigots are terrible, and don’t homeschool your kids, the end. [Rawstory]...
  Stop laughing these idiots are really scared LOL

Hero Gov. Greg Abbott Will Stop Obama From Doing Martial Law And ISIS To Poor Texans

If you don't believe them, you've probably already been brainwashed.
...ed by ISIS, who is currently hiding behind some brush just over yonder, on the Mexican banks of the Rio Grande. Shit yer pants and oil yer guns, y’all, it’s time for a revolution! If you are not one of the people we were just addressing above, here is a thing that is happening! Gov. Greg Abbott has ordered the Texas State Guard — NOT the National Guard, the State Guard, which is different — to keep an eye out on a planned...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: You Sheepy Sheeple Are Such Sheep!

To The Management: Please correct this image. I would never use Courier. On second thought, never mind. You'd just replace it with Comic Sans.
We have a Very Special Men And Women of Few Words edition of Dear ShitFerBrains for you today, because due to some odd alignment of the planets this week, we didn’t receive a single long, painful screed that ranged over everything from Benghazi to water fluoridation. Just a lot of staccato bursts of derp. And so the question must be asked: Is our trolls learning? Hahahaha, who are we kidding, of course not (As always, all spelling, spacin...
  Teabagger Nice Time

Even This Cuddly Teabagger Dude Might Vote For Hillary, So He Can Keep His Beloved Obamacare

Obamacare yay, gay sprinkles in mah coffee BOO.
...0; oh you get the idea.) So, James Webb is looking back and going HUH, those Republicans haven’t done jackshit for me over the last 20 years, have they? Nope, Mr. Webb, we’re pretty sure they have not. Webb ends his video by saying that, unless Republicans change (they will not), he’s probably going to have to “swing [his] vote over to Hillary.” Yeah! Webb also has ANOTHER Obamacare video, from a few weeks back, wher...
  Usually Kaili is mad about a thing but it's MY TURN BITCHEZ

Walmart Withholds Medicine From Lady Who Miscarried, Because She’s Probably A Sinner

Everyone woman should have babies except not of those times in life, we imagine (as we are a dude), that you really don’t want to deal with any bullshit, just a guess? So you go to the doctor, and he gives you a prescription for Misoprostol, which will help your body pass the tissue, instead of having to go through an invasive, unpleasant procedure to extract it. Doc calls your scrip in to the friendly neighborhood Walmart, but the pharmacist refuses to fill it, because Sincerely H...
  That's Not Enlightenment!

Oh Yay Buddhist Yoga Dudes Can Be Rapey Mens Rights Activists Too!

If you meet the Buddha in the road, bro-fist him say no.” See, rape crisis centers? PROBLEM FUCKING SOLVED ALREADY. Just get all Nancy Reagan with that shit! Feminism doesn’t mean what you think it means: “I think on some level it’s almost not feminist to say ‘Well, these young women were taken advantage of,'” says Waylon. Ladies, stop disempowering yourselves! Pick yourself up by your own yoga pants already! Make sure you report that you’re being sexually pressured/h...
  Tucker Carlson is gonna FREAK OUT

Trans People To Rampage Through White House ‘Gender Neutral’ Potty. Hide Your Kids!

Relax, Tucker. You can do this. Just think of waterfalls.
...Carlson’s predicament in further detail, we should acknowledge that Phyllis Schlafly is going to lose her shit over this too. If you’ll remember, Mother Schlafly INVENTED bathroom panic, with her decade-long opposition to the simple and harmless Equal Rights Amendment (ERA) in the 1970’s. As the New York Times explains, what was once an easy sell — “Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by...
  businesslady jobcreating entrepreneurin'

Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
...Daily Kos. And she’s been awesome and does our job real good like! Then we hired Shypixel to fix all our shitty ads and broken browsers and BROKEN HEART AND BROKEN WOMB, which he did. With his penis. So that’s four, counting me, whom you should count, because even though you do not see my byline ever because I am seven months pregnant and all out of “words” and “jokes” and “thoughts about stuff and thing...
  George Stephanopoulos's questions have a well known liberal bias

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand

I am a deeply stupid man, I am the biggest idiot, I am the worst governor of any of the states, and that is saying something.
...e a reacharound when he signed the law: Pence’s Argument About Every Other State Having These Laws Is Bullshit Pence’s argument that these laws have been around for 20 years, and that therefore Indiana is no different, is worth addressing. Josh Marshall explains at Talking Points Memo that there are two big differences here. For one thing, these laws didn’t used to so explicitly target gay people. Secondly, anti-gay stuff that f...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
...failed to take the city of Kobani, and they failed in large part because President Mom Jeans bombed the living shit out of them. ISIS has been driven out of Tikrit, with a few remaining defenders cut off and encircled near the Tigris River. The group’s revenue streams have been decimated, and their fighting formations are beginning to experience desertion among the rank-and-file. “Damn the factual torpedoes!” Palin screamed int...

The Snake Oil Bulletin: I See Bullsh*t in Your Future health, wealth, and salvation if only you’ll give them your money. We’ve got a full pan of bullshit to sift through if we’re going to find that gold nugget of hilarity, so let’s waste no time and get right down to it. German Anti-Vaxxer’s Mouth Writes Check His Ass Can’t Cash To start us down our Schadenfreude slip ‘n slide, we have an anti-vaxxer getting his just desserts, namely a €100,000 bill. St...
  a florida man you can drink!

Watch Us Get Nekkid In Church and Dunkin Donuts: Your Florida Roundup

Now you drink all the Florida Man you want forward, Yr Wonkette would be happy to buy him a beer. Here Is The Part Where God Makes Florida Man Do Weird Shit Item 1: Man tells police God told him to vandalize costume store Andre Yokers, 42, is now in custody. He’s believed to be behind a series of attacks against the business over the past few weeks. What was once thought to be a group of mischievous teenagers, now shown to be a grown man working alone. Perhaps more shocking is what sto...
  you got servered

Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t

...ver seen Hillary Clinton be loose, and funny, and roll her eyes a little (in a perfect way) about this dumb bullshit she has to deal with because YOU PEOPLE are freaking CRAZY, but she’s a professional so deal with it she will? Look, here she is reminding people that the GOP Senate is just a spiderhole full of terrorists! Wasn’t that fun? It was! And here she is, Hillzsplaining why she used a private email: First, someone prepped her...
  Stop dick-checking everybody in the bathroom TUCKER

Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?

...R! And making jokes about Our Enemies is probably a bad idea, he thinks. Know what Tucker woulda done? Beat the shit out of another gay dude in the bathroom? No, but he thinks it would be great if SNL beat the shit out of the transgenders, for the way they’re always using everyone else’s potty: “The question is, should we be mocking ISIS?” […] “I’m kind of for comedy that goes as far as it can,” Carlson said. “But I always feel...
  the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit

Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire

...ere, as the big day was in the middle of last week. We have just been so busy writing about all the insane horseshit you teabaggers have unleashed on our politics that we forgot to stop for a minute and appreciate the six years of joy you have brought us, with your whining and hollering and dressing up in leftover costumes from our first-grade play about the Founding Fathers. Really, do you still think knee britches are a good look for you? They...
  Tell Me Your Dreams

Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t

Wrong Kirk? Whatever.
...rity for the rest of the year, Kirk told reporters, “Hopefully we’re gonna end the attaching of bullshit to essential items of the government.” Haha, good one. We understand that a rich fantasy life is important, but let’s not get too wacky, Senator. The House is still struggling with whether to take up a clean funding bill for 2015, a three-week extension so we can continue the bullshit a while longer, or perhaps a bill j...