Search Results for “shit/bydate”

  businesslady jobcreating entrepreneurin'

Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
...Daily Kos. And she’s been awesome and does our job real good like! Then we hired Shypixel to fix all our shitty ads and broken browsers and BROKEN HEART AND BROKEN WOMB, which he did. With his penis. So that’s four, counting me, whom you should count, because even though you do not see my byline ever because I am seven months pregnant and all out of “words” and “jokes” and “thoughts about stuff and thin...
  George Stephanopoulos's questions have a well known liberal bias

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand

I am a deeply stupid man, I am the biggest idiot, I am the worst governor of any of the states, and that is saying something.
...a reacharound when he signed the law: Pence’s Argument About Every Other State Having These Laws Is Bullshit Pence’s argument that these laws have been around for 20 years, and that therefore Indiana is no different, is worth addressing. Josh Marshall explains at Talking Points Memo that there are two big differences here. For one thing, these laws didn’t used to so explicitly target gay people. Secondly, anti-gay stuff that f...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
...failed to take the city of Kobani, and they failed in large part because President Mom Jeans bombed the living shit out of them. ISIS has been driven out of Tikrit, with a few remaining defenders cut off and encircled near the Tigris River. The group’s revenue streams have been decimated, and their fighting formations are beginning to experience desertion among the rank-and-file. “Damn the factual torpedoes!” Palin screamed int...

The Snake Oil Bulletin: I See Bullsh*t in Your Future health, wealth, and salvation if only you’ll give them your money. We’ve got a full pan of bullshit to sift through if we’re going to find that gold nugget of hilarity, so let’s waste no time and get right down to it. German Anti-Vaxxer’s Mouth Writes Check His Ass Can’t Cash To start us down our Schadenfreude slip ‘n slide, we have an anti-vaxxer getting his just desserts, namely a €100,000 bill. St...
  a florida man you can drink!

Watch Us Get Nekkid In Church and Dunkin Donuts: Your Florida Roundup

Now you drink all the Florida Man you want forward, Yr Wonkette would be happy to buy him a beer. Here Is The Part Where God Makes Florida Man Do Weird Shit Item 1: Man tells police God told him to vandalize costume store Andre Yokers, 42, is now in custody. He’s believed to be behind a series of attacks against the business over the past few weeks. What was once thought to be a group of mischievous teenagers, now shown to be a grown man working alone. Perhaps more shocking is what sto...
  you got servered

Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t

...ver seen Hillary Clinton be loose, and funny, and roll her eyes a little (in a perfect way) about this dumb bullshit she has to deal with because YOU PEOPLE are freaking CRAZY, but she’s a professional so deal with it she will? Look, here she is reminding people that the GOP Senate is just a spiderhole full of terrorists! Wasn’t that fun? It was! And here she is, Hillzsplaining why she used a private email: First, someone prepped...
  Stop dick-checking everybody in the bathroom TUCKER

Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?

...R! And making jokes about Our Enemies is probably a bad idea, he thinks. Know what Tucker woulda done? Beat the shit out of another gay dude in the bathroom? No, but he thinks it would be great if SNL beat the shit out of the transgenders, for the way they’re always using everyone else’s potty: “The question is, should we be mocking ISIS?” […] “I’m kind of for comedy that goes as far as it can,” Carlson said. “But I always fee...
  the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit

Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire

...ere, as the big day was in the middle of last week. We have just been so busy writing about all the insane horseshit you teabaggers have unleashed on our politics that we forgot to stop for a minute and appreciate the six years of joy you have brought us, with your whining and hollering and dressing up in leftover costumes from our first-grade play about the Founding Fathers. Really, do you still think knee britches are a good look for you? They...
  Tell Me Your Dreams

Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t

Wrong Kirk? Whatever.
...rity for the rest of the year, Kirk told reporters, “Hopefully we’re gonna end the attaching of bullshit to essential items of the government.” Haha, good one. We understand that a rich fantasy life is important, but let’s not get too wacky, Senator. The House is still struggling with whether to take up a clean funding bill for 2015, a three-week extension so we can continue the bullshit a while longer, or perhaps a bill j...
  Nice time though not for Republicans

Magic Ladyparts Expert Todd Akin Would Like To Try For Senator Again, Yesssssss!

Please come back and keep talking!
...t,” commonly used among Republicans of the consultant variety to remind GOP dudes not to say super stupid shit about rape because for some strange reason, lady voters don’t like that. Strange! Akin has never stopped believing he was right all along. Immediately after having his ass gift-wrapped and personally delivered to his home in that 2012 election, he started explaining why Republicans are a bunch of loser idiots for not running...
  a state without a mexican

TripAdvisor Reviews From Your Racist Uncle

...iscussion, not the purpose of pitchforks. Your editrix — me — truly, truly believes that even weird shitty people shouldn’t be hounded for their weird shitty beliefs, and that internet pile-ons are awful, illiberal, fascist and Thought Crimey. I have had many discussions on this with youngs on Twitter, who said flat out that sexist or racist speech should be actually outlawed. If you’re going to be a dick and dox these peo...
  anything less than grand theft is a felony

Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly we love precious preborn children and the walking uteruses that house them, in fact. So when some redneck dipshit from Brooksville — we’ve been there, so we feel perfectly comfortable describing this man, sight unseen, as a redneck dipshit — named William DeHayes took out an antique revolver and began twirling it around his finger like a cowboy in a Western — har har lookatme! — and the gun went off and killed a pregnant lady and her five-mont...
  Exploding Foamy Pig Doots II: Electric Poopaloo

Mean Enviros Won’t Let Tenn. State Rep. Throw Pig Carcasses All Over The Place, Except They Did

Have you seen the little piggies in their starched white shirts?
...ig Doots,” shall we? Except there’s no exploding, and the foaming is mostly just a froth of pure pigshit coming from Tennessee state Rep. Andy Holt, who is quite certain that no sir his hog farm did NOT get any special treatment from regulators, even though he operated for years without a permit, left hog carcasses lying around unburied, and pumped half a million gallons of hogshit into a creek near his farm. In fact, Holt regularly...
  Another oppressor oppressed

Washington Judge To Florist: ‘Relationship With Jesus’ Not Good Reason For Being A Bigot

Flowers for gays available, just not gay weddings
...tics until you’re blue in the face, but the U.S. American justice system doesn’t recognize your bullshit as in any way valid. In case that one doesn’t work (and it doesn’t), Stutzman has another really creative — some might even say artistic — defense of why she didn’t want to make gay flower arrangements. Defendants argue that the act of arranging flowers is inherently artistic and expressive and thus pr...
  sure fine whatever

Texas Gun Fanatics Only Did A Few Crimes, What’s The Big Deal?

More guns just means more freedom
...e it is! But it might be something else, too. Something having to do with philosophy, maybe? Some real Socrates shit, like. You know, meatpsychics. Also, let’s bear in mind that apart from that lady that killed her whole family, the Bundy Ranch couple who shot up Vegas, that Oklahoma guy who shot the chief of police, and many other recent cases, there’s no evidence that gun rights extremists are especially prone to violence. Here̵...
  how a bill doesn't become a law

How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)

...a slow news day, that when we are aggregating something, we actually go to the source and see if it’s bullshit first before we uncritically pass it along? Maybe read the actual bill? A few liberal sites — who used to be known for good, and intellectual honesty — are now so notorious for headlines that aren’t borne out by the stories below them, that when we read them, we warn each other, “_____’s headline says...

Gun Rights Fools Behave Foolishly Again, Aren’t You Just Floored?

More guns just means more freedom
...igerent, threatening jerks. And then there’s the ever-hilarious social media John Waynes who say horrible shit that they wholeheartedly believe, then delete it when someone points out what a lunatic they’re being. Today, we have for you a couple of fine examples of the latter two types. First, let’s have a chuckle at the Washington State gun weirdos who tried and failed to get arrested for carrying guns into the state Capitol bu...
  Excuse me while I fanboy

The Snake Oil Bulletin: You Want To Read About ‘The Amazing Randi,’ The Greatest Woo-Fighter

Fresh out of butt jokes this week. of related woo woo. This dude is a certifiable old school gangsta, and is responsible for exposing more horseshit than the stable boy at the Kentucky Derby. Randi began his career as a stage magician and professional illusionist (or in his far more eloquent words, “conjuror”) during his tender youth in the ’40s. For decades he was known for sleight-of-hand and rather daring escape tricks, but also stood out among his peers fo...
  wonkette would never report this if he were a democrat

Jerk-Off Democrat Who Boned Medicaid Is Your State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of 2014!

Congratulations, buddy, the medal's in the mail can be a mixed blessing. Take Virginia. The commonwealth’s been punching above its weight class in the shitmuffin state division: the 2014 Shitmuffin of the Year and the runner-up are from Virginia. And of course Wonkette conspired with the rest of the liberal media to hush up their shenanigans, since they are both Democrats. Runner-Up/Shitmuffin-in-Waiting: still-Virginia state delegate Joseph Dee Morrissey (D-Henrico) Del. ...
  winning the war on coal

2014 Was A Pretty Great Year For The Environment. Really!

The Garden of Earthly Delights by ExxonMobil
...ed Blogging Chair For Something Nice For Once At first it looked like 2014 was going to be more of the same bullshit. On Jan. 9, a chemical spill in West Virginia’s Elk River contaminated the drinking water of some 16 percent of the state’s population. Freedom Industries, the company responsible, was soon revealed to be a malodorous pit of corruption and grabassery that seemed almost too stupid to be real. Meanwhile, bigger picture, m...
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
...mptly ignored because Newsweek magazine didn’t actually exist at the time and besides, bitches always be saying shit, amirite? And so rape culture turned its attention to the U.S. military, which good Americans love even more than Bill Cosby, so we promptly ignored the hell out of those allegations as well, except maybe to chuckle at the irony of the Army’s top prosecutor for sexual assault getting accused of sexual assault at a conference on sex...
  Sports! Sports Sports Sports!

Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!

Sad Brazil fan is sad.
...nfair To Racists! The Los Angeles Clippers — a professional bouncy-hoops team — was owned by racist shitbag Donald Sterling for a couple decades. That changed this year, when a woman named V. Stiviano escaped from the post-modernist novel in which she was born and secretly recorded Sterling says all kinds of racist stuff. Sterling insisted that his words had been twisted, that some of his favorite caddies and waiters have been The Bla...