Search Results for “shit/bydate”

  Tell Me Your Dreams

Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t

Wrong Kirk? Whatever.
...rity for the rest of the year, Kirk told reporters, “Hopefully we’re gonna end the attaching of bullshit to essential items of the government.” Haha, good one. We understand that a rich fantasy life is important, but let’s not get too wacky, Senator. The House is still struggling with whether to take up a clean funding bill for 2015, a three-week extension so we can continue the bullshit a while longer, or perhaps a bill j...
  Nice time though not for Republicans

Magic Ladyparts Expert Todd Akin Would Like To Try For Senator Again, Yesssssss!

Please come back and keep talking!
...t,” commonly used among Republicans of the consultant variety to remind GOP dudes not to say super stupid shit about rape because for some strange reason, lady voters don’t like that. Strange! Akin has never stopped believing he was right all along. Immediately after having his ass gift-wrapped and personally delivered to his home in that 2012 election, he started explaining why Republicans are a bunch of loser idiots for not running...
  a state without a mexican

TripAdvisor Reviews From Your Racist Uncle

...iscussion, not the purpose of pitchforks. Your editrix — me — truly, truly believes that even weird shitty people shouldn’t be hounded for their weird shitty beliefs, and that internet pile-ons are awful, illiberal, fascist and Thought Crimey. I have had many discussions on this with youngs on Twitter, who said flat out that sexist or racist speech should be actually outlawed. If you’re going to be a dick and dox these peo...
  anything less than grand theft is a felony

Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
...an we love precious preborn children and the walking uteruses that house them, in fact. So when some redneck dipshit from Brooksville — we’ve been there, so we feel perfectly comfortable describing this man, sight unseen, as a redneck dipshit — named William DeHayes took out an antique revolver and began twirling it around his finger like a cowboy in a Western — har har lookatme! — and the gun went off and killed a pregnant lady and her five-mont...
  Exploding Foamy Pig Doots II: Electric Poopaloo

Mean Enviros Won’t Let Tenn. State Rep. Throw Pig Carcasses All Over The Place, Except They Did

Have you seen the little piggies in their starched white shirts?
...ig Doots,” shall we? Except there’s no exploding, and the foaming is mostly just a froth of pure pigshit coming from Tennessee state Rep. Andy Holt, who is quite certain that no sir his hog farm did NOT get any special treatment from regulators, even though he operated for years without a permit, left hog carcasses lying around unburied, and pumped half a million gallons of hogshit into a creek near his farm. In fact, Holt regularly...
  Another oppressor oppressed

Washington Judge To Florist: ‘Relationship With Jesus’ Not Good Reason For Being A Bigot

Flowers for gays available, just not gay weddings
...tics until you’re blue in the face, but the U.S. American justice system doesn’t recognize your bullshit as in any way valid. In case that one doesn’t work (and it doesn’t), Stutzman has another really creative — some might even say artistic — defense of why she didn’t want to make gay flower arrangements. Defendants argue that the act of arranging flowers is inherently artistic and expressive and thus pr...
  sure fine whatever

Texas Gun Fanatics Only Did A Few Crimes, What’s The Big Deal?

More guns just means more freedom
...e it is! But it might be something else, too. Something having to do with philosophy, maybe? Some real Socrates shit, like. You know, meatpsychics. Also, let’s bear in mind that apart from that lady that killed her whole family, the Bundy Ranch couple who shot up Vegas, that Oklahoma guy who shot the chief of police, and many other recent cases, there’s no evidence that gun rights extremists are especially prone to violence. Here̵...
  how a bill doesn't become a law

How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)

...a slow news day, that when we are aggregating something, we actually go to the source and see if it’s bullshit first before we uncritically pass it along? Maybe read the actual bill? A few liberal sites — who used to be known for good, and intellectual honesty — are now so notorious for headlines that aren’t borne out by the stories below them, that when we read them, we warn each other, “_____’s headline says...
  Self-Inflicted

Gun Rights Fools Behave Foolishly Again, Aren’t You Just Floored?

More guns just means more freedom
...igerent, threatening jerks. And then there’s the ever-hilarious social media John Waynes who say horrible shit that they wholeheartedly believe, then delete it when someone points out what a lunatic they’re being. Today, we have for you a couple of fine examples of the latter two types. First, let’s have a chuckle at the Washington State gun weirdos who tried and failed to get arrested for carrying guns into the state Capitol bu...
  Excuse me while I fanboy

The Snake Oil Bulletin: You Want To Read About ‘The Amazing Randi,’ The Greatest Woo-Fighter

Fresh out of butt jokes this week.
...er of related woo woo. This dude is a certifiable old school gangsta, and is responsible for exposing more horseshit than the stable boy at the Kentucky Derby. Randi began his career as a stage magician and professional illusionist (or in his far more eloquent words, “conjuror”) during his tender youth in the ’40s. For decades he was known for sleight-of-hand and rather daring escape tricks, but also stood out among his peers fo...
  Thanks Texas

Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change

Behold! He stands before us!
...It was also the year when Cruz made his first successful title defense of Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award (National Division). How else did Ted save the soul of America this year? Let’s Wonksplore! Last year, Cruz made national headlines by missing the point of Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor. His inability to grasp the moral of a children’s book helped engineer a federal government shutdown t...
  wonkette would never report this if he were a democrat

Jerk-Off Democrat Who Boned Medicaid Is Your State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of 2014!

Congratulations, buddy, the medal's in the mail
...rs can be a mixed blessing. Take Virginia. The commonwealth’s been punching above its weight class in the shitmuffin state division: the 2014 Shitmuffin of the Year and the runner-up are from Virginia. And of course Wonkette conspired with the rest of the liberal media to hush up their shenanigans, since they are both Democrats. Runner-Up/Shitmuffin-in-Waiting: still-Virginia state delegate Joseph Dee Morrissey (D-Henrico) Del. ...
  winning the war on coal

2014 Was A Pretty Great Year For The Environment. Really!

The Garden of Earthly Delights by ExxonMobil
...ed Blogging Chair For Something Nice For Once At first it looked like 2014 was going to be more of the same bullshit. On Jan. 9, a chemical spill in West Virginia’s Elk River contaminated the drinking water of some 16 percent of the state’s population. Freedom Industries, the company responsible, was soon revealed to be a malodorous pit of corruption and grabassery that seemed almost too stupid to be real. Meanwhile, bigger picture, m...
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
...mptly ignored because Newsweek magazine didn’t actually exist at the time and besides, bitches always be saying shit, amirite? And so rape culture turned its attention to the U.S. military, which good Americans love even more than Bill Cosby, so we promptly ignored the hell out of those allegations as well, except maybe to chuckle at the irony of the Army’s top prosecutor for sexual assault getting accused of sexual assault at a conference on sex...
  Sports! Sports Sports Sports!

Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!

Sad Brazil fan is sad.
...nfair To Racists! The Los Angeles Clippers — a professional bouncy-hoops team — was owned by racist shitbag Donald Sterling for a couple decades. That changed this year, when a woman named V. Stiviano escaped from the post-modernist novel in which she was born and secretly recorded Sterling says all kinds of racist stuff. Sterling insisted that his words had been twisted, that some of his favorite caddies and waiters have been The Bla...
  outstanding achievements in shitmuffinry

Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!

...It’s that time of year again, Wonketeers! We’re gathering nominations for our coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Competition for 2014 honors in both national and state divisions has been fierce and we want to be sure we don’t overlook any worthy nominees, particularly among those who ply their trade in the state capitol buildings across our great nation. Don’t get us wrong, it’s been a busy year for...
  media circus

Inside The Collapse Of The New Yorker’s Inside The Collapse Of The New Republic

...in Foer was elevated to editor in 2012 under Chris Hughes, when Hughes fired the last guy, who sounds like a dipshit. (If you need some sort of “evidence” for that, he now runs National Journal, where he continues to employ Ron Fournier as “editorial director.”) There were no mass resignations when Hughes fired Richard Just and installed Foer in his place. Just had engineered the sale of TNR to Hughes, but then started fre...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Don’t You People Cover The Important Stories?

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the poor quality of the .gifs on this mommyblog!
...220;gets” Wonkette: One dead brat. Two brats traumatized for life. And one stupid gun nut jackass feeling shity in the piggy pen. This shit makes me laugh so hard. I love it when this shit happens. You peace of shit pro second amendment gun enthusiast are an endless form of entertainment. (The “two brats traumatized for life” are presumably the dead boy’s siblings, who weren’t there.) You ...
  you're fired

Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks

...k over American Catholics with the gall to be liberals, and no say on how any of the world’s Catholics do shit? Okay, we guess we will take it. So who is Cardinal Raymond Burke, and why do we hate that fucking guy? Well, your first clue is he was created cardinal by Pope Ratzi, the Nazi Pope, and that guy was the worst. How did Burke so endear himself to the shithead wing of the Church that he was created cardinal? By loudly blustering that...
  good morning good morning good morning to you

GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?

...remedies for you. (For what it’s worth, she kept — presumably drunkenly — posting pictures of shit sandwiches in the secret chatcave last night, and we did not let her post them at you. You’re welcome!) Well, some of us woke up reasonably chipper, because while you were busy throwing plates of chicken and dumplings at your snazzy Walmart flatscreen, we were off having an ultrasound! Of a babby! And guess what you guys, it...
  Only Ten Million Votes Short Of A Heartbeat Away

Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh

Can't be too careful
...don’t give a fuck if their name’s Palin, or fuckin’ Obama, ’cause they don’t mean shit to me… And I think I might wanna press charges on Bristol Palin, so bring one of your officers the fuck up here […] Klingenmeyer: Are you the sergeant here? Officer: No, that’s sergeant Gay (?). Klingenmeyer: I wanna talk to the head nigger in charge… I don’t need this from… I’m here to hav...
  pretend i'm dead

Cool Conserva-Ladies: Stop Pretending You Got Roofied, You Ignorant Slut

Photo courtesy Hundred Acre Wood P.D.
...block? Sure thing, sounds nice! But then, whoops, I ended up in the park bathroom for an hour while I puked and shit and shit and puked, and when I came out the guy who had walked me there was gone. That’s a bummer! Then I went back to the hotel, passed out for a few hours, begged the desk clerk to call me an ambulance as I was very, very ill, eventually got my own cab since she wouldn’t, and the ER doctor would not test me for roofie...