Search Results for “shit/bydate”

  Thanks Texas

Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change

Behold! He stands before us!
...It was also the year when Cruz made his first successful title defense of Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award (National Division). How else did Ted save the soul of America this year? Let’s Wonksplore! Last year, Cruz made national headlines by missing the point of Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor. His inability to grasp the moral of a children’s book helped engineer a federal government shutdown t...
  wonkette would never report this if he were a democrat

Jerk-Off Democrat Who Boned Medicaid Is Your State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of 2014!

Congratulations, buddy, the medal's in the mail can be a mixed blessing. Take Virginia. The commonwealth’s been punching above its weight class in the shitmuffin state division: the 2014 Shitmuffin of the Year and the runner-up are from Virginia. And of course Wonkette conspired with the rest of the liberal media to hush up their shenanigans, since they are both Democrats. Runner-Up/Shitmuffin-in-Waiting: still-Virginia state delegate Joseph Dee Morrissey (D-Henrico) Del. ...
  winning the war on coal

2014 Was A Pretty Great Year For The Environment. Really!

The Garden of Earthly Delights by ExxonMobil
...ed Blogging Chair For Something Nice For Once At first it looked like 2014 was going to be more of the same bullshit. On Jan. 9, a chemical spill in West Virginia’s Elk River contaminated the drinking water of some 16 percent of the state’s population. Freedom Industries, the company responsible, was soon revealed to be a malodorous pit of corruption and grabassery that seemed almost too stupid to be real. Meanwhile, bigger picture, m...
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
...mptly ignored because Newsweek magazine didn’t actually exist at the time and besides, bitches always be saying shit, amirite? And so rape culture turned its attention to the U.S. military, which good Americans love even more than Bill Cosby, so we promptly ignored the hell out of those allegations as well, except maybe to chuckle at the irony of the Army’s top prosecutor for sexual assault getting accused of sexual assault at a conference on sex...
  Sports! Sports Sports Sports!

Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!

Sad Brazil fan is sad.
...nfair To Racists! The Los Angeles Clippers — a professional bouncy-hoops team — was owned by racist shitbag Donald Sterling for a couple decades. That changed this year, when a woman named V. Stiviano escaped from the post-modernist novel in which she was born and secretly recorded Sterling says all kinds of racist stuff. Sterling insisted that his words had been twisted, that some of his favorite caddies and waiters have been The Bla...
  outstanding achievements in shitmuffinry

Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!

...It’s that time of year again, Wonketeers! We’re gathering nominations for our coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Competition for 2014 honors in both national and state divisions has been fierce and we want to be sure we don’t overlook any worthy nominees, particularly among those who ply their trade in the state capitol buildings across our great nation. Don’t get us wrong, it’s been a busy year for...
  media circus

Inside The Collapse Of The New Yorker’s Inside The Collapse Of The New Republic Foer was elevated to editor in 2012 under Chris Hughes, when Hughes fired the last guy, who sounds like a dipshit. (If you need some sort of “evidence” for that, he now runs National Journal, where he continues to employ Ron Fournier as “editorial director.”) There were no mass resignations when Hughes fired Richard Just and installed Foer in his place. Just had engineered the sale of TNR to Hughes, but then started fre...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Don’t You People Cover The Important Stories?

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the poor quality of the .gifs on this mommyblog!
...220;gets” Wonkette: One dead brat. Two brats traumatized for life. And one stupid gun nut jackass feeling shity in the piggy pen. This shit makes me laugh so hard. I love it when this shit happens. You peace of shit pro second amendment gun enthusiast are an endless form of entertainment. (The “two brats traumatized for life” are presumably the dead boy’s siblings, who weren’t there.) You ...
  you're fired

Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks

...k over American Catholics with the gall to be liberals, and no say on how any of the world’s Catholics do shit? Okay, we guess we will take it. So who is Cardinal Raymond Burke, and why do we hate that fucking guy? Well, your first clue is he was created cardinal by Pope Ratzi, the Nazi Pope, and that guy was the worst. How did Burke so endear himself to the shithead wing of the Church that he was created cardinal? By loudly blustering that...
  good morning good morning good morning to you


...remedies for you. (For what it’s worth, she kept — presumably drunkenly — posting pictures of shit sandwiches in the secret chatcave last night, and we did not let her post them at you. You’re welcome!) Well, some of us woke up reasonably chipper, because while you were busy throwing plates of chicken and dumplings at your snazzy Walmart flatscreen, we were off having an ultrasound! Of a babby! And guess what you guys, it...
  Only Ten Million Votes Short Of A Heartbeat Away

Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh

Can't be too careful
...don’t give a fuck if their name’s Palin, or fuckin’ Obama, ’cause they don’t mean shit to me… And I think I might wanna press charges on Bristol Palin, so bring one of your officers the fuck up here […] Klingenmeyer: Are you the sergeant here? Officer: No, that’s sergeant Gay (?). Klingenmeyer: I wanna talk to the head nigger in charge… I don’t need this from… I’m here to hav...
  pretend i'm dead

Cool Conserva-Ladies: Stop Pretending You Got Roofied, You Ignorant Slut

Photo courtesy Hundred Acre Wood P.D.
...block? Sure thing, sounds nice! But then, whoops, I ended up in the park bathroom for an hour while I puked and shit and shit and puked, and when I came out the guy who had walked me there was gone. That’s a bummer! Then I went back to the hotel, passed out for a few hours, begged the desk clerk to call me an ambulance as I was very, very ill, eventually got my own cab since she wouldn’t, and the ER doctor would not test me for roofie...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Lieberals And Your Stupid Fake ‘Global Warming’

My Little Pony: Friendship is a Plot by Scientists to Raise Your Taxes and Destroy Freedom
Oh, golly gee, this will be a fun edition of Dear Shitferbrains, because not only do we have a genuine climate denier in our the ol’ comments queue, we also have a concern troll who accuses us of being fascists, a possible Poe’s Law enthusiast (or straightforward lunatic), and a Ben Carson fan. AND MORE! Let’s get right to our climate denier, who has the charming moniker “Windy,” and was not at all impressed by ou...
  Here have some news n stuff

Susan G. Komen Doesn’t Have A Problem With Cancer, As Long As It’s Pink

...nce linking fracking and cancer, so go ahead and buy those pink bits. For the CureTM. Which is some kind of bullshit. The advocacy group Breast Cancer Action said in a statement that the drill bit was the “most ludicrous piece of pink sh*t” they’ve seen all year. Yup, bullshit all right. But at least it’s pink. This is a true story: This morning I went into the Arrow Cafe here in Tecumseh to give myself a special treat of “Some...
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
...irst Lady pregnant or with a newborn. Hmm, no links, no pretense of an attribution, and some easily checked bullshit — a quick image search turns up plenty of pictures of the girls as tiny people, and sweet holy Cthulhu they are adorable (that’s the only good side to reading this thing, really. SO CUTE!). And despite the headline, no “evidence.” And of course, yes there are photos of Michelle Obama holding a tiny baby Sash...
  In Case You Missed it

Wonkette Week In Review: All The Stuff You Missed While You Were ‘In Your Bunk’

Really a surprising number of pics of ponies reading the paper...all from one episode, sure...
...17;s list of the ten most-shared-on-Facebook posts of the last week, we had prepared a beautiful 1500-word Dear Shitferbrains piece for you. It was almost certainly the bestest, funniest Dear Shitferbrains EVAR. Or at least the best in the last three days. And just as we were getting ready for final proofreading, we saved the piece, looked at it, and discovered that it was now a 700-word piece that cut off in the middle of one paragraph. We are n...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Stop Using Nerd Words Like ‘Wonkette’

Dear Princess Celestia... As a dragon, I find Hearth's Warming Eve to be very offensive.
..., is what we’re getting at. It’s often a pretty good clue that a comment may be headed for the Dear Shitferbrains column when it uses second person this strangely. Who on earth is the “you” that chastityrocket is addressing here? Yr Wonkette? Adrian Peterson? Other commenters? “Bob” from Twin Peaks? 30 -40 years ago you might have gotten away with this. This is simply child abuse. because his daddy did it to hi...
  Your morning cup of wut?

Ted Cruz Will Defend Your TV-Watching Rights And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He went to law school so he knows law stuff
...ll “medically necessary” services. Hey, we know this Rebecca lady! Not that this is relevant, but she’s hot as shit and funny as hell. And she wouldn’t mind my calling her hot as shit in a list that has nothing to do with physical appearance. She runs shit, and she once bought my grandmother two glasses of wine and a hamburger while charming the pants off of her. “That Rebecca is such a wonderful character,” my grandmother says whenever ...
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Scott Brown’s In A Canoe, ISIS Is Relocating To New Mexico, And More

Derpy's oppo research mostly involves cataloging muffins at campaign brunches god, that’s unconscionable — we’re happy to call Jim Hoft a morally bankrupt lying sack of shit who deserves to be laughed off the information superhighway (and sent back to the information dirt back road* whence he came), but we don’t cotton to making threats or wishing harm on anyone. The Far Left better knock off its vicious attacks on the family members of Jim Hoft. So what did these roving gangs of hateful Leftists...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Labor Day Loonies Edition

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the poor quality of the .gifs on this mommyblog!
...of “you hate me” because you won’t post my thoughts and all you want to hear is your own bullshit. Good luck ever finding truth when you are only listening to yourselves regurgitate each other’s bullshit. You know what, Wally, that’s a risk we’re willing to take, even if it deprives us of your brave truth-telling. Our story about the Minnesota man tased by police for sitting in public while black, and then c...
  everybody freak out!

Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute

...get over being nice. Nice equals death. Greg Gutfeld must be a huge hit at parties. After this screed and some shit-talking of Obama (“If our president isn’t up to it, find someone who is”), Gutfeld turns to Guilfoyle, an actual lawyer, for an opinion on the legal niceties of Johnson’s idea, asking if we “can we actually do this without violating their so-called civil liberties?” Guilfoyle responds: Guess what? I don’t care, and in fact I hope w...
  An Hour After The Apology You're Offended Again

Philadelphia Newspaper Sorry About That Racist Photo Caption ‘Proofreading Error’

Don't You People have a sense of humor?
...prove that the Philadelphia Public Record is a paper that gives a heck of a darn about accuracy ‘n’ shit, editor Jimmy Tayoun Sr., when called on the caption by Philadelphia Magazine, initially had this compelling explanation, which we feel obliged to repeat verbatim: “It was a proofreading error,” Tayoun told Philadelphia magazine on Friday afternoon. According to Tayoun, the editor who used those names did so because he...