Search Results for “shit/bydate”

  We are servicey

How SCOTUS Decided To Turn America Gay: A Wonksplainer

Mission accomplished!
...rgument that marriage rights have never applied to gays and lesbians before, so they can’t now? Yeah, bullshit: If rights were defined by who exercised them in the past, then received practices could serve as their own continued justification and new groups could not invoke rights once denied. This Court has rejected that approach, both with respect to the right to marry and the rights of gays and lesbians. And as for the so-called traditio...

Bobby Jindal Is The Wingnut Presidential Candidate Nobody’s Been Waiting For

Not presidential material. Not Bobby Jindal either.
...m industry in New Orleans, by signing into law a cap on tax credits. ABC/Disney has already put its New Orleans shit on hold. Jindal said, “You can’t grow the economy and the government at the same time. It is an either/or choice.” That, of course, is not what growned-up economists say, but old-ass Republican voters don’t know that. He says he’s the only candidates who’s “written a replacement plan”...
  only $7.99!

Wonkette Doesn’t Sell Confederate Flag Apparel, But We Gots Panties With Teeth!

Burning with a desire for reconciliation, these panties are.
...ubbas obviously realized there was a reckonin’ a-comin’, so they rushed to stock up on traitor flag shit, with Amazon showing a 2305 percent increase in Confederate flag sales. But OH NO SADFACE, Amazon is going to quit selling all that stuff. Sears, Kmart, and eBay are discontinuing loser racist flag paraphernalia as well. EVEN WALMART, which is like Mecca for racist assholes, is following suit. “Et tu, Brute?” the bigots...
  What are we injecting today?

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Revenge Of The Son Of The Bride Of Dracula Vag

...7;s being called by the very people that are actually trying to sell this insanity, the Dracula Treatment. Holy shit, we actually have an excuse to bring back our gone-but-not-forgotten friend, ole Dracula Cunt! Hurray for Rejuvula! Rejuvula’s practitioners take platelet rich plasma (i.e. blood) from their patients and inject it directly into their hoohas. They claim it’s able to tighten the vagina and increase sensation, leading to m...
  but really how DO fuckin' magnets work?

Wingnuts Outraged Juggalos And Fox News Classified As Hate Groups, Except They Weren’t

Not a hate group leader.
...akes. OK, let us get one disclaimer out of the way before we make fun of Big Dumb Stupids. The proliferation of shitty satire websites is BAD FOR AMERICA. They don’t add value, and people on both sides are taken in by them all the time. We are tired of seeing it. If you are not The Onion or Clickhole, STOP IT. At one such shitty satire site called Free Wood Post, an article claimed that Fox News had been designated as a hate group by the SP...
  Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey Woo

The Snake Oil Bulletin: When Your Psychic Tells You To Buy Her A Time Machine, Run Away was one of the cheaper options. Are you starting to consider a change in your career path after reading this shit? You’re not the only one. After the time travel plot didn’t work (probably because Delmaro didn’t have the stomach to kill Hitler), she sold him on the idea of buying an 80-mile long golden bridge in the spirit realm so they could trap the spirit on the bridge through, uh, bridge magic?  Yeah, sure, bridge magic....
  supreme wisdom

Antonin Scalia Tells Grads: Always Be Yourself, Unless You Are Hitler

...tonin Scalia’s mouth?” Sure, why the hell not, it’s Friday: That time he lost his ever-loving shit during a hearing, when confronted with the idea that Christian crosses might not be the best war memorials, for Jewish people: “I don’t think you can leap from that to the conclusion that the only war dead the cross honors are the Christian war dead,” thunders Scalia. “I think that’s an outrageous conclusion!” That time he was cert...
  But who would ever be that dumb?

Look, It’s Another Republican Calling Bullsh*t On Dumb Obamacare Lawsuit

Yes America is that dumb
...OF COURSE everyone in America should have access to healthcare, even those who have the misfortune of living in shitty states run by shitty Republicans. Because not even they could have imagined that would become, like, an issue: “I don’t ever recall any distinction between federal and state exchanges in terms of the availability of subsidies,” said Olympia J. Snowe, a former Republican senator from Maine who helped write the Finance Committee ve...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Knows Democrats Are Causing California’s Drought

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
...ive to Scotland and Bermuda do not thrive in California’s Mediterranean climate unless you pump in metric shit-tons of water. Literal metric shit-tons of water, you guys. Nearby Palm Springs is even worse. Home to 124 golf courses, the Palm Springs region receives about three inches of rain annually, and almost all of the water used to irrigate those 124 courses comes from other parts of the state. This is not a commie pinko talking point;...
  Nice time! Kind of!

Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!

Ooh nice squad car, where'd ya get it???
...ocratic governor up there, Steve Bullock, has signed a law, HB 463, that says you can’t be doing all that shit anymore: Montana’s HB 463 does away with the most controversial aspects of civil asset forfeiture, requiring police to convict a property owner of a crime before going through permanent forfeiture proceedings. The law also raises the legal threshold for forfeiture in the event of a conviction, requiring police to present R...
  That There's Some Bullshit

Wyoming Won’t Have You Going Around Taking Pictures Of Their Cow Sh*t Infested E. Coli Rivers

OK, sure, this photo is from New Jersey. But it's cows in a stream. There's your disclaimer. Freakin' PolitiFact. of giving data to a state or federal regulatory agency. Excuse us, please, but WUT? Oh. It’s about cow shit. Lots and lots of cow shit that has led to dangerously high levels of e. coli bacteria in Wyoming streams and rivers. Please sciencesplain this to us, Justin Pidot at Slate: The state wants to conceal the fact that many of its streams are contaminated by E. coli bacteria, strains of which can cause serious health problems, even dea...
  Now Wi-Fi Free!

The Snake Oil Bulletin: The Food Babe Gets Her Revenge! (No, She Doesn’t.)

...terview with Al Jazeera America, Vani Hari faced a withering series of questions such as “Are you full of shit or just full of LOTS of shit?” only, y’know, said more journalistically than that. When asked about her tendency toward sensationalism, fear-mongering, and click-bait headlines, Hari only responded, “my methods are effective.” No one doubts that! The effectiveness of breathless bullshit is the only ...
  Good plan or GREAT plan?

Jeb Bush Unveils Presidential Cabinet, Everyone In It Is George W. Bush

He's with stupid
...why he has said “you won’t see me” during the 2016 presidential election. Because his name is shit, his legacy is shit, his own party has distanced itself from him for years, not inviting him to conventions and insisting he was never really one of them anyway. But there’s one Republican who thinks saying GEORGE W. BUSH is a winning strategy. You’ll never guess who it is! After spending months distancing himself from...

Watch This Dumb Duggar Say A Bunch Of Stupid Sh*t About Gay Marriage

...ans who were already here, our white land-owning founding bros stoled some Africans to build this country based on respect and tolerance and shit fucking shit, Josh Duggar, your family has a TV show, so no, no one is silencing you at all, even though that would be an awesome thing because UGHHHHHHHHH. And that is why reality shows are bad, the Duggars are the worst, bigots are terrible, and don’t homeschool your kids, the end. [Rawstory]...
  Stop laughing these idiots are really scared LOL

Hero Gov. Greg Abbott Will Stop Obama From Doing Martial Law And ISIS To Poor Texans

If you don't believe them, you've probably already been brainwashed.
...ed by ISIS, who is currently hiding behind some brush just over yonder, on the Mexican banks of the Rio Grande. Shit yer pants and oil yer guns, y’all, it’s time for a revolution! If you are not one of the people we were just addressing above, here is a thing that is happening! Gov. Greg Abbott has ordered the Texas State Guard — NOT the National Guard, the State Guard, which is different — to keep an eye out on a planned...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: You Sheepy Sheeple Are Such Sheep!

To The Management: Please correct this image. I would never use Courier. On second thought, never mind. You'd just replace it with Comic Sans.
We have a Very Special Men And Women of Few Words edition of Dear ShitFerBrains for you today, because due to some odd alignment of the planets this week, we didn’t receive a single long, painful screed that ranged over everything from Benghazi to water fluoridation. Just a lot of staccato bursts of derp. And so the question must be asked: Is our trolls learning? Hahahaha, who are we kidding, of course not (As always, all spelling, spacin...
  Teabagger Nice Time

Even This Cuddly Teabagger Dude Might Vote For Hillary, So He Can Keep His Beloved Obamacare

Obamacare yay, gay sprinkles in mah coffee BOO.
...0; oh you get the idea.) So, James Webb is looking back and going HUH, those Republicans haven’t done jackshit for me over the last 20 years, have they? Nope, Mr. Webb, we’re pretty sure they have not. Webb ends his video by saying that, unless Republicans change (they will not), he’s probably going to have to “swing [his] vote over to Hillary.” Yeah! Webb also has ANOTHER Obamacare video, from a few weeks back, wher...
  Usually Kaili is mad about a thing but it's MY TURN BITCHEZ

Walmart Withholds Medicine From Lady Who Miscarried, Because She’s Probably A Sinner

Everyone woman should have babies except not of those times in life, we imagine (as we are a dude), that you really don’t want to deal with any bullshit, just a guess? So you go to the doctor, and he gives you a prescription for Misoprostol, which will help your body pass the tissue, instead of having to go through an invasive, unpleasant procedure to extract it. Doc calls your scrip in to the friendly neighborhood Walmart, but the pharmacist refuses to fill it, because Sincerely H...
  That's Not Enlightenment!

Oh Yay Buddhist Yoga Dudes Can Be Rapey Mens Rights Activists Too!

If you meet the Buddha in the road, bro-fist him say no.” See, rape crisis centers? PROBLEM FUCKING SOLVED ALREADY. Just get all Nancy Reagan with that shit! Feminism doesn’t mean what you think it means: “I think on some level it’s almost not feminist to say ‘Well, these young women were taken advantage of,'” says Waylon. Ladies, stop disempowering yourselves! Pick yourself up by your own yoga pants already! Make sure you report that you’re being sexually pressured/h...
  Tucker Carlson is gonna FREAK OUT

Trans People To Rampage Through White House ‘Gender Neutral’ Potty. Hide Your Kids!

Relax, Tucker. You can do this. Just think of waterfalls.
...Carlson’s predicament in further detail, we should acknowledge that Phyllis Schlafly is going to lose her shit over this too. If you’ll remember, Mother Schlafly INVENTED bathroom panic, with her decade-long opposition to the simple and harmless Equal Rights Amendment (ERA) in the 1970’s. As the New York Times explains, what was once an easy sell — “Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by...
  businesslady jobcreating entrepreneurin'

Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
...Daily Kos. And she’s been awesome and does our job real good like! Then we hired Shypixel to fix all our shitty ads and broken browsers and BROKEN HEART AND BROKEN WOMB, which he did. With his penis. So that’s four, counting me, whom you should count, because even though you do not see my byline ever because I am seven months pregnant and all out of “words” and “jokes” and “thoughts about stuff and thing...
  George Stephanopoulos's questions have a well known liberal bias

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand

I am a deeply stupid man, I am the biggest idiot, I am the worst governor of any of the states, and that is saying something.
...e a reacharound when he signed the law: Pence’s Argument About Every Other State Having These Laws Is Bullshit Pence’s argument that these laws have been around for 20 years, and that therefore Indiana is no different, is worth addressing. Josh Marshall explains at Talking Points Memo that there are two big differences here. For one thing, these laws didn’t used to so explicitly target gay people. Secondly, anti-gay stuff that f...