Search Results for “shit/bydate”

  you're fired

Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks

...ck over American Catholics with the gall to be liberals, and no say on how any of the world’s Catholics do shit? Okay, we guess we will take it. So who is Cardinal Raymond Burke, and why do we hate that fucking guy? Well, your first clue is he was created cardinal by Pope Ratzi, the Nazi Pope, and that guy was the worst. How did Burke so endear himself to the shithead wing of the Church that he was created cardinal? By loudly blustering tha...
  good morning good morning good morning to you

GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?

Oh, sorry, we forgot to use our Suicide Hangover voice for you, our beloved wonker, who is now dead from suicide and also booze. How was your night last night? Was it full of your suicide? That’s too bad. We will wait until your comrade Mojopo wakes from her suicide hangover, and see if she has any suicide hangover remedies for you. (For what it’s worth, she kept — presumably drunkenly — posting pictures of shit sandwiche...
  Only Ten Million Votes Short Of A Heartbeat Away

Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh

Can't be too careful
Update: Additional fun audio at end of post. Thank god for responsive government! We’ve already seen the police reports, and now Anchorage Police have released audio from their interviews with witnesses at the scene of the Great Wasillabilly Rumble. The recordings are a veritable treasure trove of alcohol-fueled rage, privilege, and score settling. There’s the Big Drama over Track’s maybe-lost St. George necklace, a talisman t...
  pretend i'm dead

Cool Conserva-Ladies: Stop Pretending You Got Roofied, You Ignorant Slut

...block? Sure thing, sounds nice! But then, whoops, I ended up in the park bathroom for an hour while I puked and shit and shit and puked, and when I came out the guy who had walked me there was gone. That’s a bummer! Then I went back to the hotel, passed out for a few hours, begged the desk clerk to call me an ambulance as I was very, very ill, eventually got my own cab since she wouldn’t, and the ER doctor would not test me for roofi...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Lieberals And Your Stupid Fake ‘Global Warming’

My Little Pony: Friendship is a Plot by Scientists to Raise Your Taxes and Destroy Freedom
Oh, golly gee, this will be a fun edition of Dear Shitferbrains, because not only do we have a genuine climate denier in our the ol’ comments queue, we also have a concern troll who accuses us of being fascists, a possible Poe’s Law enthusiast (or straightforward lunatic), and a Ben Carson fan. AND MORE! Let’s get right to our climate denier, who has the charming moniker “Windy,” and was not at all impressed by our...
  Here have some news n stuff

Susan G. Komen Doesn’t Have A Problem With Cancer, As Long As It’s Pink

FAIL
Susan G. Komen for the Cure disgraced itself in 2012 under the policy leadership of “pro-life” Republican wingnut (and Sarah Palin favorite!) Karen Handel, when it decided to go to war with Planned Parenthood and be on the wrong side of the war on women. It was a disaster for the supposed breast cancer cure advocate, and the organization has never recovered. And this certainly won’t help: The Houston-based company Baker Hugh...
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the best Conservative news on the internet.” Let’s see what this important story has to say! It is no secret that Michelle and Barrack Obama have...
  In Case You Missed it

Wonkette Week In Review: All The Stuff You Missed While You Were ‘In Your Bunk’

Really a surprising number of pics of ponies reading the paper...all from one episode, sure...
...217;s list of the ten most-shared-on-Facebook posts of the last week, we had prepared a beautiful 1500-word Dear Shitferbrains piece for you. It was almost certainly the bestest, funniest Dear Shitferbrains EVAR. Or at least the best in the last three days. And just as we were getting ready for final proofreading, we saved the piece, looked at it, and discovered that it was now a 700-word piece that cut off in the middle of one paragraph. We are...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Stop Using Nerd Words Like ‘Wonkette’

Finally the sidekick gets to write a letter...damn marshmallow horses
We have been down to sump out the comments queue, and man, what a mess. We have quite the assortment, and let’s get right to it with this brief note from “Vfunct,” who was not impressed with our headline about the poor schlub who got fired after he told the story of the Great Palin Bumfight of 2014. That wasn’t really all that hard to follow, we thought: “Palins Scalp Witness To Their Epic Snowbilly Battle As First...
  Your morning cup of wut?

Ted Cruz Will Defend Your TV-Watching Rights And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He went to law school so he knows law stuff
...all “medically necessary” services. Hey, we know this Rebecca lady! Not that this is relevant, but she’s hot as shit and funny as hell. And she wouldn’t mind my calling her hot as shit in a list that has nothing to do with physical appearance. She runs shit, and she once bought my grandmother two glasses of wine and a hamburger while charming the pants off of her. “That Rebecca is such a wonderful character,” my grandmother says ...
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Scott Brown’s In A Canoe, ISIS Is Relocating To New Mexico, And More

Derpy's oppo research mostly involves cataloging muffins at campaign brunches
It’s another Derp Roundup, our occasional collection of all the crud that’s been piling up on our browsers but wasn’t quite worth a full post. Apply booze or bleach as needed, but be careful where. First up, a tale of dogged opposition research: Scott Brown took a little time off from campaigning for senator in his home state of New Hampshire so that he could go canoeing on the Contoocook River. And paddling along not far...
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Labor Day Loonies Edition

I am outraged by the poor quality of the .gifs on this blog!
Happy Labor Day, workers of the world! While you and your grillables marinate in anticipation of the big holiday Bar-B-Q/bonfire, we bring you these offerings from the comments queue. Just be careful not to leave them out too long — like mayonnaise, they go bad in the sun. First up, since it mentions jerbs, we have this reply to our piece on North Carolina senatorial candidate Thom Tillis, who will defeat Kay Hagan by writing numbers on a...
  everybody freak out!

Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute

Good Lord, the adult diaper budget for the on-air personalities at Fox News must dwarf the GDP of your average mid-sized nation. Maybe Fox is even a front group for Depends the way the NRA is a front for gun manufacturers. Or maybe we just need a rational explanation for this insane clip of Greg Gutfeld and Kimberly Guilfoyle shrieking in terror over a supposed plague of Muslim terrorists with Western passports like ether-addled monkeys in a p...
  An Hour After The Apology You're Offended Again

Philadelphia Newspaper Sorry About That Racist Photo Caption ‘Proofreading Error’

Don't You People have a sense of humor?
A Philadelphia newspaper is eating General Tso’s Crow after it let some idiot’s racist photo caption joke go to press. Free weekly paper The Philadelphia Public Record ran the above photo with what would otherwise have been a seriously nothing story about a fundraiser for City Councilman Mark Squilla, hosted by an Asian-American group. The caption was obviously tossed into the paper by someone who didn’t notice it included some...
  Your morning cup of wut?

Sore Loser Mitt Romney Is Still Sore Loser, Lesbian Feminists Will Destroy Us All, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Still not president
...n, a ‘Redskins Historian,’ the former Super Bowl winning coach called the criticism of the Redskins’ name “horse shit.” “What’s all the stink over the Redskin name? It’s so much horse shit it’s incredible.” “We’re going to let the liberals of the world run this world. It was said out of reverence, out of pride to the American Indian. Even though it was called a Redskin, what are you going to call them, a Brownskin?” Thanks for those really deep t...
  a site can dream can't it?

LifeNews Fap Fantasy Time: Let’s Just Say Robin Williams Killed Himself Over Abortion

...S DRINKING YOU ASSHOLES. We’re kinda surprised this got yanked down, actually. This is the site that makes shit up out of whole cloth about how abortion and breast cancer are related, so we didn’t really think they had much in the way of scruples in the lying their pants off department. Making shit up that harms potentially all women by telling them they will get CANCER if they have an abortion? Totes cool. Making shit up ...
  nice time!

Nice Time! Doctor Who Contracted Ebola Subtweets Ann Coulter In Nicest Most Actually Christian Way Possible

And the Lord said,
Remember yesterday when Ann Coulter was terrible? Ha ha, of course you have forgotten because she is terrible every day so the specific occasions all blend together. But we’re talking about yesterday’s insanely insulting column when she took a metaphorical axe to Dr. Kent Brantly, the American physician who was evacuated from Liberia to Atlanta after he contracted Ebola while working to help stem the current outbreak of the disease in Western A...
  nice time!

Nice Time! Kentucky State University President Decides To Raise Minimum Wage His Own Damn Self

Yep, time for that warm fuzzy feeling.
Time for a reprieve from the bullshit and terribleness out there (looking at you, “Dr.” Ben Carson). We bring you to Kentucky, in praise of Raymond Burse, the interim President of Kentucky State University. Why should he get praise, and not the sharp end of our forked tongue? Because he is a giant among men and women, for he has managed to warm that cold spot in our chest where our heart should be. Burse was concerned that some employees of Ken...
  Weep Weep For Your Fallen Heroes

Victoria Jackson, Stacy Campfield Fare Worse In Tennessee Elections Than Confederate Army At Vicksburg

On a day like today, only a crying eagle and an American flag will do.
...universe. His career reached its apotheosis this past December when he received the coveted Wonkette Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award for his excellence in being a total shitmuffin. Is this prestigious honor what finally pushed the voters to boot him out of office? On one hand, it is impossible to say for sure. On the other hand, yes. Campfield, in a fashion befitting the greatest of shitmuffins, published this on his ...
  HELLLLLLO CLEVELAND!

Greatest Rocker In Universe Ted Nugent Wings On His Jet To Headline The Toledo Rib Jam

Now that Ted Nugent has taught Native Americans how to be Native American like him, Ted Nugent, he is done with those stinkyass unclean dipshit Indians whining about how the White Man “stole their land,” and doesn’t even think about them anymore. He’s got no time for their negative loser bullshit, “WAAAH, YOU GENOCIDED US,” buck the fuck up, Whatever The Casually Racist Term for “Native American Friend&...
  #SorryYesSorry

A Rousing Defense Of Rand Paul By Wonkette Against Scurrilous Charges That Were Made By Us, Wonkette

We here at Yr Wonkette, the world’s greatest and most beloved mommyblog recipe hub, strive to be like Mary Poppins: practically perfect in every way, but with dick jokes. However, it has been drawn to our attention, by us, that we made a huge mistake by hurling scurrilous charges against Rand Paul on Tuesday. We, along with the rest of the entire interweb universe, accused him of running away like a coward when confronted by your new hero...
  clip and save!

Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted

You know that we are very public service minded here at Wonkette, which is why we’re bringing you this handy-dandy column that you can cut out and put in your wallet for the next 1001th time that some idjit tries to explain to you that they don’t really hate the gays, but they just don’t see a need for gay marriage because you can totally just make a contract for all the rights marriage confers upon you. Next time that happens...