9/11
Last night, Americans heard the news about Osama bin Laden and flocked to the site where the World Trade Center once stood. And they arrived on this hallowed ground, they held up signs, tried to get themselves on teevee, and yelled celebratory chants, including “SEND THEM HOME.” But most of all, these people got drunk. [...]
The tens of thousands of cops, firefighters, construction workers and others who survived the worst terrorist assault in U.S. history and risked their lives in its wake will soon be informed that their names must be run through the FBI’s terrorism watch list, according to a letter obtained by HuffPost. [...] Kline, who sits on [...]
Janet Napolitano has had a major breakthrough, people! A few days ago, Janet slipped and hit her head on her bathroom sink while trying to drink out of the toilet like an animal does, and bam!, an image of the flux capacitor a terror alert system with only two terror-colors appeared in her head. It [...]
Yielding to dozens of Surveymonkey petitions, Barack Obama has decided that allowing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his merry 9/11 pranksters to be tried in a “normal” court — you know, where torture-induced confessions are not considered “evidence” — would be inappropriate, and that a sensationalized military kangaroo tribunal with a swift verdict would be much [...]
A memorial to the youngest victim of the Jan. 8 shooting rampage in Tucson, Christina-Taylor Green, will include a twisted five-foot length of steel beam from the World Trade Center. The monument is a statue of an angel, to be erected in the outfield of her Little League softball field in a Tucson suburb. Umm. [...]
War schlub David Petraeus did one of his “report cards to the Senate” things today, and he’s got good news! Despite never accomplishing* a single thing in 10 years of bloody, pointless, horrific boondoggle Central Asian warfare, “It is only recently that we have gotten the inputs right in Afghanistan.” Oh, now we get it! [...]
In America, George W. Bush is best known for his 9/11 cowboy bravery. But everywhere else (including outer space), George W. Bush is “a brain-dead alcoholic who loves torture and death, just like Satan.” In communist Switzerland and other countries with medieval laws prohibiting the use of torture and rape prisons, for freedom, George Bush [...]
A shrewd investor knows that not all 1-666 Call Later infomercials will make you rich immediately. Aside from Cats4Gold and multifarious Glenn Beck NASCAR bullion, most televised coins and samurai kitchen swords will provide only “modest” returns — and only if FDR doesn’t steal them from you first. So you need to be very careful [...]
America’s favorite newspaper, the National Enquirer, has another gross scoop about political celebrities boning people they aren’t married to — this time it’s “first dude” Todd Palin, who is accused of repeatedly banging a hooker who was then arrested for being a prostitute. How will Sarah Palin turn this to her advantage? Easy: Everything is [...]
A man who famously lived in New York City when 9/11 happened and then made a living off the fact that he got to touch the 9/11 death heap, Rudy Giuliani, is said to be considering running for president, just like everyone else. This is of course a bad idea if he actually wants to [...]
ANNOUNCING WONKETTE’S PERSON OF THE YEAR: The guy who can’t spell “Muslim,” “mosque,” OR “Ground Zero,” yet NOES ENUFF to know he should be bigoted against any two of these things aligning. Yes, it was a banner year for hate on Earth yet again, even when we thought Justin Bieber would finally eclipse it. He [...]
Many tried to top the Epic Comedy of Christine O’Donnell’s actual political commercial about being a witch, but only one brave man could approach the occult pathos of the Delaware Masturbation Witch’s official campaign advertisements, and that was this guy. Who else made us ashamed in 2010? Oh pretty much everybody, but these six videos [...]
Remember when those people opposed to the “Ground Zero Mosk” embarrassed our country over the summer, and then the international news media moved on? They didn’t, apparently, and now they have come to the next front in their epic battle to bring xenophobia to New York City: finding famous people who supported the right of [...]
