Wonkette

While Ken and Sara have taken the “good passes” to the Pepsi Center, your humble associate editor has a mere “perimeter pass,” which gives access to the parking lot. But look what we’ve found in one of the plastic “media pavilions”: the Captain Morgan’s “Captain For President” lounge, with comfy black chairs and free Tanqueray. We’re just cold eatin’ pretzel mix and watchin’ teevee with this pirate dude. Everyone come to Media Pavilion #2. The best part about this place is that they have the teevees on mute.

Well, this is a terrible disappointment. The City of St. Paul decided to charge bars $2500 for a license to stay open till 4 a.m. during the anxious, angry slog known as the Republican National Convention — an event to make a drinker out of anyone — not a single establishment has applied. A POX ON ALL THEIR HOUSES. MORE »

Old Hillary Clinton has sent out another weird e-mail begging for money to cover her campaign debt. She will take you and a guest out to dinner! Hillary writes, “Summer is a time for simple pleasures: family vacations, baseball games, and dinner out under the stars. At least it is if you aren’t running for president!” Oh Jesus… Grandma’s sneaked her way into the scotch cabinet again. [Hillz]

Why is Hillary Clinton embarrassing herself so much with this disenfranchisement bullshit, or the other bullshit with which she’s embarrassing herself? It’s because she is drunk, very drunk, all the time, forever, so drunk that she cannot DO ANYTHING — LOOK AT HER. Obama would be drunk too, all the time, but he wants to be a strong black role model. [Sigh]. More pictures of Hillary getting drunk again with reporters on her airplane, after the jump! MORE »

A fantastic PR person writes to Wonkette: “To help brighten the moods of late-filers on Tax Day, April 15th, Coors Light is going to have 10 Silver Bullet Girls picket sign rallying at post offices in 13 markets to help turn Tax Day into National Venting Day. The picket signs will read ‘There’s a Better Way to Vent.’” By having sex with the Silver Bullet Girls? Ha ha, heterosexual female taxpayers will have to have sex with something else, or just drink.

Louisiana state senators have been hard at work recently drafting legislation to honor the Sazerac — a drink containing “whiskey, sugar, bitters and absinthe, or a substitute anise-flavored liquor” — as the official state cocktail. New Orleans is in such great shape, see, that they can spend their time writing all sorts of fun legislation celebrating drinks! MORE »

From the way former Congressman John Sweeney can’t stay out of the long, masculine arms of the upstate New York law, you’d think he liked police stations as much as he likes: drinking; drinking and driving; slapping his wife around while drinking; getting road head while drunk; and drinking. The other night Sweeney, who lost his license in November after his little drunken road head incident, called a cab to be taken home from a strip club in Clifton Park. That’s when things got a little bit messy.

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Oh that’s right, he’s somehow running for president and made it into the Des Moines Register Republican debate! And it’s starting at 2 p.m., which is like right around now. Who’s suddenly more psyched for this liveblogging experience? Oh I know who is: Everyone! Go steal some beers from your boss’ fridge or stop studying for those final exams, because we iz startings… MORE »

Aww, George W. Bush is being a… wuzzitcalled… compassionate conservative? Was that the term that he once used to describe himself, before like the wars and the lying and stuff? ABC News’ Martha Raddatz spent a whole day with the president yesterday, and she got him to be all honest-like about that old alcohol addiction of his — another relic of makefunnery circa 1999-2000. Again, before all the wars and the lying and stuff. [ABC News]

Back in 1933, when no one could drink, Congress knew how to get shit done fast. In less than a year, they managed to pass (and the states to ratify) the 21st Amendment, repealing Prohibition on December 5, 1933. And it is with that in mind that we are already raising our be-Irished coffee mugs at Wonkette to toast Repeal Day, a probably totally made-up holiday (like Valentine’s Day, only with more alcohol and less crying). Start emailing your Congress members now asking for it to be made a National Holiday because it’s not like they have any legislative work they’re actually going to do and they’re running out of Post Offices to name. Hurry, before you get too drunk to type!