America
Harry Reid made a special cameo appearance in Carson City yesterday, where he spoke to the Nevada legislature and “an audience that included a legal brothel owner, legal prostitutes and the legal industry’s state lobbyist.” How did Harry Reid win over his whore-loving audience? Perhaps he flattered them with his world-famous compliments? (“It’s a great [...]
Guten Morgen! New York Times “visual op-ed” columnist Charles Blow has a new Blow Chart about the awful state of our union — and it’s quite revelatory, but only if you didn’t already know that the United States is an impoverished banana republic with millions of non-violent offenders locked up in overcrowded prisons forever. (We [...]
Mississippi is always day dreamin’ about the good ol’ Confederate States of America. Those were simpler, way better times, when you didn’t need a “license plate” for your souped up dirt bike truck, and you could drive drunk, legally, all the way to the weekly “kill a queer 4 Christ” charity roadkill BBQ at Pastor [...]
In America, George W. Bush is best known for his 9/11 cowboy bravery. But everywhere else (including outer space), George W. Bush is “a brain-dead alcoholic who loves torture and death, just like Satan.” In communist Switzerland and other countries with medieval laws prohibiting the use of torture and rape prisons, for freedom, George Bush [...]
Close your eyes and imagine that you are drowning in a giant ocean of human belly fat. Does this image make you unhappy? Too bad, according to scientists who say that we are all going to die in a terrible man-made lard storm. The entire world is facing a pandemic of cardiovascular disease, mostly because [...]
A shrewd investor knows that not all 1-666 Call Later infomercials will make you rich immediately. Aside from Cats4Gold and multifarious Glenn Beck NASCAR bullion, most televised coins and samurai kitchen swords will provide only “modest” returns — and only if FDR doesn’t steal them from you first. So you need to be very careful [...]
For reasons which are all too clear, The Wretched State of Alaska has delayed the release of Sarah Palin’s governor e-mails fourteen times, and two more delays are pending! Why won’t Alaska’s bureaucrats let us read the gchat exchanges between Sarah Palin and the Bloomingdale’s panties that she purchased with Michael Steele’s American Express card? [...]
Uh? Following in the footsteps of KFC’s Double Down and that giant pizza/burger thing at Burger King, they cooked up something awful at the World Food Festival in Iowa — a Krispy Kreme cheeseburger. And yes, it’s just what you think — a cheeseburger on a Krispy Kreme Donut. Apparently this has been done before, [...]
Hey, remember in 2008 when you voted for America’s Next Top President? Many people voted for “Barack Obama” but also a reasonable number of folks voted “John McCain” (Yours Truly voted for “Bart Simpson,” the real candidate of Change). According to a Venn diagram over at the Daily Beast, people who live in states that [...]
Here is the “infrastructure” or whatever that America so desperately needs: U.S. military tech firm Raytheon is living the dream — as long as that dream involves donning a mechanical suit, smashing through thick pine boards and pressing a hundred kilos just for fun. Meet the XOS 2. Uh, Cool? Fox News has a fun [...]
The Teabaggers are in a bit of a conundrum. There are only X many white people that can be wooed with promises of Made in China flag-waving picnics, and every day America is becoming less “white” and more “immigrant.” So what’s Plan B? Sell fun Teabagger coloring books to all the white children! Even Hitler [...]
A new study of the world’s rich countries says that America’s fatness levels will increase from the current 70% to more than 75% by the year 2020, but other nations are working hard to catch up — including our neighbors in Canada (6th fattest) and Mexico (2nd place). According to the Organization for Economic Cooperation [...]
