America
Hello, sad and destitute American: Why did you even bother waking up this morning? Did you not eat enough Ambien for dinner? We understand. (The dreamworld is the only place where we are free from Tyranny, and the brownz.) Woe is us, sigh. This doesn’t even matter because nothing matters anymore, since America is Dead, [...]
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoir will be published in January. Don’t read it: “Known and Unknown,” being published by Sentinel (an imprint of Penguin), refers to Rumsfeld’s explanation in 2002 for the lack of evidence that Iraq was supplying terrorists with weapons of mass destruction. “Reports that say that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me, [...]
It’s been an exciting week for Afghanistan, the reality teevee show where farty military brass compete to see who can cook up the most death and despair using only three ingredients. Our latest contestant, “Dave Petraeus,” has an ambitious plan to send an additional 2,000 NATO soldiers to Afghanistan — probably because he hates them [...]
The main problem right now, according to Lindsey Graham, is not that America is in a deep depressing hole of sadness. Lindsey Graham has nothing against deep holes — some could argue he even fancies them, if you know what we mean, and we think you do! — what concerns him is the kind of [...]
MSNBC’s very own narcissist-blowhard teevee personality Ed Schultz laughs and laughs at last weekend’s Glenn Beck Death March on Washington. Does he laugh because the rally was several hours of monotonous, meaningless drivel attended by the most wretched and diabetic demographic of America? Does he laugh because Glenn Beck organized an army of worshipers to [...]
Please take a moment to quietly reflect on how silly it is that a group of American Muslims felt it was necessary to make a depressing video where one of the major talking points is “we don’t want to take over this country.” It’s silly because everything you need to know about this video you [...]
Sarah Palin continues to be a major critic of President Barack Obama. Why are people giving her a platform? Why would anyone think she has any particular insight into national issues and how our federal government should operate? Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to mic up a grilled cheese sandwich and ask it questions? But [...]
We are fairly certain that George W. Bush is currently touching stuff in Haiti, but new photos have surfaced that suggest maybe he is also still in Texas shaking hands with troops returning from war, via CNN Hologram. Isn’t it special that George Bush is willing to touch other people, even though he hates it [...]
A six-story-tall statue of Jesus’ torso known as “Big Butter Jesus” and/or “Touchdown Jesus” — because what is wrong with people? — was struck by lightning and burned to the ground last night. The vulgar landmark was built in 2004 outside some mall church in the outskirts of Cincinnati. “It was made of plastic foam [...]
Liz Glover just sent us this morbid reminder: “Tomorrow is the 40th Anniversary of the Kent State Massacre. Here’s my interview with a couple of the members of Devo who witnessed it.”
Teabaggers and their home-made signs, so awesome! Way to spell “again,” too! (Does “agin” mean something racist? We cannot keep up.) Thanks to Wonkette operative “C.T.” for going outside and taking this picture of America’s New Freedom Fighters. Send more, everybody! Because Newell is apparently dead for reals. (And why is there a cartoon George [...]
Tired of taking off your giant sweat pants before you go to work at Wal-Mart? Sick of taking off your huge jeans before falling asleep with Jay Leno and a Domino’s box on your lap? The American Dream is alive and well, losers, because now you can just put on a gigantic pair of “pajama [...]
