Courtesy of Wonkette commenter Atheist Nun, here’s your Fourth of July Blingee, featuring history’s lamest whining quitter. Whether Sarah Palin will be indicted and put in prison forever or not, we will always appreciate her, in our hearts, for ruining the teabaggers’ big plans to have all 500 teabaggers meet in a park somewhere to complain about having socialist parks where they can meet. Sorry, teabaggers! Happy Independence Day, everybody! Click the to watch Barack Obama’s happy July 4th video e-card! MORE »

EAT LIKE THE FANCY OBAMAS EAT: Finally, a Google Map showing every known food establishment where the National Elitist and sometimes his fancy family dine in and around D.C. Clip and save! (And, uh, tape to your iPhone or whatever?) [Brightest Young Things]

• The Weekly Standard used strategically placed ellipses to suggest Joe Klein thinks Iran is “breezy” with freedom, which is patently false. Joe Klein thinks Iran is “overflowing” with buckets of candy corn. Get it right or apologize, Weekly Standard. [Swampland]
• Be it Hamas, Hezbollah, Chavez, Castro, corn syrup, Heinrich Himmler, unibrows or the sinking of the Lusitania — in the battle of Good versus Evil, Barack Obama endorses Evil. Always. [RedState]
• Internet sensations Matthew Yglesias and Ezra Klein are reading Infinite Jest together, and they’re keeping a diary about it. Because the world needs more of those WordPress things. [A Supposedly Fun Blog]
• Henry Paulson and Fareed Zakaria will mate, and they will ask Matt Taibbi to be the child’s godfather. Also: Fareed Zakaria is a ham-head. [Matt Taibbi]
• Jonah Goldberg’s pet snail is dead! “Gary never caused trouble, never talked back, helped keep his tank a cleaner, better place and made everyone smile.” If only Michelle Obama could be a little more like Gary. [The Corner]

Let’s see, what do the nuts have to complain about today? That Barack Hussein is lookin’ at white folk in a critical-like fashion! Yes, yes he can. So much for the “good old days,” when the only coloreds in the White House were the Help, and you can bet your white ass they wouldn’t be all up in your grill, looking at you, when you were talking to them. Barack Obama should jes’ look down at his loose shoes when he’s gettin’ spoke to. [The Awl]

The last time a cell phone rang during a White House press conference, Robert Gibbs just took that damned device and gave it to the CIA, for torture. But Barack Obama is too cool for that. He just looks disappointed, with America, and then jokes about how pathetic the White House correspondents are, to be downloading duck ringtones. Oh and this is some kind of talk to the gays? [Gawker/YouTube]

Okay thanks a lot to Wonkette Operative “Phil” for sending this with the subject line, “OBAMA DOG SEX TAPE??!” This is the official Monday Night Open Thread, go nuts!

Last fall an Internet hobo named Jack Cashill broke a certain “biggest political scandal ever” proving that Bill Ayers, the hippie terrorist, colluded with then-Sen. Barack Obama, in 1995, to ghostwrite the latter’s profane memoir, Dreams From My Father. Cashill noticed that several sentences in Dreams incorporate similar (if not exact) individual proper nouns and conjunctions as those in Ayers’ Fugitive Days and other books. National Review hero Andy McCarthy picked up Cashill’s story, but then it died, because of liberal political biases in the national media. But it hath risen a-gain! Cashill wrote a long post yesterday titled, “Breakthrough on the Authorship of Obama’s ‘Dreams,’” and it proves once and for all that Obama didn’t write a fucking word in the whole book; it was all the terrorist Bill Ayers. And Jon Favreau wrote The Audacity Of Hope! MORE »

Known magazine TIME reported earlier in the day that Barack Obama, who hasn’t been to church since quitting Jeremiah Wright’s mosque last year, has chosen as “his primary place of worship” the “Evergreen Chapel, the nondenominational church at Camp David,” where other congregants include local forest creatures such as rabbits and donkeys. George W. Bush also “chose to worship” there, at the president’s secret Maryland lair, because if there are no cameras then you don’t actually have to go. But the most interesting thing about this TIME report is that it is WRONG and Barack Obama still hates Mister Jesus. MORE »

• Last Thursday hundreds of helpless picnic-goers were forced to wear leis and eat lomi lomi salmon while Barack Obama lit cigarettes with a tiki torch. It was the first madrassa-themed congressional picnic, ever. [HuffPost]
• More than 200 mullet-sporting diabetics came to pastor Ken Pagano’s bring-your-gun-to-church-day and wow, nobody got shot! It was a big improvement over a similar event pastor Ken hosted at the Dallas book depository back in the ’60s. [Think Progress]
• If you’ve noticed Michelle Obama skipping around the White House eating crumpets and slicing shit in half with an enormous saber, it is because she thinks she is the Queen of England. Who will shatter her fragile heart and tell her the truth? 1,2,3 …. Not it! [RedState]
• In a new and provocative ad campaign, Amnesty International beats up women when no one’s watching, to help illustrate how sneaky domestic violence is. [Andrew Sullivan]
• The eight Republicans who voted for Cap and Trade — known in more sophisticated bohemian circles as the TR8TORS — have enraged the Teabagging Community. And now the Tea Baggin’ Patriots have rigged up a javascript Doomsday device that will detonate in two days unless the Tr8tors change their vote! [Cap And Tr8tors]

You may have viewed this film on other Internet blogs, but if not, prepare to cry. We have attempted several times in the past week to write about all of the mean news journalists — chiefly Dana Milbank, a dreadful clown — accusing HuffPo’s Nico Pitney of asking Barack Obama a “planted question,” from the Iran, but it gets us all hot and bothered, so just watch the fun video, right up there. [YouTube]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, everybody, did you hear about the Health Care? Health Care is a very important issue facing us all today, and Obama has promised to Do Something about the Health Care? There is one slight problem with this: Health Care is very, very complicated, and any configuration of it is pretty much terrifying, so nobody really understands what the deal is with the proposed Health Care Reforms (or, really, what the deal is with the current un-Reformed Health Care that we have now). How, then, are America’s great communicators, the political cartoonists, supposed to explain Health Care to you, the mouth-breathing masses? Well, if the following cartoons are any indication, they will do so with murder, hideous mutants, and anal sex. OH MY GOD IS THIS WHAT WONKETTE HAS DONE TO AMERICAN DISCOURSE? DAVID DENBY WAS RIGHT! MORE »