Wonkette

Every white male in politics over the age of 50 has some awful illness, according to various rumors on the Internet. Joe Biden had two aneurysms operated on 20 years ago, so obviously he is due for another so that he can step down and Hillary Clinton can be Barack Obama’s vice president. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton’s thumb was shaking on various evening talk shows this week, so he’s about dead. Probably Parkinson’s. MORE »

• McCain pays his celebrity makeup artist $5,000 per session. Why won’t Cindy chip in for the 2 Whore Diamond upgrade?  [Us Weekly]
• America is saved, hooray! Meet the Palin Plan: “Congress not pointing fingers at this point at … one another.” Quick! Let’s go do this thing! [Matthew Yglesias]
• Campell Brown wants to know why the Sexist Media does not ask Sarah Palin tuff questions even though the media is forbidden to speak to Palin, who is kept inside a snowglobe.  [Ezra Klein]
• Oh dear, some racist Quakers hung Obama in effigy, in Oregon. The Decemberists opened. [Oregon Live]
• Bill Clinton says he can’t campaign for Obama — or do his Calc homework — because of September’s twelve Jewish holidays. [Ben Smith]

Bill Clinton will be on Larry King tonight, but we already know what he says because of the Internet. He’s postponing his Florida campaigning to honor the Jewish high holidays, because… well, let Bill himself confirm the very obvious political motive: “But I think it would be — if we’re trying to win in Florida, it may be that.” You know, offending the Jews during their party week or whatever. And then he says this: “You know, they think that because of who I am and where my politic[al] base has traditionally been, they may want me to go sort of hustle up what Lawton Chiles used to call the ‘cracker vote’ there.” He is so insane. [Ben Smith]

Bill Clinton e-mailed us today and guess what he wants, that’s right, more money. He writes that you can purchase a DVD of Hillary & Bill’s convention speeches for $50 dollars, today! And if you pay $250, you get the same thing but SIGNED BY HILLARY. It is called the “Signature” Edition! Oh man, these people miss that $11 million of their $109 million fortune so much. But aren’t candidates who’ve suspended their campaigns only allowed to raise money through the convention, and then it comes out of their pocketbooks? Maybe there’s an article somewhere about this, but fuck reading. Anyway, Bill Clinton wants you to buy porn, was the point. [Hillary Clinton]

Barack Obama and his Husseinbots tried to suffocate all three Clintons last night, in a Pepsi Center elevator. That is not Change We Need — it’s attempted murder! Read this SUN-TIMES EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT: “The Clinton family — Bill, Hillary and Chelsea — got stuck in an elevator Wednesday night, shortly after they left their box at the Pepsi Center … The Clintons got stuck midway between one floor and the next, and ultimately had to climb out of the elevator, back up three-and-a-half-feet to the next floor.” According to this EXCLUSIVE, “Observers were impressed at how calm everyone remained” in the face of rogue black hope elevators trying to kill them. [Chicago Sun-Times]

It was a hard-fought primary, but in the end, Bill Clinton’s old Arkansas magic just couldn’t work another time. So now he’s stuck with a boring old prime time slot on the second-to-the-last night of the convention, yammering about national security when he really wants to talk about math and numbers and dollars like he did in the 90s. Let’s see how he muddles through… MORE »

It’s the night we’ve all been waiting for: The night Bill Clinton will finally get out of the way and let the nominee go ahead and run for president. Bill has his legacy to worry about, because, you know, he squandered it with some of the most boorish, cheap behavior in political history — and we are not even talking about Monica Lewinsky. Let’s let Bill let us remember how wonderful he is and how awesome he will always be, as the DNC Wednesday night showdown begins. MORE »

Your editors are ready to kick back with Obama and whatever white family he visits tonight, as we all enjoy Bill Frickin’ Clinton! Liveblogging and live reporting from the Democratic National Convention in beautiful downtown Denver, coming soon! (Thanks to Wonkette Operative Michael Gambale for the screenshot.)

You may remember Tony Rodham from the 1990s when he and his brother Hugh were constantly getting their sister Hillary Clinton in trouble by securing pardons for their buddies, befriending hostile foreign leaders, having affairs, doing drugs, and so forth and so on. They were not very classy folks, unlike their morally stalwart sister and her husband, the President. And now Tony is back, fucking everything up again, and hosting a get-together with John McCain’s female outreach coordinator, Carly Fiorina, in an area of Pennsylvania that voted heavily for Clinton in the primary. [Scranton Times-Tribune]

This is so great. It’s from Hannity & Colmes, probably last night but definitely sometime recently, and the panel of guests is saying how John Edwards “getting away” with his affair (really?) reveals a double standard — because when Republicans get caught fucking something that isn’t a wife, it taints the whole party, but with Democrats, it just ruins the individual. In other words, we should not trust liberals because John Edwards banged his fake videographer. Anyway, around 2:50, Alan Colmes for the first time in his life starts crushing everyone. MORE »

A day after the Atlantic released tons of confidential memos and e-mails that, yet again, proved Hillary Clinton’s former chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn kills puppies for bloodsport, the Politico has comically published an op-ed from this very same Mark Penn, entitled, “Negative ads: They really do work.” Christ, Mark, we get it; Wolfson and Grunwald and Ickes were silly sallies who kept spoiling your hellish strategy for charred victory. But that doesn’t mean you have to write some creepy op-ed in the damn Politico every three hours! Seriously, creepy — in this op-ed, Penn reveals how he and Bill Clinton used to stalk people at the mall in 1996. MORE »

So John Edwards has admitted to banging that broad, Rielle. Here is a nice long story about what he will tell one of the Woodruffs on teevee tonight. Since it is Friday, none of your editors wanted to write a real, thorough post about this. So we have held a chat session to discuss John Edwards’ bastard child. It isn’t very readable, but it is long, so you really have no excuse. MORE »

The other day we mentioned Hillary Clinton’s latest attempt to win back $11 million of her $109 million fortune, the “Have Dinner With Hillary” contest. Today, Bill Clinton sent out another e-mail about the contest, and it’s gross. He writes, “Of all the people I’ve had the privilege to break bread with, the person I most enjoy is still Hillary.” Then: “Trust me on this one. If you’re the lucky winner, it will be a night you’ll really enjoy and one to remember.” Bill, as much as we’d like Hillary to roofie us, how are we supposed to “trust you on this one” when you’ve just lied by saying that you still enjoy Hillary? Full e-mail, after the jump. MORE »

• BRILLIANT HUNKS: “Clinton and Obama are both policy wonks and people it is clear you could trust an economy to (unlike Bush and McCain, who are all about giveaways to the rich, their own social class). But Clinton and Obama are also hunks, whom men admire for their lithe physicality and over whom women swoon. In a bad economy, Americans seem to want to be saved not so much by a man on a white horse as by a brilliant hunk.” Interesting idea, but find us a single American male who admired Bill Clinton for being “lithe.” (Thanks to Operative Bruce for the tip.) [Informed Comment]