cancer
How safe are those “backskatter” radiation machines, again? Completely safe, of course! But the Department of Homeland Security is just going to do a little check-and-see, just in case thousands and thousands of TSA airport security workers are about to be diagnosed with terrible cancers that will result, we assume, in the biggest lawsuit in [...]
In case you ever wonder to yourself, as a dark thought experiment, what it sounds like when someone as profoundly paranoid and insane as Michele Bachmann actually ends up as a head of state, you get hilarious newz reports about your president like this one: A day after officials announced the cancer diagnosis of Argentina’s [...]
Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a “web commercial” that shows a dirty old man saying weird things about Herman Cain and then melodramatically smoking a [...]
Herman Cain: “If ObamaCare had been implemented when I caught cancer, I’d be dead.” Is cancer still a thing people are “catching” these days? If so, everyone stay away from Herman Cain, because he had it! Whatever, there are still a few weird morons who believe that ObamaCare will axe murder to pieces whatever sweet [...]
Forgotten war criminal Donald Rumsfeld was taking a flight back to one of his mansions for the weekend when he was apprehended and felt up by TSA slobs. This is kind of like Justice, minus the part where Donald Rumsfeld was tortured for sixty-two years and then thrown into the Lake of Fire. Because, of [...]
We thought Giant Whining Baby/Serial Divorcer Newt Gingrich had his half-million-dollar Tiffany’s credit line just because he always needs new engagement rings when he divorces his old, cancer-ridden wives for new, younger ladies he’s been schtupping for several years. But no, it’s actually sleazier than all that, because this is Newt Gingrich we’re talking about. [...]
Hey, it’s all the stars from ’90s teen sitcoms. And Meghan McCain, for some reason. This was pretty much our reaction: [Politico via Mike Riggs]
Hey you guys, Elizabeth Edwards, that lady whose husband cheated on her, is now dying. Do you remember when John Edwards announced she was dying of cancer at the beginning of his 2008 campaign, but he was staying in the race so you would vote for him out of pity? Yeah, that campaign promise was [...]
Cigarettes are going to cease to exist forever because the FDA has unveiled new, scarier anti-smoking warnings that will cover 50% of the front of cigarette packaging. But because these warning pictures were made by bureaucrats, they’re not actually that scary. Where’s the photo of a cigarette chopping a guy’s dick in half? C’mon, government. [...]
Yesterday Barry Obama’s tanning tax went into effect across the land, adding 10% to the cost of every tan. Why are we getting this tax again? Oh right, because Obama’s already tanned and doesn’t have to pay for his golden brown. Also, he ObamaCares about you getting cancer. But he doesn’t care at all about [...]
Gross old liebot John McCain, whose entire head is made of skin cancer and bullshit, is having a very important policy discussion with “Snooki,” a bright orange dwarf who appeared on a chilling documentary about emotionally challenged adolescents left alone in a tacky vacation house to die of STDs. John McCain won’t tax you for [...]
Hilarious gay socialist Eric Massa has finally told the true story behind his “inappropriate remarks to a staffer,” and you know, after reading his sincere account, we have to agree that nothing weird happened at all, just some totally normal red-blooded American Straight Man having fun at a wedding, drinking fifteen gin & tonics and [...]
