colorado
As Weigel notes, this woman doesn’t actually say what Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes did to her, or even who she is. Did Maes steal her Social Security checks and then rape her, or did he rape her and then steal her Social Security checks? It turns out that Maes asked her to help [...]
Some unscrupulous facts on the internet want you to believe that Colorado’s almost-governor Dan Maes was never a secret agent, perhaps because Dan Maes told the news reporters that his famous stories about being an undercover policeman were not actually “true,” per se. And they believed him? Ha ha, fools. Guess what: Dan Maes lied [...]
Colorado gubernatorial candidate and United Nations bicycle conspiracy whistleblower Dan Maes will win the War on Drugs, because he is a former undercover police officer who knows how to drug-raid the wrong house and then shoot the evil drug dealer/harmless old man’s violent pit bull/miniature poodle. (When Dan Maes is governor the first thing he [...]
Tom Tancredo is engaged in a noble quest to keep the Colorado governor’s race as hilarious as possible, and he is not disappointing! We all know Tom’s big thing is immigration, but how can you work that into your quixotic third-party run for the governorship of a state that doesn’t even border Mexico? We’ll probably [...]
Colorado Tea Party maniac Dan Maes managed just barely to win last week’s GOP gubernatorial primary, because his opponent was a plagiarist and because only he dared to tell the truth about the Communist bike-sharing evil that threatens to destroy America forever. With that tough race over, will the Colorado Republican party, led by the [...]
Can you feel the pulsing excitement? It is a primary night, one of only sixty or so Primary Tuesdays this year, so far. Anderson Cooper has a special report on the Jet Blue flight attendant who just HAD IT with his job/people/etc., and Fox News has Bill O’Reilly talking about, uh, Rudy Giuliani? With some [...]
Coming to you live from Thugtown USA—i.e. “Obama’s backyard,” or Chicagotown, where there are no races or post-racial relations at the polls to watch today. So let’s watch everybody else’s races! At this moment we are still awaiting the results of the Georgia gubernatorial primary runoff starring Republicans Nathan “the Real Deal” Deal and Karen [...]
Things are fucking HOT AS HELL in tonight’s primaries, if you can imagine what a sexy Georgia looks like. Though we called the race for Nathan Deal because his supporters set up a kiddie pool of grits, the GOP gubernatorial primary results in the Annoying-Peach-Pit State remain close. In Connecticut, Linda McMahon is rasslin’ her [...]
There are important elections. And then there are MICHELE BACHMANN elections. Tonight we journey to Minnesota, Connecticut, Colorado, and Georgia: “Gee, I cut onto a mooing nostril accordance” is your prescient anagram of these states. What does it mean? We will soon find out. Polls have just closed in Connecticut, an hour after Georgia. Minnesota [...]
Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew [...]
Primaries today in Colorado and other, less amusing states, like Georgia and whatever. In addition to the nonstop comedy Colorado has already provided us, there is an exciting new scandal: a big ol’ story in the New York Times described a money-losing scheme Senator Michael Bennet got involved in while Denver’s superintendent of schools, with [...]
Senate Democrats and Maine’s two Communist Republican ladies voted to give money to the states, hooray! This means that state governments won’t have to lay everybody off. Olympia Snowe said that “this should be sort of the final down payment,” which means that…the Federal government now owns the states, having bought them on the installment [...]
Dan Maes is in a tough spot! He’s running for the Republican gubernatorial nomination in Colorado against a known plagiarist, and if he wins the primary he’ll just have to take on Tom Tancredo and the awesomely named “Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper.” How do you set yourself apart in that sort of field? Hmm, “Declare [...]
You might remember “Dick Wadhams,” the Colorado GOP chairman with the funny name who was bleating about how Tom Tancredo shouldn’t run for Colorado Governor a couple of weeks ago. And if you have a really long attention span, you might remember him as the guy that Slate dubbed “Karl Rove’s heir apparent” in 2005. [...]
Colorado Democrat Andrew Romanoff is having trouble raising money for his Senate primary campaign against Sen. Michael Bennet, so he decided to go the “desperate homeless man making bad decisions” route, as he sold his house and gave to his campaign the $325,000 he got out of it. “I’m never home anyway,” Romanoff said. And [...]
