Wonkette

We have received another FIRST-HAND REPORT from an attendee of last night’s Congressional Baseball Game during which Congressman Chip Pickering’s metal bat hit some guy in the face and made him bleed everywhere. It is so FIRST-HAND, this report, that the source was the person who actually held a towel to the guy’s mauled head to stop the bleeding! According to this person, Chip Pickering was not trying to hurt this person when he hurt this person. Oh! MORE »

The ancient snow troll who coined the most tired Internet phrase in the universe and who wanted to build a bazillion-dollar bridge to his Arctic Palace for Alcoholic Vietnam Vets ‘N Herring may soon leave the Senate seat he has occupied since 1812. That’s right — Ted Stevens faces some sort of opponent in his latest re-election bid. And he’s losing to this Democrat nobody! MORE »

Chip Pickering, the Mississippi Congressman who’s retiring to spend more time with his divorced family and mistresses, participated in last night’s annual Roll Call Congressional Baseball Game one last time, for the fans. If you would like a recap of last night’s game that cannot go three words without divining about what it portends for the election, we recommend The New Republic. We’re more interested, however, in an alleged incident that an eyewitness tells us about, involving our friend Chip: that he let go of his aluminum bat during a practice swing in the on-deck circle, letting it soar into the crowd and destroy some man’s face. MORE »

Alaskan Congressman Don Young, whose wife is a leading advocate of Capitol Hill’s chattel slavery economy, has a new pet project: the interstate slave monkey trafficking business. Now many of you are French and liberal and probably assume this harbors racial connotations. Well you keep eating that cheese, Jacques, because we’re talking about actual slave monkeys and not America’s lovely black people. Back in June, see, the House passed legislation banning the interstate sale of monkeys. How idiotic — leave it to the United States Congress to ban the economy’s most important industry in the middle of a recession. On Tuesday, however, Congressman Young introduced a new piece of legislation to amend the overreach of the previous one: it would “allow for the interstate transfer of specifically trained capuchin monkeys, who help severely disabled people with daily activities.” MORE »

Everybody in California’s 26th congressional district got this crazy-ass ALL CAPS hand-written freakout from beloved conservative bachelor David Dreier today. You can read the second page of ALL CAPS “MUST DRILL 4 OIL AT SEA WORLD OR ISLAMO FASCISTS WILL KILL KILL KILL” in the comments of basically all blogs everywhere.

President George Bush Jr. today lifted the executive ban on domestic offshore drilling for oil and natural gas, the same ban that his liberal father instituted 20-ish years ago. Take that, old retreating hack! But before the oil companies can start drilling off of your dock, Congress must lift its ban. Well that should be tough! We predict that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will whine about this for a good week, maybe 10 days, but should have a piece of drilling legislation ready for Bush’s Rose Garden signin’ desk by next Friday. [Bloomberg]

So what’s been going on with our greatest Vice President, Richard “Dick” Cheney, since we last spoke? Nothing much, just some new revelations about Cheney bein’ Cheney, hatin’ on the environment and such. In this latest news cycle, we have the tale of that time Cheney’s office once edited out six pages of the CDC director’s testimony to Congress regarding this: “CDC considers climate change a serious public health concern.” Silly egotistical CDC director. She’s obviously one of those people who gets pissed when her editors shake things up a bit — cutting commas, switching grafs, deleting major theses about climate change killing everyone, correcting split infinitives even if they do “sound” better. Any editor has dealt with these twits. We sympathize, Dick. [Washington Post]

• DISRESPECT TOWARD OUR LEADERS: A new Rasmussen poll: “This month, just 9% say Congress is doing a good or excellent job.” Here’s a poll question Rasmussen should consider for the future: Can you name a single issue Congress is currently working on? [Rasmussen]

Charles “Chip” Pickering is the only Mississippi Republican left in the House. He is the ultra-conservative son of famous racist/civil rights champion and retired federal judge Charles Pickering. Chip announced in August that he was quitting Congress so he could, of course, spend more time with his family, and get a lucrative lobbying job. The lobbying job will surely come, but on Friday it was announced that Chip is divorcing his wife so he can spend more time with all the various women he’s been connected with over the years. What, a Republican in Congress who commits adultery with the opposite sex? MORE »

• THIS WILL TURN OUT WELL: House Republicans would have to win back 19 seats in November to “Reclaim Our Majority,” which is why Roy Blunt’s big plan is to back exactly two GOP challengers. [TPM Election Central]