constitution
Oh, Florida, it is America’s treasured swampland. It is a place ruled by those important “small town values” and giant biblical structures donated by local highway construction hot-shots. Or at least it was, until some Jesus-hatin’ foreigner came in and ruined everything, because that is how these stories go. Thank the Almighty for the USA [...]
At some point during the Iraq War, the United States decided not only to torture and unlawfully imprison all the furriner brown people it could get its hands on; it also decided to start torturing and unlawfully imprisoning its own citizens as well. Hooray for totalitarianism! During the war, Old Rummy Rum gave one of [...]
But, Arizona state senate president guy, how are we supposed to distinguish ourselves from the brown hordes? Are you saying they have the same status as white “Americans”? PEARCE: U.S. history, most of us weren’t around when the Constitution was written. But you remember we kind of existed before Congress, the states. We created the [...]
Dear Birthers: It’s okay, I’m white. Listen up, you guys: I like what you’re doing. I do. It’s very entertaining. Even your name is funny! Your undying Birther devotion to your initial impulse that the president of the United States “doesn’t seem like he’s from around these parts” is adorable. But I’m afraid this birth [...]
What a boring Friday! Why is that Loughner kid not doing anything crazy? There are so many reporters there in Tucson, ready for him to lick a bailiff. What are we supposed to talk about, each vote in that RNC election? Meh. Or that the new Utah senator says the ban on child labor is [...]
Whoa what even happened in the House of Representatives today? Those dudes are trying to prove they can read? Very fancy. Our special U.S. GOP Terror Threat Alert Robot can also read, with her mind, which is a computer chip from a spaceship. And the Wonkbot TSA-1138 has now been programmed to read the Facebook [...]
House Republicans are making a good start on not doing much of anything for the next couple years by their reading the Constitution. How could a Teabagger oppose such a thing? Oh, right. And oh, right, our president was born on the other side of the globe in Kenya, not on the other side of [...]
For Teabaggers, it seems, the older the law, the better. Everything we need is in the Constitution, because it was written at the beginning. Even though back then, people had no idea what America was going to look like or, really, what it should be. And even though the beloved founders failed miserably at their [...]
John Boehner will create more jobs today by forcing members of Congress to take turns reading passages from the United States Constitution, because one of the new “rules” is that the 112th Congress has to “do something third graders would do, in social studies class” before they can begin the business of the day (shouting [...]
Just when Teabagger parents thought they could have as many poor welfare children as they wanted, the big scary government child services came in and decided it could TAKE AWAY THEIR CHILDREN just because they are members of a Teabagger group that wants to protect the Constitution (with guns). This is all according to Jonathan [...]
Joe Miller was on Fox News today, addressing Anger Bear Todd Palin’s e-mail to him. And of course he was asked if he thinks Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, the thing Todd got so upset about that he very suddenly became bad at grammar and spelling. So Joe Miller, ready to put the [...]
For some reason (publisher needed to go bankrupt for tax reasons?), somebody gave Dana Milbank a book deal. It’s out today, and it’s about Glenn Beck and entitled Tears of a Clown: Glenn Beck and the Tea Bagging of America, because Dana Milbank must want to be the next Ed Schultz or something. To drum [...]
Wow, Constitution Day is already here? Looks like the holiday season that began last week with 9/11 is nearly over and we all will have to go back to work soon. So what do we do on Constitution Day? BLASPHEME! This holiday was created in 2004 when the late Robert Byrd stuck it into a [...]
