daily briefing
Racing to beat the Monday opening of world financial markets, European leaders decided, “Eh, how about a trillion dollars, would that work?” And then somebody screamed (in German), “IDIOT THIS IS ABOUT THE EURO.” And then everybody was all, Right, Euros, that’s kind of the problem, isn’t it?” So, this 750-billion-Euro package of loans and [...]
Greece, which would just be some lazy Balkan/Island place nobody worried much about if it still had drachmas instead of Euros, erupted in terrible violence after grim new “austerity measures” were announced. People are going insane, basically — how else do you explain throwing gasoline bombs at a bank building, with your fellow humans inside, [...]
The Nightmare in the Gulf of Mexico claimed another victim Monday: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s big plan to fund California’s cash-starved state parks with offshore drilling along the coast where the most popular state parks are located. It was the kind of brilliant piss-everybody-off scheme that Schwarzenegger has excelled at during his seven years as governor. So [...]
Got babies, somehow? Then you’ve probably got a half-dozen plastic bottles of Kiddie Motrin and Wee-One’s Tylenol and Lil’ Benadryl and maybe even “Children’s Sugar-Free Zyrtec” in the medicine cabinet. DO NOT USE IT, there is something very vaguely wrong with all of it, go to the website and follow the confusing instructions to get [...]
Were you all bummed out because the Goldman Sachs investigation was just this wimpy little civil suit from a bunch of bureaucrat nobodies at the SEC, whose only enforcement power is imposing tiny fines on impossibly rich people? Fear not! Now federal prosecutors are sniffing around this slimy cadre of villains. Soon there will be [...]
This week’s stuff we can’t stop from pouring out of the Earth’s crust is … oil! And like that Icelandic volcano, the Gulf oil spill is one of those disasters you hear about and then forget and then it keeps popping up in the news again and suddenly it’s UH OH NO WAY TO STOP [...]
Remember when the Europeans all gave up their funny money for the sober euro, and they were One Continent, United, Forever, no more wars, hooray? Well, uh, it turns out that maybe that isn’t working out so well? Nobody wants to lend Greece any money, which in turn makes it hard for it to borrow [...]
The results of many tragic health studies were dumped on America last night, and the prognosis is Awful. You already knew 67% of us were overweight or obese, but did you know nearly half the adults in this country suffer from either high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes?
New financial regulations seem likely to become law, are publicly welcomed by most Wall Street fat cats, and have been put together in about as bipartisan a manner as is humanly possible in 2010. As a result, Republican senators went on the teevee yesterday to puff up and lie about how there’s no way in [...]
Swollen has-been and serial divorcer Newt Gingrich took a break from drooling on his Easter candies to tell a small crowd of wingnuts in York, Pennsylvania, that teabaggers will be useful as the “militant wing of the Republican Party.” Why does he want these nice old white ladies to turn away from their forwarded emails [...]
In honor of the single day each year when we remember that we live on an actual planet and not aboard some weird cruise ship in space full of giant baby-people, America’s politicians will pass comprehensive climate-change legislation and embark upon a grand mission to build a new economy based on renewable energy and sustainable [...]
Did you get all stoned on the marijuana yesterday? Experts say this might’ve been because of “4/20,” when the Founding Fathers finally got their damned taxes done and just cold smoked out. There is continuing controversy over Hitler’s involvement in the holiday, which is also a time of day each afternoon when everybody also gets [...]
Terrifying Chicago thug and life-saving superhero Rahm Emanuel made it official last night: If Richard Daley doesn’t run again, Rahm wants to be Mayor of Chicago. “That’s always been an aspiration of mine,” Rahm told Charlie Rose during a secret televised conversation, “even when I was in the House of Representatives.” Now who will Eric [...]
A bunch of paranoid gun fanatics will gather today at two federal parks on the Virginia side of the Potomac, taking advantage of new federal legislation signed by President Barack Obama, and using a federal park permit, to protest the federal government taking away the rights of paranoid gun fanatics to brandish their weapons and [...]
Teabagger/National High Five Day may be over, but the filth and the fury will live in our hearts at least through this morning. One collateral victim of the Crazy Crowd: Teevee heartthrob Sean Hannity, who planned to perform his variety show as the headline act at some Cincinnati Teabag Event, until Fox News bosses realized [...]
