Wonkette

Every winter the news reports come rolling in that some nice old lady in Maine is starving to death under a bundle of cats because she can’t pay her heating bill. Usually you will start seeing these stories in January or so. But in this great beginning of our New Depression, the bad news is rolling in extra early, and from more southerly climes. MORE »

• Christian Kids in Virgina are trying to convince libraries to balance their “pro-gay” collections with books about how Jesus writes passive-aggressive Twitters or whatever every time a gay person smiles. [Washington Post]
• Major Fenty fired one of his neighborhood services coordinators for refusing to buy him Chamomile tea. It helps him sleep at night, dammit!  [City Desk]
• Here’s how your friends in Adams Morgan got wasted during last night’s debate. (Spoiler alert: It was Jello shots, mostly.) [Fishbowl DC]
• A Metro operator did this racist thing in which he talked about people wearing towels on their heads, but only because of how much he loved the Redskins. And what’s more American than that? [DC Examiner]
• Some Slovakian triathletes took pictures of some Virginian children going to school — because they love school buses! [WTOP]

The weekend is, fundamentally, a series of days, two days, in which Americans have a choice — an important choice — for the states, federally. But even not all Americans are going to agree, absolutely, so that’s why we have choices in terms of the law of the land, in this great nation of Alas– America. The United States. For all people really, and John McCain has always said culture is the key to, embracing America, on a state level, for the good folks in Washington DC. MORE »

Every autumn, the Germans celebrate German Christmas, or “Oktoberfest.” This is the weekend for many such festivities. So go, drink beer and eat wursts, and celebrate the virgin birth of European Jesus. For you pagans, there’s also going to be a discussion at Politics & Prose about whatever it is Barack Obama does in Mississippi on Friday. MORE »

Hey can you believe that after this week you can still afford to even read this website, for free? But still, what better way to spend the remainder of your savings than forgetting that all this economic tragedy happened at all, by taking advantage of “wine tastings” in Maryland. Or, alternatively, there’s German trance music and a pretty Colombian actress. MORE »

• This mom just gave her daughter some vodka, so why was she arrested for giving her child the best 13th birthday party ever? Was it because later that 13 year old went to the ER with alcohol poisoning? Or was it because the jealous police were just a bunch of losers when they were in middle school? [DCist]
• This DC police officer was arrested for embezzling $180k using some complicated speeding ticket scheme that turns out not to have worked anyway. [WTOP]
• Maryland farmers can no longer dump chicken feces in the Chesapeake. It’s only now this is being mandated. [Washington Post]
• There are more people than ever riding the Metro and for shorter distances than ever. [DC Examiner]
• Oh, finally, some much-needed vapid musings about orchids, and some inept drawings of some other people, who are all missing several limbs, who also muse vapidly about orchids. [Washington Independent]

Ever since its founding by George Washington in 17-whatever-something, the District of Columbia has never heard the thrilling ring of gunfire. Finally, after more than two centuries of firearm-free boredom, Washington will get its very first guns, this month! MORE »

So apparently Dana Milbank used to visit Keith Olbermann’s show every now and again, until he didn’t any more, because he called Barack Obama presumptuous. Now Milbank will be mean to Barack on CNN instead, and maybe grow a creepy Wolf Blitzer beard. We never watched this fellow on Countdown, assuming that if something were important enough, it would be brought to our attention. (Photo via FishbowlDC.) [Politico]

Here is some proof that America’s lobbyists remain some of the world’s sturdiest boozers: employees of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce recently ran up an $8,204 bar tab in a single wild evening celebrating the end of their softball tournament at The Exchange. And then they acted like a bunch of cheap whining assholes, complaining that the bill included an 18 percent tip. So what were these drunk idiots ordering, Nebuchadnezzars of champagne from Thomas Jefferson’s secret stash? Alas no, because Ted Kennedy already drank it all. MORE »

Have you heard of this secret society called the Cardboard Tube Fighting League? They plan on infiltrating the National Mall on July 26 for some good old-fashioned papergoods warfare, and they will take all comers. How much would you pay to engage in this exciting activity? Several hundred dollars, you say? Joke’s on you, suckers, it is FREE. MORE »

Oh guess what, there is going to be a new, gritty reality show about the mean streets of Washington. It is going to be just like The Wire, but will instead follow the lives of a bunch of rich white southern gals who own clothing boutiques or whatever. Jesus fucking christ. [Yeas & Nays]

• D.C. BLOGGER SHOT: Media Consortium reporter Brian Beutler was gunned down in Adams Morgan “pretty much directly in front of Andrew Sullivan’s apartment.” Beutler and a buddy were walking from the Black Cat to The Diner late Tuesday night when two teen-age gangsters tried to mug them, and Beutler was shot at least once. He’s in the hospital, his spleen was removed, and he’s supposed to make a full recovery. Beutler’s been reporting on U.S. torture and the ongoing FISA outrage. [DCist/Reason/Gawker]

DOES THIS MEAN THAT IT HAS TO STOP?: “WASHINGTON - A Metro station manager and a Metro custodian were arrested on prostitution charges after an undercover transit police investigation found they arranged sexual trysts for money from inside the Dupont Circle Metro station.” Oh boy! Apparently the station manager was the contact on a flier advertising “sex trips” to Brazil. Are those still on, or do we get refunds? [Examiner]

They’ve been talking about it for a while, but the ACTIVIST judges of the Supreme Court today struck down Washington, D.C.’s ban on handgun ownership, voting along Ideological Lines. Hooray! Because we all have guns, and now we don’t have to hide them under our pillows with the safety off anymore, which was not safe in the first place. Justice Antonin Scalia’s majority opinion went along the lines of: “If a bunch of blacks in Anacostia shoot each other, how the hell does that affect me, Tony Scalez?” [Washington Post]