detroit
Do you own some terrible old car? Probably not! But you might be making payments on some terrible old car. Communist Premier Nobama and his Duma-Politburo (the House and Senate) have got a great deal for you: Just trade in your gas-guzzling sticker-covered crapmobilie full of McDonald’s bags for a shiny new better-mileage-getting Automobile of [...]
Back when George Bush was the 36th best president of the United States, he suggested that the incoming administration appoint a Benevolent Despot Emperor of Automobiles, colloquially known as a “car czar,” to tend to the heaping pile of unsold inventory and feces that is the American automotive industry. And it seemed like Barack Obama [...]
Sometimes comical ex-Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, was released from Detroit prison after 99 days of memorable anal sex (and a possible conversion to Muslin!) He was picked up by a private driver (remember to pay taxes on that!) and emerged to the screams of a full dozen insane “fans.” He remains on probation, duh, but [...]
America, meet your new presidential limousine, this scary-ass legoland 100-foot-long bumper boat. It is a General Motors Cadillac!
SELF-PARKING CAR WILL SAVE AMERICAN AUTO INDUSTRY: This is why Ford don’t need no stinking bailout — all it needs is some good old-fashioned frivolous vehicular techmologies nobody wanted in the first place! “The technology uses ultrasonic sensors on the front and rear of the vehicle, combined with electric power steering to angle and guide [...]
Here’s the main image on the RNC’s website: a calendar of George W. Bush, his wife Laura, and their little pooches. They are for sale of course! But no one will ever buy them after today, since George W. Bush decided to take $17.4 billion worth of existing funds from Hank Paulson — who likely [...]
The shameful publicity whore Barack Obama will be holding his FIFTH press conference of the WEEK today, while the ever modest George W. Bush holds his first in months. (Ha ha we kid, he tore himself away from his Wii to mutter some not-very-encouraging things about our teetering American economy, once, in early November. The [...]
Pat Buchanan has written a real ripsnorter of a column in the American Conservative about how the Republicans are a bag of salty dicks, for hating Detroit. Detroit could be worse — for example, they could be Japs: “But why this ‘Let-them-eat-cake!’ coldness toward U.S. auto companies? General Motors employs more workers than all these [...]
UGH: “DETROIT — Chrysler says it will close all 30 of its manufacturing plants for a month starting Friday.” It’ll be like a vacation for auto workers, except they won’t travel anywhere and will enter poverty. We just couldn’t afford that $14 billion loan! [AP]
Throughout 2008 we have relied on our beloved Detroit Free Press for exactly two things: transcripts of former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s fantastically erotic text messages, and blow-by-blow chronicles of the downfall of our once-proud American auto industry. Now the noble Freep and the other Detroit paper, The Detroit News, must fire some people and scale [...]
EVERYTHING ABOUT DETROIT IS DEPRESSING: Now it’s the home of both the worst manufacturing economy AND, uh, newspaper economy: “The leading scenario set to be unveiled Tuesday would call for the Free Press and its partner paper, the Detroit News, to end home delivery on all but the most lucrative days—Thursday, Friday and Sunday.” Porn [...]
The GOP’s two most important and popular “fixers,” Vice President Richard “Mitt” Cheney and Bush chief of staff Josh Bolten, spent yesterday on Capitol Hill in a closed-door meeting with Republican Senators, trying to persuade them to vote for the Bush-Democrat Motorcar Bailout plan of $14 billion. (Somehow, $14 billion has become a lot of [...]
Reporter David Leonhardt at your liberal elitist rag the New York Times has a little thingy today about how nobody wants to buy American cars these days, and this is why Detroit finds itself in such an awkward no-cash-havin’ situation. While it is true that nobody wants to buy American cars, it is also true [...]
The cranberry menace Nancy Pelosi says a government appointee should oversee the bailout of Detroit. This person will be called the “car czar,” in celebration of the Russian aristocrats who invented the American auto industry. And guess who will probably be our car czar, if Nancy Pelosi has anything to do with it? No, not [...]
Look at their sweet coordinated dance moves! It’s like that “Thriller” video, only at the end, everybody has to give them 39 billion dollars. [NPR]
