Wonkette

…which is why they are so obsessed with these matters of grave national importance. Thanks to Wonkette Operative Brian for bringing this to our attention.
[Washington Post/CNN]

Every four years, a mysterious combination of negligence, incompetence, fraud, and criminality conspire to make a single state responsible for getting some doofus into the White House. In 2000, Florida took the honor; in 2004, it was Ohio. And every four years, Hendrik Hertzberg writes angry editorials about how the whole electoral college should be bombed from space as a Republican takes office yet again. So which state will we be able to blame when Sarah Palin is hastily sworn in as America’s 45th president after John McCain expires from gout and agues in the spring of 2009? MORE »

Michael McAuliffe is a 45-year-old candidate for Palm Beach State Attorney with a marvelous plan to “reinvigorate” the staff at the State Attorney’s Office by covering their workspaces in a quarter-inch-thick felt made of human pubes, or something. Thanks to Wonkette operative JimmyJohn2 for the tip. [South Florida Sun-Sentinel]

Beth Allen, the wife of homosexual former Florida state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen, will not be deterred from Achieving! She is running for Brevard County Elections Supervisor, because someone’s gotta make a damn living in that household. Surely that county will have voting problems in the upcoming presidential election, and it will be gay Bob Allen’s family that has to decide the president. Barack can’t lose! [Orlando Sentinel]

Beloved pretend congresslady Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs lost her hundredth straight election the other day — losing a GOP primary runoff to some nobody — and now her dreams and even this sign are in the garbage, forever, along with an empty bottle of $2.99 “Barefoot Chardonnay” and some type of (Nazi?) lager bottle and enough coat hangers for a hundred Texas abortions. Farewell, sweet rodeo princess of our heart! Photo courtesy of Wonkette Operative “John.”

FINALLY SOMEONE LISTENS: From the distant burg of Winton, Australia: “The cattle farming town famous as the birthplace of Australia’s unofficial anthem ‘Waltzing Matilda’ chose its new mayor late Wednesday by drawing a name from a trash can after local elections ended in a draw.” If you also would like to forward this to Howard Dean and the DNC, you may do so here. [AP/CBS]

He never let us forget, and then we forgot for a few months, but now they don’t want us to forget again: The Political Bosses in New Jersey are considering getting America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, to run for Senate in New Jersey against America’s Jew, Frank Lautenberg. But was he in New Jersey enough when the 9/11 buildings fell? MORE »

Worry not, nation: vote-related activities are going smoothly in certain parts of Texas, so far. The Austin American-Statesman reports that “there are lines everywhere” in Travis County, whose largest city, Austin, was home to the bathroom shaming of the Clinton press pool last night. Oh and another county’s election-related Web site is up again after crashing this morning under a massive 21,000 page visits. [Austin American Statesman]

Here’s something that should cheer up the Paultards: while President Obama may continue destroying the Constitution, it could be worse — Iran’s government actually plans on turning off the Internet. As you may recall, this is the Paultards’ worst fear. According to Iranian news outlets, the government may block private access to the Internet during the nation’s legislative elections on May 14. They are worried that political parties could abuse it to spread “news information,” a recent evolution from the Internet’s original purpose, showing pictures of naked ladies. MORE »

Democrat Tony Sasso (Sasso, Sasso, has a nice ring to it) has defeated some guy by 400 votes to win the special election for Florida House District 32. It’s an important election on all levels, but coincidentally, this is the seat from which ex-Republican state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen resigned last year, after he was found guilty of offering blowjobs to everyone in the bathroom. Congratulations, SASSO! We half-wish the Republican challenger had won, however, since he would have been hilariously gay as well. [Orlando Sentinel]

Did you know that Americans aren’t the only ones to have elections? That’s right, the Foreigns do as well! Also, did you know that while American elections drag on for months and years like some grisly cavalcade of damned souls, many Foreign election campaigns are literally required by law to last only a couple of months? I know, it makes those crazy foreign lands sound like a wonderful paradise, if you can get past the cholera and the hairy armpits on the ladies! This week, take a look at some upcoming elections that will be long forgotten while our ass clowns are still jabbering away on the TV. MORE »

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is as ancient and snowy white as the craggy glaciers his people farm in the Land of the Midnight Sun. And despite the fact that he is 1,000 years old and knows nothing about the Internet and is under investigation for graft, he has boldly decided to run for re-election, again. MORE »

Last night, a saddened Mike Huckabee gathered with reporters and shared the contents of some private conversations he has had recently with his ego. “My ego doesn’t enjoy getting these kind of evenings where we don’t win the primary elections,” he admitted. His ego has not enjoyed many evenings this month. MORE »