elections
A bunch of retired professional football and basketball athletes have been running for office this year on the Republican ticket, to Take America Back and also reinforce the stereotype about jocks not being very bright. The aspiring-leader bunch includes “at least five” former NFL or NBA superheroes, Bloomberg News reports. Talk about tossing political footballs! [...]
South Carolina gubernatorial nominee Nikki Haley is best known for being a Republican MINORITY and being accused of having sex with people. But also: “Haley, a fiscal conservative and tea party favorite, cites her experience as an accountant on the campaign trail.” So it is funny that she never does her taxes on time. She [...]
The Detroit Tigers have miraculously beaten the White Sox and primary results continue to come in slowly from Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas, your Middle America triangle of excitement. We have yet to rule out Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox as the “Governor of Cox” and future source of plentiful dick jokes, but it doesn’t look [...]
Tonight Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas decide their futures. Choose one candidate, and everybody gets laid tonight by a hot person. Choose another, and we all drown in a giant America-sized vat of Liquid-Plumr. Which choice will they make? The Michigan state bird is the robin! The Missouri state bird is the bluebird! The Kansas state [...]
OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IF REPUBLICANS DO NOT KILL ALL OF THESE DEMOCRAT SPACE MONSTERS BEFORE THEIR MOTHERSHIP COMES! Yes, like the Democratic Governors Association, the RGA has come up with a movie trailer for this election to rile up their base. And it actually has much higher production value [...]
The Republican Party’s fastest rising star, 2006 re-election loser former Senator Rick Santorum, went to the big city last week to start making plans for Jesus and Rick’s Presidential Campaign Adventure 2012. Santorum, you see, raised more money for his PAC (really? are all these candidates really unemployed with nothing else to do?) than Mike [...]
After threatening hilariously last week, former Republican presidential candidate and very current birther / Muslin-hater Tom Tancredo has finally announced that he is indeed running for governor of Colorado, home of mile-high testicle oysters and the Broncos foot ball équipe. Tancredo is not contesting the Republican nomination, however, as he seems afraid to lose. Instead [...]
Congressman Zach Wamp is locked in a three-way battle for the Republican nomination for Tennessee governor (though it will ultimately go to a fourth candidate, Basil Marceaux), and so to give himself an edge he has resorted to the best talking point ever (after traffic-stop slavery emancipation), hinting that he maybe would like to secede [...]
Tips have been streaming in today to find “America’s Next Top Basil Marceaux,” and it appears the most worthy contestant just happens to be running against Basil Marceaux himself. “Crazy Man” James Reesor, as he calls himself, is an independent candidate for governor of Tennessee. And he actually has pretty good grammar and is sort [...]
When our friend Ernest J. Pagels, Jr., dropped out of his race for Senate earlier this week, we didn’t know if we could ever love again. But you know what? The universe works in mysterious ways. It started with a simple e-mail subject line in our tips inbox: “It’s okay to laugh at the mentally [...]
The Democratic Governors Association made this video to get the libtard bloggers excited at the Netroots Nation conference that starts today in Las Vegas. That was cool of them! Look, there is something of each of them in this video. David Paterson of New York sat at a computer and did ALL the video editing [...]
Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. was supposed to be the FUTURE. Now our paranoid schizophrenic angel has decided to give up on us after failing to make it on the ballot. Pagels called Wonkette, the world’s number-one source for Pagels information (besides that Wisconsin court database) to deliver the bad news. “I’m just letting you know [...]
Oh look, it’s our favorite blog, host.madison.com/wsj/news/ local/govt_and_politics/blog. We’ll just take a look-see at what’s happening at the old blog this morn — OH GOD. “Dear Wonkette: We love you so. But we have some terrible news for you. Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. is not actually a candidate for U.S. Senate in Wisconsin.” It seems [...]
