Wonkette

Oh sure it’s an old joke, mispronouncing House minority leader John Boehner’s last name (it’s really pronounced “Choire”). But still: ha ha, “penis.” Halperin YOU SCALAWAG, you totally had this in mind. [The Page]

Sorry, was it just yesterday that mean Ken Layne was mocking the AP for being so awful? Correction: Best news source on the planet … any planet. (Thank you tipster donner_froh.) [AP]

Yay it’s your weekly CNN headline funny! Pack up all your worldly belongings, board up the windows, and kiss your nice pets goodbye forever. Hurricane Ike sucked, but it’s nothing compared to this fearsome “Bush,” which destroys literally everything it touches. [CNN]

Since this news headline alone goes above and beyond our joke-per-post quota, we’ll leave it at that. As soon as we determine the nature of this oil sex — as in, was it consensual middle-management heterosexual sex or was it, say, Republican big shots ass-raping young male slaves? — we will decide whether or not to keep covering it. Any Interior Department staffers want to clue us in? UPDATE: It seems like heterosexual sex, boo. But was it vaginal? [AP/KTVU]

He probably raised the bills just high enough to be out of reach for a 12-year-old Thai slaveboy. Sexistracist. [TwinCities.com]

According to the textbook definition of “cultural hegemony,” MTV Arabia launched this weekend in an attempt to show Middle Eastern youths what their American counterparts were watching in 1984. Hopefully the new channel will never syndicate The Hills, because watching Spencer Pratt is known to encourage suicide bombings and other forms of jihad. MORE »

* Senate Republicans hope John McCain shows up to work so they can avoid a veto of the Iraq funding bill. Please note that we didn’t take the easy “soften stance on pullout” headline joke. [WP, NYT]
* Gonzales’ aide invokes her “fifth amendment right” while taking “an indefinite leave of absence.” We’ve come a long way as a society — a few years ago she just would’ve been “disappeared.” [WP, NYT]
* FBI so excited about their new anti-terrorism powers they’re doing donuts in the nations’ personal information parking lot. [WP]
* First Guantánamo detainee actually found guilty, entered the plea himself, and is Australian. Swarthiest possible actors will continue to be cast for every “bad guy” movie role, however. [WP, NYT, LAT]
* David Stockman is thankful there aren’t any emails to dig through from the Reagan administration. [WP]
* Lawrence Small tells Smithsonian board of regents they can take his job and shove it into a jewel encrusted urn. [WP]
* Jim Webb tells Capitol police they can take his gun from the cold, dead hands of his aide. [WP]

* Fun-hating media watchdogs want you to get election results from ticker tape machines. [Political Insider]
* If any judicial nominees go to a gay wedding, Sam Brownback wants it to be his. [The Angry Fag]
* Bill O’Reilly discovers secret DNC plot to smear Fox News. [Johnny Dollar's Place]
* Weekly Democratic communications meetings to focus on football and the weather now that Lieberman’s leaktastic flack is sitting in. [Potomac Flacks]
* No calls yet for phased troop withdrawal in the War on Christmas. [MoJo Blog]
* Reporters refuse to turnover sources to the Government unless given a 50 lbs. bag of Funions. [Romenesko]
* It’s hard to meet leftist chicks without being sooo into some radical activity. [Manifest Density]

Bush: Hard to Read North Korea’s Motives [AP/Yahoo! News]

Not to be confused with properly ignoring laws — you know, like jaywalking. MORE »