Wonkette

What is dumb Fox News doing now, hmm? It appears they aired a segment over the weekend called “Will High Gas Prices Cost Your Kids Their Education?” This, presumably, was to explain this secret classified report: If you have to spend more money on one thing, there is less money to spend on another thing. Fox News illegally leaked this homeland security information and, in doing so, spelled “education” as “eductaion.” We hope that this was not meant as satire — which the New Yorker magazine invented only last week and now look, IT’S EVERYWHERE — because a child’s education is no laughing matter. The thought of children being so illiterate that they cannot spell a common, phonetic word… well, just imagine living in a country of adult retards! [YouTube via Think Progress]

Here’s a fantastic new John McCain ad, about Gas Prices. It shows a gas pump in a stream of water. Oh no the water is a mirage! (But why is the pump in a mirage, hmm?) And then the narrator asks, “Who can we thank for rising prices at the pump?” as a million retards scream “OBAMA! OBAMA!” behind Obama’s fat head. Obama put the high gas prices in the middle of the mirage! Finally the narrator tells us, “Don’t hope for more energy, vote for it.” Because a “vote for energy” is a vote for a 72-year-old geezer, see? [YouTube]

This is one of the 500 e-mails sent by some committee associated with House Minority Whip Roy Blunt every fucking day. This time we opened it and it was actually quite funny, so maybe we should do that more often. There are at least 12 jokes involving puns, acronyms, gayness and fire in this, and each is funnier than anything a Democrat has ever said. [Republican Whip]

The National Surface Transportation Policy and Revenue Study Commission, created as part of the 2005 highway bill to give Congress some political cover to raise gas taxes, released its report today recommending that gas taxes be raised by 40 cents/gallon over 5 years. The national average gas price was $3.07/gallon yesterday, up 10 cents over the last three weeks. The Commission also recommends that, in 2009, transportation funding be based on miles driven rather than gas consumed, which would give a much-needed tax break to people who choose to drive huge gas-guzzling SUVs in time for the 2010 midterm elections. [CQ Politics, AP]

Wonkette is dedicated to bringing its readers the most up-to-date news in the War on Drugs available, from marijuana to cocaine and anything else we can find to “write about.” Today, we bring you news from the cocaine front of the WoD: prices are up! No, down! Well, both. We get some help focusing, after the jump.

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Yes, yes, pilots still insist on taking the sky, and submarine captains continue to opt for traveling underwater. MORE »

* House Democrats will be issuing a sternly worded “boo, hiss” proclamation about troop escalation in Iraq. [NYT]
* Intelligence used to justify the war in 2003 was manipulated by administration officials. You heard it here again. [WP, NYT]
* Barack Obama: the early years. [WP]
* President Bush is “liberated” by having no campaigns to hijack his otherwise sterling legacy. [WP]
* Someone needs to tell Al Gore he’s running for president. [TIME]
* The American economy don’t want no gas prices going up. Terror attacks maybe, just don’t fuck with the gas prices. [WSJ]
* Homeland Security employees plan to be extra demoralized today, as that’s what they’re supposed to be, and it’s Friday and all. [WP, USAT]

* Five “big unveiling speech” tips from Steve Jobs to George Bush, with love. XOXO. [Passport]
* Political-media-military complex is all about the dick, er, diction. [Think Progress]
* George Bush is a graduate of the, “love, blood, and rhetoric school.” But he knows full well you can’t have “love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory.” [Salon]
* Golden boy Eliot Spitzer clueless on the BCC function. [Potomac Flacks]
* Vogue reading set rushes out to buy Hummers — cause expensive gas will make us skinny! [Freakonomics]
* Jagged little pill Conrad Burns lost an election for being too close to lobbyists — is now a lobbyist. [TPM Muckraker]
* Hot new must-have download! Tony Snow’s conference call with right wing bloggers this afternoon! [Atlas Shrugs]

* “George Jr.” was too cool for Christmas cards long before he was too cool for facing political realities. [Daily Kos]
* The Inconvenient Truth parties taking place nationwide this weekend are a Godsend for those too nerdy to attend “ugly Christmas sweater” themed parties. [Washington Wire]
* OPEC celebrates Hanukkah by cutting oil production, “have eight crazy nights paying more for gas, bitches.” [Freakonomics]
* Exciting conspiracy theorists everywhere, the 2008 Presidential election could be decided by a Jewish billionaire midget. [Political Insider]
* But that’s fine, Americans are more tolerant than ever — unless a candidate has worked for the Bush administration. Then they’re fucked. [Political Wire]
* Fox News wants viewers to know that Tom DeLay isn’t a has-been Congressmen, but an Exxxtreme! to the max conservative force. [C&L]
* “Americans fat, lonely, frequently injured by bikes.” [MoJo Blog]

• President Bush signs border fence bill that neither himself nor Democrats think will actually get built, or if built, do any good. [WP, NYT]

• Opponents of gay marriage cheer pro-gay decision from New Jersey court, hope it will motivate large numbers of anti-gay voters whose homophobia had been dormant. [WP, NYT]
• IRS commissioner’s dubious ethics largely ignored by White House’s ethics lawyer who is his wife. [NYT]
• Hedging their bets for the next Congress, some corporations make last minute contributions to Democratic candidates. [WSJ]
• In a campaign season with record ad spending, you still only remember the ridiculous ones. [WP, WSJ]
• Gas prices may be down, but Exxon-Mobil’s profits aren’t. [WP]
• Black voter turnout negatively affected by ” past shenanigans,” positively affected by hatred of the Bush administration. [NYT]
• Donald Rumsfeld takes criticism from Republicans who don’t have a pressing campaign requirement to be against him, they just are. [WP]