Wonkette

No timetables for leaving Iraq, declares our George W. Bush! The terrorists would dine out on a timetable! This is why we do not have a timetable for leaving Iraq, even though the Iraqi government wants one (although they have elections too and may be PANDERING to bums who will be killed upon withdrawal[!]). Today, however, “The United States and Iraq have agreed to set a ‘general time horizon’ for the ‘further reduction of U.S. combat forces in Iraq.’” Ooh, this is the ticket. It’s sort of like saying “nothing will change at all, and this crap should temporarily appease both of our stupid constituencies,” but with a different set and sequence of words. [NYT]

The SFist just sent us this breaking news from San Francisco: “The ordinance initiative to changing the name of the Oceanside Wastewater Treatment Facility to the ‘George W Bush Sewage Plant’ will, in fact, be on the November ballot.” This is great news for everybody, as it will provide retaliatory amusement for San Francisco voters while confirming every “bunch-a gald-damned communist lezbo fruitcakes” wingnut cliche about Baghdad by the Bay. [SFist]

John McCain gave a speech at the NAACP convention today and, to publicize the event, his campaign authorized Dr. Ada Fisher, a Republican running for the House in North Carolina’s 12th district, to speak as an official surrogate to journalists covering it. That may not have been the best decision, however, as she offered some pretty inflammatory thoughts about how Barack Obama’s admitted past drug use should disqualify him from the presidency. According to Tampa’s WMNF radio — which sent Wonkette a partial transcription of its interview with Fisher, which they will air tonight — Fisher said, among other things, “We cannot have a nation high on drugs and have the President… as an example.” Thanks, Ada! Now we have to deal with this again. MORE »

So far this election season, the most effective labeling campaign against Barack Obama has come from a few thousand inbred adult retards who signed up for a free 500-hour AOL trial in 1997 and never had their service shut down due to a “clerical error,” which is what nowadays allows them to forward racist NOOBAMA chain emails back and forth with each other for entire afternoons at a time. The McCain campaign, on the other hand, has failed miserably to label Obama with each passing attempt, most of which are modest variations on either “how did this damn kid get on my lawn?” or “some Asians — Barack Obama, namely — tortured me in the military hundreds of years ago.” Today on a conference call, however, a McCain adviser touted the campaign’s new “thinking outside the box” ploy: Barack Obama is the same person as George W. Bush, the terrible and presiding leader of the Republican party. MORE »

Air Force logs and government radar reports released under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that a massive, terrible mystery aircraft barreled through the skies of Central Texas on January 8 — and it was headed for George W. Bush’s Crawford ranch at 2,100 miles per hour! MORE »

Yesterday, John McCain made a gaffe that no one cared about: he referred to the Czech Republic as “Czechoslovakia,” which is actually correct, but only if you think time froze in 1992. Does John McCain think this? Because today, for the second day in a row, he referred to that same country as “Czechoslovakia.” It turns out he has been making this same mistake regularly for most of his post-Cold War political career, but since he gives the Journalistic Reporters apple-flavored lollipops on his comfy bus every day, they choose not to write about it. The Main Stream Media’s inability to mention this exact gaffe, in fact, was something George Bush complained about during the 2000 primary season. And look how that turned out for him! MORE »

Here’s a snippet of President Bush’s fun press conference today, which Sara aptly described as “a portrait of a man slowly losing what’s left of his mind after eight years of exhaustion and failure.” MORE »

Oh, so our president is giving a press conference, talkin’ about the economies and offshore drilling and such? It’s a slowish news day, so we might as well liveblog this dealy. Fix yourself a triple Wonkettini and join us after the jump for whatever jokes we can muster about the limp Dow, and smacking Fannie into a state of renewed arousal. MORE »

President George Bush Jr. today lifted the executive ban on domestic offshore drilling for oil and natural gas, the same ban that his liberal father instituted 20-ish years ago. Take that, old retreating hack! But before the oil companies can start drilling off of your dock, Congress must lift its ban. Well that should be tough! We predict that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will whine about this for a good week, maybe 10 days, but should have a piece of drilling legislation ready for Bush’s Rose Garden signin’ desk by next Friday. [Bloomberg]

Dennis Kucinich is about to start cold representin’ in the House of Representatives, in which he serves as a representative, in about a half hour, or maybe right now! Or maybe he already did this, earlier today. (We are in a Mexican restaurant having some margaritas and eggs right now, so we are out of C-SPAN range.) Anyway, Dennis is introducing a brand new Articles of Impeachment against George W. Bush, who is busily having a fistfight with the air in Japan right now. And then Dennis will have a press conference. Or he already did. Somebody please send us a SHORT YouTube clip, but only if Elizabeth is there, in a bikini. So hot out! [Dennis Kucinich]