YOUR WONKETTE WILL BE TYPING THIS WEEKEND! On this first warm, sunny weekend in Washington, your editors have decided to forgo such Springtime activities as playing Xbox and hiding under the couch in order to cover the big House health care vote, somehow. So check in for some posts whenever the post-worthy stuff is going to happen, mostly on Sunday, after Church and Family Supper.

After Barack Obama sat on Dennis Kucinich’s face and farted constantly for 72 hours, with Joe Biden adding in some noogies for good measure, Dennis has finally agreed to vote for his party’s major piece of legislation. He had to hold a press conference to announce this. Thanks Dennis! [YouTube]

• REPUBLICANS DELIVER BONER TO JOHN MCCAIN: “House Republicans approved a conference-wide moratorium on earmarks on Thursday, one day after a House committee enacted a ban on for-profit earmarks. The Republicans’ moratorium is more extensive than the House Appropriations Committee’s ban in that it applies to all earmarks for all members of the caucus.” Oh COME ON, Democrats, with your watered-down PR stunts! You just got easily one-upped by the comical House Republicans on something so basic and cable-friendly as banning stupid fucking earmarks for one year. Maybe consider taking one of those easy, clean-cut symbolic victories at some point? OH BUT BUT BUT WE WILL ONLY BAN FOW-PWOFIT ONES, WE’WE THE DEMOCWATS, WAH WAH, NUANCE, WAH, Jesus Christ.

Republican front-runner Go Ron Paul has endorsed Nancy Pelosi’s opponent in California! Did you know Nancy Pelosi had an opponent in California? It is apparently true. There have been other opponents, too, but none of them had the magic 19-sided-dice power of Doctor Paul. Good-bye, Mrs. So-Called Speaker of the House!

PETE STARK OUT AS WAYS & MEANS CHAIR: Nancy Pelosi has replaced sketchy old liberal placeholder Pete Stark with Sander Levin of Michigan, who will now have sketchy old liberal Charlie Rangel’s powerful House chairmanship. This message brought to you by Democracy. [Roll Call]

No time to waste!

From: <----------@gmail.com>
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Wed, Mar 3, 2010 at 12:25 AM
Subject: Our friend, Rep. Steve King

Dearest Wonkette,

I wanted to alert you to a great injustice done to me - a citizen - while observing proceedings in the gallery of the People’s House this evening. MORE »

Okay okay okay let’s try to get this all organized… nope, not gonna happen, so here’s the deal: We have no idea where to begin with this Obama/House Republicans group sex therapy rehab session that just took place, on teevee. It was very very strange. So here’s… something? It’s one of the parts where Obama tells Republicans to cut the shit, please. It’s nice that he tries. Maybe. This is some wacky wacky politics, and everyone will be confused about the “winner.” Let’s just declare Ron Paul the winner again and go eat some nachos. [YouTube]

A super-angry teabagger sent four hand-scrawled pages, including this one, to a House office today — all fed into the fax machine upside down, but thanks to extremely crazy pressure on the Sharpie, we can read the whole message backwards! MORE »

The Senate went to work on a Sunday — Hanukkah Sunday, we bet! — and desecrated the grave of the Stillborn Jesus to give hundreds of billions of dollars to themselves and their favorite government programs. The bill okays $447 billion for whatever federal agencies plus $650 billion to keep funding teabagger welfare programs such as Medicare, which pointlessly extends the miserable lives of old white people with no money. MORE »

SCALING BACK AMBITIONS, HEH: What the banks and mortgage giants killed in the House’s latest bullshit Financial Regulation bill was the “Cram-down” legislation, which would have let bankruptcy judges force lenders to accept not only lower, fixed interest rates on underwater home loans, but also give judges the power to reduce the principal to reflect current (dismal) market value. MORE »

HOUSE PASSES BILL TO PRETEND-REGULATE WALL STREET! Oh look, the House finally passed a financial regulation bill, its third major legislative feat of the year. Now, as usual, it will go to the Senate to die. Not that this bill has anything even resembling teeth in it at all: “In preliminary votes ahead of the measure’s approval, lawmakers scaled back the bill’s ambitions slightly in ways that may increase its chances of overcoming objections from powerful financial interests.” Phew! [NYT]

Doug Hoffman, the wingnut geek who forced the Republican out of New York’s 23rd congressional district special election but then lost that election to the Democrat and then proceeded to concede and later unconcede, finally admitted defeat (again) today, which caused the spontaneous pregnancy of Sarah Palin (again) and the immediate sale of 1 gazillion copies of Palin’s book, I’m Awesome. MORE »

Anh “Joseph” Cao was the one Republican to vote for health care reform tonight. Teabaggers are cool with that, though, no problem, guy just has a heavily Democratic constituency. [Twitter search "cao"]