illinois
Here’s Democratic lieutenant governor candidate Scott Lee Cohen, of “tries to stab and murder his prostitute girlfriend” fame, trying to “clear his name” on the teevee yesterday or maybe today. Also: no alimony payments, steroids… good lord! Was his primary opponent Rod Blagojevich? [YouTube]
ILLINOIS DEMOCRATS HAVE REAL WINNER ON THEIR TICKET: Uhh… “It turns out the winner of the Democrats’ lieutenant Governor’s primary in Illinois has a pretty nasty assault rap for attacking his girlfriend back in 2005. According to police reports he slammed her head against a wall and left ‘mild abrasions from [a] knife wound’ on [...]
Dennis Hastert, you remember this comically repellent monster? Once he was a Speaker of the House, and then he resigned to go work in George W. Bush’s secret cryogenics laboratory where he toils to this day trying to make the Earth’s largest dildo out of recycled human organs. Anyway, Hastert has a son who wanted [...]
Libtards across America think it would be just fine to put Guantanamo detainees in a maximum-security prison in northern Illinois, where they could paint each other’s fingernails while threatening to unleash a biological attack on “the mainland” (Iowa). But some people find this objectionable, and so they went to a public hearing on the proposed [...]
Today is THE DAY, the first day of the new Supreme Court, starring Sonia Sotomayor. The first case is something about how long is too long to wait to call a lawyer after being arrested. Oh! Well! How long is too long for your Wonkette to wait to discuss the excitement that is the thing [...]
Illinois political legend and pyramid builder Roland Burris will not run for re-election in 2010, according to various Chicago street organizers. And, because he wasn’t elected in the first place, he will also not do that, run for election. This will be announced tomorrow at Michael Jackson’s Friday News-Dump Memorial Service, to be held deep [...]
Not enough evidence, apparently: “Sangamon County State’s Attorney John Schmidt said that while some of Burris’ statements were vague, they wouldn’t support a perjury charge.” Illinois Senator Roland Burris, who at first appeared to be just another grandstanding egomaniacal doofus with a mausoleum fetish, has navigated the halls of the Senate — to say nothing [...]
Who says nobody needs yesterday’s news and a bunch of old wire stories and couch ads thrown in your neighbor’s bird bath at 4:15 a.m. every day? The Chicago Tribune, one of our nation’s leading bankrupt newspapers, today offers this Roland “Pinocchio” Burris paper doll, so your poor kids can have something to play with [...]
OMG IT IS NEWS, TODAY, BUT NOT ABOUT TEA OR BAGS. The disgraced Illinois fucktard Rod Blagojevich would like to appear on a reality show, provided a judge will loosen his travel restrictions. The show is called I Am a Repulsive Human Merkin, Get Me Out of Costa Rica! Should he actually get permission to [...]
“obfuscator” sends word from the Baggers Convention in beautiful Springfield, Illinois, “on the very steps of the same capitol building which served as the the launchpad for Barry Hussein Nobama’s political career or was that William Ayers’ terrorfag breakfast nook? Lolwut. Enjoy. (There was also a guy wearing a sandwich board that simply said ‘BUY [...]
EXCITING NEW PROFILE OF THAT CONGRESSMAN MEGHAN McCAIN WANTED TO BONE: “Schock is ardently opposed to abortion and gay marriage—and he’s got the requisite scorn for Big Government. … Once you get past the likes and mans and you knows, the future of the GOP doesn’t sound all that different from the past.” Sexy! [Details]
It was a nail-biter, folks! Illinois’ 5th District held a special election after Rahm Emanuel left his post to go whisper evil imprecations in the ear of our malleable and naive young king, Barack Obama. Two contenders emerged: Cook County Commissioner and known Democrat Mike Quigley, and the deranged Freeper Rosanna Pulido. Ms. Pulido put [...]
Early this morning, in Wonkette’s Daily Briefing, we had this to say about Blago’s replacement: “There’s a new Illinois governor, right? And he is ‘squeaky clean.’ So god only knows what kind of kinky stuff will bring this guy down.” Now we know: New Illinois Governor Pat Quinn is one of the original practitioners of [...]
OH AND HERE’S SOME ACTUAL NEWS: “Blagojevich, 52, was indicted on 16 felony counts, including racketeering conspiracy, wire fraud, extortion conspiracy, attempted extortion and making false statements to federal agents. He allegedly abused his office in numerous matters to seek money, campaign contributions, and employment for himself and others, in exchange for official actions, including [...]
Rod Blagojevich, you are a hero — you are still giving to us, in the form of comic material, months after you’ve been removed from the Illinois governor’s office. (Not that you ever actually went to the Illinois governor’s office, but you know what we mean, you fuckin’ guy.) And today, a new scheme, or [...]
