BARS OPEN UNTIL 4 A.M.! Where will you drink for these next four magic hours? Overshare in the comments, nerds. Wonkette is now headed to Capitol Lounge for beers #73-#89, if anyone cares. [Capitol Lounge]
CRYPTIC DISPATCH FROM CHILDREN’S BALL: A Wonkette child operative writes this horrifying message about the kid’s ball, at which Barry and Michelle just slow-danced: “Youth ball is under siege: They aren’t letting people in and the crowd is on the brink of crshing.” Hmm, we do not know this latest youth slang, “crshing.” Is that [...]
Fellow Americans! As you can see above, your Comics Curmudgeon survived his journey into one of Washington’s many terrifying underground doom caves (where they really were singing “God Bless America,” followed by about thirty seconds of “Lean On Me,” until they ran out of widely known lyrics) when the glowing radiance of Barack Obama’s spiritual [...]
One of two things happened to Washington D.C. this afternoon: (1) Obama’s friends the Muslims snuck in one of those dirty bombs they make all the time and blew it up around Constitution and 5th, raining toxic waste debris across a five-block radius so as to kill Christians (2) Tourists threw their shit all over [...]
From his cushy, all-seeing perch in the bucolic deserts of California, Wonkette editor Ken Layne forced your modest associate editor to walk into the HELLISH acid pool that is downtown Washington D.C. to take photos of Obama and whatever. (If you decide to do this later tonight, one piece of advice: when encountering tourists, punch [...]
OBAMA’S FIRST VICTIMS? Prehistoric klansman Robert Byrd and/or Liberal Lion Ted Kennedy collapsed during the Congressional Lunch with the new president! Yikes. The lunch goes on. Be careful in there, everybody. UPDATE: Both of them! UPDATE II: No, just Teddy. [Politico]
COMICS CURMUDGEON INFILTRATES HALF-MUSLIN MALL MOB! Yes he did! Josh got in, and here is his tragic report: “Yes We Did! Near the monument. Screen distant, audio inaudible no cell reception. Got here in time to boo Lieberman.” Spoken like a true American Hero. Good luck getting home to Baltimore in a few weeks, Josh! [...]
‘NA NA NA NA, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE’: And that’s how a few million people say farewell to the helicopter taking Bush Junior back to prison, by singing this cheap song often heard at sporting stadiums, for Losers. Such cheering! Peggy Noonan, on MSNBC, jabbers about Reagan, as usual, and again notes the dignity and [...]
Oh man, he got away with it! He’s now president even though he was born in like Kenya or communist Africa or whatever! Enjoy being Muslims, America, because that is exactly what you became when Barry spewed his secret snake code all over Abraham Lincoln’s 400-pound brown hellbox, the Bible. Let’s liveblog his declaration of [...]
It is actually a beautiful, sunny day in Washington D.C., in the freezing winter! The people are hopey, happy, etc. Allah really does want this Barack Obama character to become president, of Earth. Let us now continue the patriotic liveblogging of this Inauguration Day Inaugural Special, from Washington, where somehow another Bush is not becoming [...]
METRO COMPLETELY DESTROYED BY 9:25 A.M.: Yeah so all that planning the city did to make sure public transportation operates smoothly on Inauguration Day? Utter failure. One 68-year-old gal falls on the train tracks and next thing you know, officials have to shut down Metro Center and Gallery Place/Chinatown, the two most important Metro stops, [...]
Barack Obama, such a busy man! He has run a million errands today, and it’s not even 11 o’clock. He has gone to church, and hung out with the Bushes for a little while, and now he’s going to pick up some steaks at the Safeway on 14th & D Sts. SE. Can he get [...]
So the absolute most worthless people on this rotten planet are liberals, filthy rat-sucking liberals, particularly limousine liberals from liberal Hollywood and their east coast enablers, the Non-Profit Outreach Directors. They get together for these Red Bull-fueled art parties on either coast a couple of times a year to literally masturbate to themselves. They have [...]
Your latest report from the brave yet doomed COMICS CURMUDGEON: “Attempted to get to mall at 7th, were told it was full and we should go to 14th. Now we are trudging through this Le Corbusier-style hellscape. We will end up watching the speech from Arlington, in an Olive Garden, obviously. Sent from my iPhone.” [...]
It’s time for our first official historical inaugural Inauguration Day liveblogging! Good morning, Hopeful America. We’ve got the Comics Curmudgeon on the ground, Jim Newell staggering around Capitol Hill with a broken camera, and the best political team on the internets, etc. Let’s gather together around our teevee set and make fun of the cable-news [...]
