iowa
Iowa Republicans have belatedly grown as tired of walking prescription overdose Michele Bachmann as the rest of Reality, only this time not for her acutely lunatic viewpoints and constant factual misrepresentations, but because she chronically shows up late to all of her scheduled events, refuses to mingle with the commoners or take their questions and then [...]
Oh, look whose handlers discovered fish-eye lenses and sepia filters! Insipid reality teevee grandma Sarah Palin released another mind-numbing Internet home movie about signing autographs in Iowa to share, for whatever reason, who needs a reason? Rat-faced freak show Karl Rove excitedly predicts she released this video because she is finally planning to jump into the [...]
Notorious pill-gobbling serial fabricator Michele Bachmann made up a stupid lie about how she went to her family reunion in Iowa and then made excuses to the press when she was late for everything that day on account of attending the reunion, which she did not attend. Klassy! Or did she? All we know is [...]
How did the pill-head nut Michele Bachmann “win” the Iowa straw poll when not even Republicans actually think she is good for anything but having a comical homosexual husband who deep throats corndogs with her, in public? According to a Wonkette tipster who wishes to remain anonymous because he totally loves Ron Paul and doesn’t [...]
2012 Fever is on the rise in Iowa, where hollow-eyed pillhead Michele Bachmann easily took the footlong patriotic corndog of freedom and also won the Iowa “Ames Straw Poll.” This is great news for America’s Comedy Industry, and sad news for any liberals who hoped Barack Obama might have to move a little to the [...]
Teevee Queen of Alaska and former star of “The Learning Channel” Sarah Palin is officially the Iowa State Fair’s Justin Bieber, for the living, breathing human lard monsters who have eaten their own weight times a thousand in fried diabetes on a stick and are now too ill to remember who they are or what [...]
Is everyone clutching a bottle of Advil in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other? Does it matter which hand is holding which? NO! Tonight we will watch all 83 GOP presidential candidates stand together on a stage in Ames, Iowa and real-life Twitter incomplete sentences with all the fury of James [...]
Aren’t there any presidential candidates any more who will bother to stand up for all the corporations in these weary times? Does Mitt Romney have to be the one to do it? Oh fine, he’ll just say it, he’ll say it right now, right here to this crowd of angry people standing in front of [...]
Oh hooray, it’s Snowbilly Grifter Grandma and her bus tour, rolling across the ruins of the American Dream once more. What was this bus tour called, again? The Trail of Tears? Probably something like that, and we were close to believing that Sarah Palin had really decided to snowshoe her way back to the wilderness [...]
There is some other GOP presidential candidate we never actually even heard of named Fred Karger, but he is according to some poll tied with Tim Pawlenty, which feels about right. Karger is also one of the vanishingly rare openly gay Republicans people hear about on quiet days when the wind is still, which means [...]
As part of some kind of traditional voter bribery ritual for Ames Straw Poll attendees, Rick Santorum has promised everyone that he will be the one to give away special jars packed with dead fetus preserves or whatever it is he grows in his basement. Haha, Santorum said, “preserves!” Apparently no one on Rick Santorum’s [...]
Rick Santorum is dragging his sizable brood to go live in Iowa for the rest of the summer and run his campaign, because “children are free labor.” Why else would God have given Rick seven kids? God is more stingy with money, however, and Rick has less than a quarter million in the bank, not [...]
Unloved reject Thaddeus McCotter is still, for some reason, trying to become president in 2012. He thought he was being super cool, revealing his plans at a “rock festival in Michigan,” also known as the Romeo Area Tea Party Freedom Fest, which is sort of like the exact opposite of a rock festival, happening out [...]
