So Maybe This Chubby Nobel Laureate Would Like To Be Vice President, Again!
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
Well, hell. This Sebelius gal won’t be Obama’s veep because she has a long face; Chuck Hagel won’t work because he’s a Republican; and Joe Biden won’t because … oh no wait maybe Joe Biden would work! Yeah, he’s got an okay face for it, and hair plugs, and “foreign” experience. But you know who would RULE? The fat one who made the slide show about climate change. MORE »
Well, hell. This Sebelius gal won’t be Obama’s veep because she has a long face; Chuck Hagel won’t work because he’s a Republican; and Joe Biden won’t because … oh no wait maybe Joe Biden would work! Yeah, he’s got an okay face for it, and hair plugs, and “foreign” experience. But you know who would RULE? The fat one who made the slide show about climate change. MORE »
Someday soon-ish, Barack Obama will have to pick a running mate. Alas, it has been many moons since a celestial human born without Sin walked among us, so Our Barry is forced to pull his vice president from a pool of reprobates, losers, and women who are too attractive to be paired with such a handsome man. Seriously! Join us on our tour of three prospective candidates who will never ever be vice president. 
Senator Joe Biden offers precisely two things in great abundance: hair plugs and talking. And recently, he has been talking about foreign policy, national security, and the number of offices he could hold in an Obama administration. He will be Secretary of State, Vice President, Chief Gigolo, Assistant Resident Window-Washer, and anything else a President Obama wants him to be. 
Wonkette Curseword-Monitoring Operative “Jared” sends us this screenshot of CNN’s Political Ticker from yesterday, back when Joe Biden was saying “bullshit” all over the place. The click-through is properly figleafed with a double asterisk, though. 
Yeah yeah, so Barack Obama had some silly little questions about battles at yesterday’s Senate hearings. The little twerp and his Columbia/Harvard “policy” doublespeak. The real tuff questions were asked by Senate Foreign Relation Committee chairman Joe Biden, the “Chris Matthews of the Senate.” Namely — tell me about all kissing going on in Iraq, General Petraeus? Is it hot and can I get some? 
AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK, 
Did you hear how there’s this really tight Democratic majority in the Senate that isn’t really enough to allow them to do very much? Gosh, it seems, then, like losing 4 Democratic Senators (and 1 “maverick” Republican) to the Presidential campaign might be problematic, especially if two of those 4 chair Committees! But now that Biden and Dodd are slinking back to D.C., they 
WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THE HAIR-PLUGGED DRUNKARDS? Well, Biden’s out. Good-bye, Joe. You are pretty smart for a senator, even if you’ve rarely been smart enough to shut up before you say something vaguely racist or just plain absurd. Maybe President Ron Paul will make you Secretary of State, right before the U.N. is destroyed.
The fourth place position in Iowa offers a spot in New Hampshire’s forum and GAME IS ON, SIRS. Because New Hampshire… New Hampshire’s the ticket! That’s where kings are made, in… New Hampshire… oh fuck it, just vote for the black guy.
It’s afternoon on the day of the Iowa caucuses (huzzah!), which is about time for the candidates that are obviously going to lose, that were always going to lose and lose badly, to make backup plans. They need 15% to make the second ballot tonight, but when has Dennis Kucinich, Joe Biden or Bill Richardson ever seen a number like that next to his name? But perhaps, for a little price, the ObaMafia can help them complete this task…