Wonkette

More information has leaked about the Straight Talk Express destroying America’s minivans in Miami on Wednesday, a.k.a. “The Monica Lewinsky Scandal.” What of the bus passenger asshole Joe Lieberman, was he hurt in the crash? No, but he was attacked by a biracial cake: “A little more to that Miami traffic accident yesterday involving Joe Lieberman aboard the Straight Talk Express: Turns out the impact sent a staffer’s chocolate birthday cake with thick white frosting smack into the Connecticut senator.” EAT IT UP, GRAMPY. MORE »

Here is a video of an adorable car nerd explaining why properly inflating your tires probably won’t save America. It has to do with math and numbers, YAWN! You see, we mustn’t assume that every single tire in the U.S. is horribly underinflated. However, it is apparently fine to assume that we have some sort of nationalized oil industry that will magically keep all 600,000 barrels of ANWR-produced oil within American confines, instead of selling it on the world market. Silly car hobo! [YouTube]

A leaked McCain campaign memo outlines the Republican candidate’s bold plan for the American economy. It goes something like this: WAR WAR WAR WAR TAXCUTS WAR. Applying some valuable lessons from our adventure in Iraq, the McCain economic “surge” will ferret out the last weakened remnants of the American economy and wage a bitter street-by-street countereconomic strategy until, in the end, we will be able to hand over stewardship of a penniless nation to our grateful children and grandchildren. MORE »

Do you have time to read a 45-page-long first-person alt-weekly newsfeature about John McCain’s long life of being a political crook in Arizona and how everyone there fears and hates him? Of course not! Lucky for you, Wonkette has a team of offshore article readers, in Bangalore, who go through this stuff and whittle it down to a simple Top Ten list. You are welcome for this Service Journalism. MORE »

Poor Straight Talk Express, it sure had an awful go of things yesterday. At some point, either before or after it crushed an elderly black handicapped war veteran hero’s minivan, some rascally kids put an Obama bumper sticker on it. Check out the first comment on this website, too: “We were planning on doing that in my home town in iowa with a Ron Paul sticker, but decided against it as we figured it would upset people rather than make them laugh.” Huh? [Political Irony]

BLACK AND WHITE: The American People see Barack Obama’s ads as positive, hopeful messages of hopefulness, while John McCain’s commercials are universally seen as cheap, bitter little sacks of negative bile. That’s why 48% of The People are tired of hearing about Obama. [UPI]

John McCain’s armored mammoth-of-death, the famous Straight Talk Express bus, completely destroyed a minivan making a right turn yesterday in Miami. The minivan was holding a black person, maybe, we don’t actually know. The Straight Talk Express was holding Joe Lieberman. *Just saying.* MORE »

You know how Barack Obama’s people have the whole “Fight the Smears” thing, where you copy and paste some text that says, “I’m very disappointed in you, Barack Obama does not worship the Shark God even though he is from Hawaii” and you spam it all over the place? Well, about FOUR MILLION YEARS after the Democrats came up with this crazy idea that they could “harness the power of blogs” or whatever, John McCain’s Internet wizards have finally unveiled their own version called, let’s see, Spread the Word. Because they are Capitalist Pigs, they offer material incentives to their “volunteers,” such as three minutes in heaven with Miss Buffalo Chip in exchange for spamming 4,000 liberal blogs with claptrap. MORE »

We told you how John McCain offered up his “old lady” to the biker mob at Sturgis, and then we showed you the awkward video, but now we must present this version, which begins with the incredible confession from McCain that he’s only allowed onstage as a warm-up midget for Kid Rock. MORE »