maryland
REGARDING THE FAT DUMB SWANS OF MARYLAND: This is the only important news story of the day, or year: “Everyone loves swans in Maryland! They’re very pretty. But some of them are mute! Those ones… well they are not so pretty and must be killed immediately… That means shooting adults or snapping their necks, and [...]
After abdicating, benign boner George W. Bush spent his days quietly playing Guitar Hero and landing juice box endorsements. But Jesus had different plans for Archdick Cheney. [Off The Grid] Amber Alert! Thousands of peeling, morbidly obese millionaires have been abducted in Maryland. Consult with your milk carton, leave no yacht barnacle or dead hooker [...]
There is a blue crab baby boom, in the Chesapeake! These baby boomer crabs are distinctive for sporting blue “aprons” around their midsection and for their affinity for waxing nostalgic about Saturday Night Live episodes that aired between 1975-1979. [Washington Post]
If you’re not genius enough to figure out the rules of kickball, then you might want to try dodgeball, which is so simple that common children play it every day, in America. The 4th Annual Dodging Diabetes Charity Dodgeball Tournament — that’s right, pretend the ball is a jelly doughnut and STAY AWAY — is [...]
Congratulations to Michael Steele, who finally beat out that actual Confederate slaveowning plantation owner to become the first African-American President of the United States! Maybe we should celebrate with something fun, like a national WAR WITH IRAN, hmm? Well, even though we were *praying* for the old white guy — a member of a whites-only [...]
Bethesda/Chevy Chase’s restaurant week begins today, HOORAY! Bethesda pretty much sucks, but they are trying.
Two of George W. Bush’s favorite lovers, Andy Card and John Bolten, held a fancy party where everybody got to pay $5 to french the outgoing president. They held the party in Maryland, of course, where the Law still allows those types of things.
Sweet lord Jesus, Gilbert Genn must love lobbying more than life. This proud lobbyist and former Maryland state delegate was leaving his house in Gaithersburg to go walk his dog and the next thing you know a terrifying deer wandered into his yard and started ramming him in the groin with its Antlers of Doom. [...]
This little shark in Virginia was immaculately conceived! How long until Baby Shark Jesus replaces Sarah Palin on the GOP ticket, to Appeal To The Base? [WTOP] Some geniuses are trying to encourage you to drink responsibly, by making you buy six beers when you only want one. [DCist] Hillary Clinton’s new email pyramid scheme [...]
Hey can you believe that after this week you can still afford to even read this website, for free? But still, what better way to spend the remainder of your savings than forgetting that all this economic tragedy happened at all, by taking advantage of “wine tastings” in Maryland. Or, alternatively, there’s German trance music [...]
This mom just gave her daughter some vodka, so why was she arrested for giving her child the best 13th birthday party ever? Was it because later that 13 year old went to the ER with alcohol poisoning? Or was it because the jealous police were just a bunch of losers when they were in [...]
Meet Huck, a Maverick golden retriever who discovered turpentine in a Rock Creek Park stream. He played in that stream for 5 1/2 years. [City Desk] Maryland will eventually be as hot as the desert city of Phoenix, but at least it will be more humid! [DCist] Mayor Fenty is anti-union, according to unions, who [...]
Do you live in the Washington D.C. metro area? If so, you are probably going to die soon because there is a COUGAR on the prowl. According to Wonkette “Terp” operative “Chris,” security officials at University of Maryland at College Park are warning students that the dreadful monster, this cougar, has been seen hunting students [...]
