minnesota
Whoa hey, look at those numbers in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado for Mittens. Two out of three isn’t so bad. And the sheer numbers of votes — tens and hundreds of thousands! What a world. The only problem is that those are his numbers from the 2008 primary cycle, when he still ended up losing [...]
Uhh, wasn’t this supposed to be wrapped up by now? No. Not when all your candidates are so terrible. Rick Santorum is back in the race, in other words. He won Missouri! That’s … let’s see, 55% for Santorum, which is DOUBLE Mitt Romney’s second place finish. Meanwhile, in the “near the Mormons” state of [...]
Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which [...]
Were you, like us, very ultra super secretly sighing to yourself — under your breath when you were absolutely sure no one could hear you — hasn’t this campaign season gotten sorta boring since Michele Bachmann dropped out? WELL SIGH NO MORE: her surrealist sideshow is coming BACK following Michele’s announcement today that she will [...]
Oh, here’s a tragedy: Minnesota’s (now former) Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch had been working so hard on a constitutional amendment barring same-sex marriage in her state, but ALAS, the amendment couldn’t be approved in time to keep her own straight marriage safe from harm — she resigned her Senate leadership post last week after [...]
It doesn’t really seem terribly equitable for Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents to only be feverishly deporting thousands and thousands of undocumented dark-skinned residents all the time now, does it? And America is about nothing if not fairness! So to keep things “even,” ICE has been steadily trying to kick out thousands of U.S. citizens [...]
America’s second-most favorite whackadoodle ex-governor Jesse Ventura (whose crazy gave Minnesota such a hangover it then elected Tim Pawlenty) managed to gather enough bored reporters together to formally announce that he tragically lost his important lawsuit trying to get the government to quit letting TSA agents touch his nuts all the time. In revenge, he [...]
The dimming dollar-store bulb of Michele Bachmann’s “energy-efficient fluorescent bulbs are socialist” presidential campaign is down to a stack of leftover informational pamphlets, a couple of desperate spam emails begging for “emergency” money and, uh, some guy who thanked Michele Bachmann for running so that he doesn’t have to vote for “next best thing” dead [...]
Ron Paul has unsurprisingly lost another round of that game he keeps on playing, called “Ron Paul vs. The World.” This loss was suffered specifically by a one Colin Wilkinson, a Ron Paul supporter and time travel survivor, who was just “rattling his snare drum” like he did when the British were coming, when the [...]
Buried in the treasure trove of “Michele Bachmann eats homosexuals” brouhaha is the bizarre human-size skid mark Bradlee Dean, a self-styled “punk rock pastor” who wants everyone to know that the liberal media is only ridiculing him in order to derail Bachmann’s presidential campaign. He is by his own account kind of like “Jesus Christ [...]
It seems the threat of becoming boozeless in Minnesota was enough to finally motivate Governor Mark Dayton to try to end the shutdown out of fear he’d need to impose order on a state full of stone sober Lutherans, who if any of you history majors out there can remember are just descendants of the [...]
It is WORLD WAR TEN in Minnesota. Following the government shutdown last Friday, there have been no public workers to protect the state parks from roving Visigoth hordes or whatever Marcus Bachmann keeps talking about, so the barbarian gangs went full ape shit on Minnesota’s natural spaces all weekend long. A “burglary and vandalism spree” [...]
You’re welcome, Minnesota: picknickers have been evacuated from state parks because the government has finally shut down, and no one will get to enjoy those precious twelve or so days a year that Minnesotans are not under fifteen feet of snow. It already feels like winter again! We will keep calling it the “Loon State,” [...]
Democrats and Republicans in the once-mild-mannered state of Minnesota are on the brink of a state shutdown effective tonight if they cannot reach a compromise over Minnesota’s $5 billion budget deficit. Democrat Governor Mark Dayton wants to raise taxes on the richest 2% of Minnesotans, while Republicans predictably tantrumed and refuse to use anything but [...]
