mitt romney
Your Wonkette was walking through the hallway at CPAC on Friday only to find this pagan shouting dance underway to celebrate Mitt Romney, conservatives’ cherished leader.
Here, via Operative/”Wonkette Guy” Garrett Quinn, is a photo of Mitt Romney after taking off all of his clothes and human skin. “TICKETS, TICKETS” he was demanding like a lunatic. No one knew what he was talking about. Mitt, get your clothes back on! “FISH HEADS, FISH HEADS, FEED MY SKULL FISH HEADS,” he then [...]
Mitt Romney has so many children, he must like sexytime at least a little bit, right? No. Mitt Romney is so prim and sexless, his wife actually had to “be the man” when they made the pregnancies. (Weird religious stuff, never mind.) But Mitt Romney does love money! It is the only thing he has [...]
Finally, some action! The Occupy people have reached CPAC and are protesting around this cute kitty furry structure near the driveway. So far no murders, but maybe if the kitty keeps squeezing that worker? Squeeze the worker, Garfield, squeeze him for every last Amero! Oh and that fellow with the long hair at the bottom [...]
Here’s the beloved Conservative Comedian, Brad Stine, giving his lighthearted send-off to CPAC 2012 DAY 1 yesterday. Your Wonkette would’ve gone to watch him personally but was busy doing anything else. What’s his joke? Americans are such wusses now with their basic car safety measures. Ha! Ehh. If you listen really closely you can hear [...]
As the undisputed loser of three crucial Republican head-on collisions this week, Mitt Romney can’t be blamed for turning his campaign into something of a fire sale. This is America, kiddos. ABC, Always Be CLOSING. Mitt is a businessman, allegedly, so he knows that if no one (literally!) is buying what you’re selling, well, it’s [...]
Whoa hey, look at those numbers in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado for Mittens. Two out of three isn’t so bad. And the sheer numbers of votes — tens and hundreds of thousands! What a world. The only problem is that those are his numbers from the 2008 primary cycle, when he still ended up losing [...]
Uhh, wasn’t this supposed to be wrapped up by now? No. Not when all your candidates are so terrible. Rick Santorum is back in the race, in other words. He won Missouri! That’s … let’s see, 55% for Santorum, which is DOUBLE Mitt Romney’s second place finish. Meanwhile, in the “near the Mormons” state of [...]
One unfortunate Mitt Romney supporter in Florida seems to have discovered a novel way of getting kicked out of a campaign event: Alan Reynolds showed up to a Mittens rally with a sign bearing the (mysterious?) collection of words, “Tea Party Includes Cuban Coffee Romney.” NOT COOL, said Romney campaign staff. Because Mitt Romney does [...]
Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which [...]
The famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force One,” The New Republic, wants to make you vomit blood for the next week. This is the only explanation for its most recent cover, in which a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama in the upcoming [...]
Here’s some more awkward humor from the robot comedy that is Mitt Romney’s 2012 ascent to the GOP nomination: Mittens actually did worse on Saturday in the Nevada GOP caucus than he did back in 2008. This time around, “Inevitable Willard” got 50.1%, or a little less than his winning total back in the 2008 [...]
There was another caucus, apparently! The reason nobody noticed is because it was in Nevada, which is actually home to lots of Republican-voting Mormons. (Take out the corporate prostitution resort of Las Vegas in the southern corner of the state, and Nevada is just a sparsely populated length of mountains and desert right next to [...]
Mittens-hating muffin is noooot too psyched about what happened in Florida on Tuesday. HE LOST. GOODBYE. Oh, you’re still here. Instead of accepting that no one south of the very Southern north of Florida likes him at all, Gingrich has suddenly decided that the winner-takes-all ruling on the Florida primary is about as fair as [...]
O blessed day! Breathing desert mirage Sharron Angle has emerged from her candle-lit study, after a meticulous examination of the remaining combatants for head GOP clown, to anoint the weirdest available clown of them all, Rick Santorum! She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox [...]
