newt gingrich
Please wish our little jewelry-debt piglet a fond and prolonged farewell, Wonketteers. Used to be that a satchel of Austrian Philharmonikers, the kind sold on Fox to unwitting olds, would appear by magick on Newt’s doorstep every morning, like clockwork. Newt would then exchange these coins for goods and services — often campaign-related! — in [...]
Here’s the beloved Conservative Comedian, Brad Stine, giving his lighthearted send-off to CPAC 2012 DAY 1 yesterday. Your Wonkette would’ve gone to watch him personally but was busy doing anything else. What’s his joke? Americans are such wusses now with their basic car safety measures. Ha! Ehh. If you listen really closely you can hear [...]
Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which [...]
The number one reason nobody likes pedantic swamp bubble Newt Gingrich is because of all the horrible things they are reading about him on his Wikipedia page, obviously. Why else would Newt campaign spokesman Joe DeSantis spend so much time glued to his computer belaboring minor edits to Newt and Callista’s Wikipedia entries that even [...]
A quarter-century ago — when Newt Gingrich was still somewhere between dumping wife No. 1 and wife No. 2 before having a six-year-long adulterous affair with yet another woman from the office, who eventually became the third Mrs. Gingrich — a not-completely-white-haired Newt railed against Ronald Reagan for eight whole minutes from the House floor. [...]
There was another caucus, apparently! The reason nobody noticed is because it was in Nevada, which is actually home to lots of Republican-voting Mormons. (Take out the corporate prostitution resort of Las Vegas in the southern corner of the state, and Nevada is just a sparsely populated length of mountains and desert right next to [...]
Mittens-hating muffin is noooot too psyched about what happened in Florida on Tuesday. HE LOST. GOODBYE. Oh, you’re still here. Instead of accepting that no one south of the very Southern north of Florida likes him at all, Gingrich has suddenly decided that the winner-takes-all ruling on the Florida primary is about as fair as [...]
O blessed day! Breathing desert mirage Sharron Angle has emerged from her candle-lit study, after a meticulous examination of the remaining combatants for head GOP clown, to anoint the weirdest available clown of them all, Rick Santorum! She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox [...]
Rick Tyler, Newt Gingrich’s former communications director and now the head of his super PAC Bloviating About Our Future, had/created a terrible time on MSNBC following Tuesday’s primary in Florida. Rachel Maddow had Tyler on during her primary coverage to talk about whether Gingrich’s superbly negative Florida not-victory speech was using “racially coded language” to [...]
Well, Florida happened and HURRAH! We may never again have to hear the phrase “Space Coast,” or watch another remote feed from living crematorium and unmanaged-anger community The Villages. Romney managed to not be too deeply loathed by 46 percent of Republican voters while Newt received a non-hatred rating of 32 percent, and vowed to [...]
“Florida is a microcosm of America,” we just heard one of the Romney and/or Gingrich spin-whores say on the MSNBC just now. Yes, because Florida is a limp dick dangling over a sex-slave resort in the Dominican Republic or whatever. Also, America is truly a symbol of America. Just look at the map, and look [...]
Probable Florida primary loser and mean-spirited twerp Newt Gingrich will FAIL to colonize the moon because he will never become president, but you know what he CAN colonize? That one little patch of grass, yeah that one right over there where a lone Ron Paul supporter is standing quietly holding up a sign. Newt Gingrich [...]
It is a very exciting time in Florida, for the elderly right-wing Cubans and elderly moderate-Republican condo dwellers and the middle-aged anger bears driving around in their nearly repo’d giant pickups hoping for a devastating hurricane so they can do some construction again. Florida! It’s a lot like the United States, but even scuzzier and [...]
Turbo edition ridiculousness machine Newt Gingrich is terminally unable to shut up about his “wait why is this even a fake issue?” theory that America’s disadvantaged students are incurably lazy — first it was elementary school students, and this weekend he delivered a diatribe excoriating the current generation of university students for expecting “free money” [...]
White guys! Rapping! About Newt Gingrich! In 1994! That is all we can say about this, because we can’t understand anything else about this old campaign ad from the Dukes of Hazzard guy whose congressional seat Newt stole. There should be a CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT requiring all political attack ad scripts to be rapped, from now [...]
