obesity
“Why hello, 2004, we had almost (thankfully) forgotten about you,” was our first reaction to the news that Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign has a new “celebrity” champion in Joseph Antonio “Fat Joe” Cartagena, who at one point made a lot of suburban middle school dance chaperones nervous with his funny lyrics about the act of [...]
“Remember all those kids doing jumping jacks at the White House in October?” wondered this story. We obviously did not, but here is a reminder: A few months ago, our FLOTUS decided to teach children the value of exercise by obtaining what is nothing short of the Holy Grail for 4th graders, a Guinness World [...]
America’s children are still by and large grotesquely overweight these days, we hear? AND STAY THAT WAY is the message from the corporate shills in Congress waging a heroic battle against a USDA proposal requiring school cafeterias to quit counting french fries and tomato sauce on frozen pizzas as “vegetables,” because the “federal government shouldn’t [...]
Our Michelle Obama just likes to surprise us every day, mostly with bad news about how we’re all killing ourselves, eating things that are probably not classified as “food” by any branch of science. But she also likes to surprise us by showing up places where a FLOTUS would not be expected to appear, like [...]
Another big score for “the best health care system in the world,” hooray: a new study by Gallup shows that 86% of full-time employed Americans are missing 450 million days at work due to being either obese or having chronic health problems or both, which doesn’t even count days workers feel ill and don’t take [...]
Who is the latest casualty in Michelle Obama’s war against calories and fun? Prepare yourselves, because this one is a huge blow to this country’s Proud Obese and their important culture and lifestyle: the Darden Restaurant Corporation is what will now murder your children with mixed greens. You might not have heard of this Darden, [...]
Our FLOTUS has decided to get back to “business,” which means she is once again shoving things like fitness and exercise down the throats of America’s children, in between all the nachos and gravy that are already down there. Last Friday, Michelle Obama went to something called the “SmashZone” during the elitist tennis party known [...]
Oh the obese, how quickly they seem to have multiplied across our fair land. The self-aware once had a hero in Michelle Obama, who gave important seminars like “Just Because It Is A Dollar Doesn’t Mean You Should Eat It” and “Put Down the Fried Dough, You Human Stick of Lard.” But no one will [...]
Thought you were “doing the right thing” by drinking diet soda instead of the usual corn-syrup sludge that makes up the primary source of calories for Americans? Well, sorry, you are still going to become obese and die of diabetes and cancer, soon. Diet soda — and god only knows what is actually in Diet [...]
Our Michelle spent last week drinking her way around the world, or more specifically, in Europe. She went there to hang out with that Kate lady and wear different outfits so that the Internet could vote about who was fancier. (The correct answer is that FLOTUS is always fancier. Always.) But even when our FLOTUS [...]
Finally, after a few boring weeks of now-forgotten aviation incidents and answering kids’ dumb questions over and over, our FLOTUS had a pretty great week! And she deserved it, because the stress from all that bin Laden business was starting to make the vegetables wilt. But the blood of Osama has revived the veggies, and [...]
Once upon a time there was this guy named Jesus, who told a bunch of people that he was the Son of God and did lots of magic tricks until Mel Gibson killed him in front of disgusted audiences everywhere, the end. This is the foundation for the world’s angriest religion, Christianity. This is also [...]
Good news, hamburglars! Industrial cow-parts processor “McDonaldland Corporation” will hire 50,000 of the nation’s 24,300,000 million officially unemployed, “involuntary part-time” and “discouraged” workers. Just show up at your local McDonald’s (or the other one, at the next offramp) on April 19 and you may be one of the lucky .002% of unwanted American laborers to [...]
