primaries
Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew [...]
Traffic stops will continue unabated in the not-so-great state of Tennessee, as Basil Marceaux incomprehensibly goes down in defeat in his race for the GOP gubernatorial nomination! The only consolation is that secessionist Zach Wamp and Lt. Gov. Ron “Islam is a cult” Ramsey lost as well. The winner was Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam, who [...]
THERE HAVE BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN RHETORIC. Yet there has been only one occasion of pure, unadulterated genius. That’s what happened last night: a debate staged between the Internet’s favorite Tennessee gubernatorial candidate, Basil Marceaux, and two other crazies.
The Detroit Tigers have miraculously beaten the White Sox and primary results continue to come in slowly from Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas, your Middle America triangle of excitement. We have yet to rule out Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox as the “Governor of Cox” and future source of plentiful dick jokes, but it doesn’t look [...]
Tonight Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas decide their futures. Choose one candidate, and everybody gets laid tonight by a hot person. Choose another, and we all drown in a giant America-sized vat of Liquid-Plumr. Which choice will they make? The Michigan state bird is the robin! The Missouri state bird is the bluebird! The Kansas state [...]
Connecticut GOP Senate candidate Peter Schiff is trying to raise enough funds to educate the good people of the Nutmeg State about his primary opponent, wrestling lady Linda McMahon, and her out-of-control, crotch-kicking ways. This information could save thousands of Republican men from making unwanted trips to the testicle doctor.
Three whole weeks ago, star of stage and screen Tim James submitted himself to the approval of the Alabama Republican electorate, along with two other, lesser candidates. Did it make sense to them? Nobody could tell! James and some dude named “Bentley” were almost tied for second and the right to go a run-off. But [...]
Are you sick of primaries yet? Yes? Too bad! There are several more of them today! Sex maniac Nikki Haley will probably win, after Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin turned her into a proxy for America, by fighting for her love. Also, a black conservative will probably beat Strom Thurmond’s son; a lesbian is running [...]
Wonkette alums Pareene and Newell have broken our hearts in so many ways over the years (mostly by leaving), but nothing they did was worse than getting our hopes up that Orly Taitz might actually be the GOP nominee for a statewide position in California. Obviously when actual humans without financial interests in political comedy [...]
Does the nomination of simple conservative Alabama businessman Tim James for Governor make sense to you (and by “you” we obviously mean “Alabama Republicans”)? Does it? DOES IT TO YOU? Scientists can’t tell, yet! Some loser named “Bradley Byrne” is in first place, while James and some other dork named “Robert Bentley” are very very [...]
RAND PAUL IS PRESIDENT OF KENTUCKY: The MSNBC has just called it and Doctor Senator Rand Paul, son of TOMMY JEFFERSON AND JESUS AND GUY FAWKES COMBINED, is projected to beat Trey Grayson, “some guy,” in the Kentucky Senate primary. Congratulations Doctor Rand Paul! FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!
Democratic polls close in Pennslyvania at 8 o’clock. The big question on MSNBC earlier today, from Andrea Mitchell, was can Arlen Specter even stay awake that late? A question of that nature, at least, to which Specter replied, “If you talk about Sestak being more vigorous, you must be smoking Dutch cleanser.” Can’t Specter just [...]
Your editor “Jim” here has not been able to think of anything funny or interesting to write all afternoon and apologizes for that. (Not really.) Various evil forces are destroying his stomach. So just read the POLITICO for important primary coverage tonight. Look at how excited and healthy they are about politics right now, whipping [...]
