Wonkette

Here is the story of how John McCain picked his running mate: after Barack Obama selected Joe Biden instead of Hillary Clinton, McCain went on a six-day Nyquil bender and at the end of it slurred, “Get me one of them wimmins.” He had always had his heart set on another salty warmonger like himself: Joe Lieberman. But conservatives hated Joe Lieberman for being an abortionist, and there just wasn’t enough room on one ticket for such a terrifying abundance of old man cheeks. MORE »

Civil War veteran John McCain served his country with “honor,” but he has no idea what “honor” even means! In a hilarious Q&A with TIME Magazine — hilarious because he’s just barking “Get off my lawn!” at the poor reporters — McCain is asked a simple, boring, “just quote your stump speech” question, and he goes absolutely crazy. MORE »

John McCain has squeezed every possible bit of fame and wealth from his heroic plane crash 40 years ago, so he’s super angry about how Barack Obama is also a political celebrity who has also written best-sellers and became famous for something that happened 40 years ago (His birth). This is why the McCain campaign has boldly made a shitty commercial with pictures of Britney Spears from back when Bob Dole was doing Viagra ads with the forgotten teen starlet. Being popular is scary! MORE »