pt metro section
Hooray, the demon water main that plagued Bethesda with rapids of inconvenience has been fixed. It is hilariously located on River Road, which is also now re-opened. [DC Examiner] More tragic news of journalism layoffs: The “U” has been fired from the sign atop the USA Today building. It will now blog for the Daily [...]
On Christmas, four DC cops were videotaped stealing from Toys for Tots. Dick Cheney will subpoena this video and masturbate to it until Valentine’s Day. [DC Examiner] Former Post executive editor Len Downie writes smutty fan-fiction about Ben Bradlee, our nation’s first lady. [Washingtonian] The Washington Post and the Baltimore Sun will now share stories, [...]
There will be no outdoor sleepovers the night before Inauguration, which is sexist against hobos. [DCist] D.C. will get a commemorative quarter, just like a real state! The coins will feature Duke Ellington, who, fun fact!, was born in North Carolina. Oh, the city still won’t have a senator or a (real) congressperson. [Washington Post] [...]
Say goodbye to the Washington Post‘s “Sunday Source” section. It will be replaced by David Gregory. [Fishbowl DC] Today is the day when local Christmas trees are finally legal, thus making them undesirable to members of Congress. [Washington Post] Here is a heart-breaking story of a $70k Audi which was stripped of its tires on [...]
Erstwhile athlete/web-logger Gilbert Arenas has been immortalized in wax, at a museum full of wax people. [DCist] If it snows on Inauguration Day, Barack Obama’s car will still get to the White House just fine, and you can still probably charge the person renting out your couch obscene amounts of money for the privilege of [...]
Apparent 1980s Orlando club owner Paul Strauss, who moonlights as a DC “Shadow Senator”—an entirely unreal position he’s sometimes leveraged in attempts to hook up with Hayden Panetierre—acted like he was a real Senator during a recent DUI arrest. [DCist] Rent out your apartment for thousands of dollars to Inauguration goers, the whole city is [...]
The most brilliant legal mind of our time is in court for the second time trying to prove that because a dry cleaners hung a sign that said “satisfaction guaranteed,” they were legally obligated to give him $54 million for a lost pair of pants. [Washington Post] The collapse of AIG is affecting your beloved [...]
GWU Medical School is just barely accredited, in fact, it is the only medical school on probation, which sounds serious! Naturally, this is where Dick Cheney was taken. [DCist] Your Orange Metro Line has a wide stance, but the inspector didn’t notice, and next thing you know, derailment. This inspector was given a “refresher course.” [...]
This little shark in Virginia was immaculately conceived! How long until Baby Shark Jesus replaces Sarah Palin on the GOP ticket, to Appeal To The Base? [WTOP] Some geniuses are trying to encourage you to drink responsibly, by making you buy six beers when you only want one. [DCist] Hillary Clinton’s new email pyramid scheme [...]
Christian Kids in Virgina are trying to convince libraries to balance their “pro-gay” collections with books about how Jesus writes passive-aggressive Twitters or whatever every time a gay person smiles. [Washington Post] Major Fenty fired one of his neighborhood services coordinators for refusing to buy him Chamomile tea. It helps him sleep at night, dammit! [...]
Say goodbye to all the zeitgeist-y cover stories in your City Paper. [The Georgetown Voice] Here is a nauseating list of all eggs and ice cream and coffee that famous Washington celebrities eat upon waking. [DCist] Why all DCs bagels are so terrible, and a $700 billion Bagel Bailout Plan. [City Paper] Ha ha, here [...]
Look, it’s the Metro police watching Family Guy from their patrol car teevees because, hey, obligatory Wire reference. [DCist] More Devastating Economic Tragedy, as the job security of hot Eastern Bloc lifeguards is threatened! [Washington Post] Some DC magazines use innuendo to complain about each other’s maritime parties. [Fishbowl DC] The Nats still haven’t paid [...]
This mom just gave her daughter some vodka, so why was she arrested for giving her child the best 13th birthday party ever? Was it because later that 13 year old went to the ER with alcohol poisoning? Or was it because the jealous police were just a bunch of losers when they were in [...]
