Without the turkey-slaughter stylings of Miss Wasilla, how could any of us really enjoy Thanksgiving? Here’s the dropout governor of Alaska before she ditched her job for Hollywood. Look how she doesn’t want to touch that filthy animal! Once you’ve gone Neiman Marcus, you can’t go back. So many more beloved holiday traditional videos await you, the thankful American. MORE »

Fear not, patient wingnuts! SARAH PALIN knows what it feels like to wait and wait and wait and wait for a celebrity JOHN HANCOCK. She knows what it’s like to practically die from hypothermia and disappointment. Yes, she has suffered just as you have: During the carefree ’90s — pre-9/11 Alaska, when Alaskans still felt safe — Sarah Palin stood in the freezing Anchorage cold for seven hours in hopes of procuring an autographed bottle of IVANA TRUMP PERFUME. And that was the fateful day Sarah realized not even Ivana’s magical flower-scented elixirs could mask the putrid odor of moose semen …. MORE »

In a few Thanksgivings, everyone will be eating First Gentleman Todd Palin’s killer “Baked Alaska” pot brownies for dessert. This is the plot of the movie 2012. MORE »

Doug Hoffman, the wingnut geek who forced the Republican out of New York’s 23rd congressional district special election but then lost that election to the Democrat and then proceeded to concede and later unconcede, finally admitted defeat (again) today, which caused the spontaneous pregnancy of Sarah Palin (again) and the immediate sale of 1 gazillion copies of Palin’s book, I’m Awesome. MORE »

• RedState hacked Harry Reid’s “vBay” account! But will Harry press charges? [RedState]
• Barack Obama admits he is in an intense relationship with India but declines to say who is the “man” because he doesn’t believe in gender roles. [TPM]
• Sarah Palin’s book is full of terrible fibs about simple, honest Americans. And they’ve had enough. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Lazy black man Barack Obama has already played more rounds of golf than every hard-working white president and Jack Nicklaus combined. Also: Barack hates the troops. [Gateway Pundit]
• A homeless ponzi scheme rocks New York. [Daily Intel]

How do you baffle a not-too-smart nation of people who aren’t really much into book-learnin’? Have competing publishers release similarly-titled books about popular idiot Sarah Palin! Not even counting the “I’m buying this only for ironic reasons” crowd in Brooklyn and Silver Lake, there is apparently total chaos in bookstores, as people who’ve only previously visited bible shops in the strip mall out by the edge of town are now pouring into the Borders and B&N or even trying their hand at “the Amazon,” with pitiable results. MORE »

Today Sarah Palin is visiting the Villages, which, according to the Internet’s famous Talking Points Memo, “is a heavily Republican community that is a must-stop for campaigning politicians in a key battleground state. The Villages is in central Florida about 60 miles northwest of Orlando.” So Presidential speculation, etc. etc.! Your Wonkette had never even heard of the Villages or the crucial Republican Villages People, which is why Editor Jim Newell suggested we watch this commercial. So, this is what Sarah Palin is doing today! Levi Johnston wins this round by default. [YouTube, TPM]

Before you dismiss this video as another “cute red-state gal is going to cum again remembering how the beautiful Sarah Palin touched her,” please just duct-tape yourself to the office chair and watch the WHOLE THING because, good god, PALIN MAN! [YouTube video-documentary by Wonkette commenter PabaBritanica.]

A perfectly logical explanation for this, after the jump! MORE »

What happens when enterprising Americans watch Fox News and use Twitter simultaneously? Constant hilarity, that is what, as you can see from this fun “info-graphic” on the Fox News, which explains how Sarah Palin’s supposedly strong 70% support from GOP idiots is still no match for Huckabee’s 63% support, or Romney’s 60%. What? [Twitter of "Keventhepang"]

UPDATE: Really, a guy with his business covered by a big old towel is “not safe for work” now? WE THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA, etc., but if a nation’s few remaining employed people can’t practice their love on a front-page semi-nekkid Levi Johnston, we will hide the snausage after the jump. NOW BACK TO THE POST: Sarah Palin’s favorite “porn thing” website, Playgirl.com, keeps leaking these pictures of Levi Johnston, teen sex model. Why did Sarah Palin let a known gay-pornography star take the towel off his ding-dong and stick said ding-dong into Sarah Palin’s daughter? This is the biggest political story of all time, forever. MORE »